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Twelve Petals - short script

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I found the voiceover to be unrealistic and very on the nose at times. Almost surreal. But that could be put down as my fault, and just the way I heard it in my head. I'm sure with the right actor, right voice, right music and atmosphere, it will sound good. Or maybe I read it actually as you intended it - very bravado...

After our introduction to Lehane, I was very surprised that he didn't resist or question Leon as he stood up and poured a drink - he instantly struck me as the sort of man to say something, but THEN quieten down after being told what's what. Instead, he just turns from this confident force, into someone scared to talk back. I must admit though, the flinch was a nice touch. I would have found the scenario, the transformation, more believable if there was a seed of possiblity shown to us, that he might have been nervous around Leon. Then again, the jock comment could be construed as just that, depending on how it was performed.

I find the story interesting. The story interested me before I even started reading. Domestic violence is something I've written about myself, so no worries there. I like that Leon feels so strongly about what he believes to be happening to the little girl, that he is willing to lose his job, just for the opportunity to step in.

I did like the last voice-over. It gave us the most insight into the protagonist compared to the whole script.

Something about the story seems unfinished, or under-developed. I think the problem is, we don't see any change after the meeting with Lehane. I want to see the remorse in his eyes, feel his fear of Leon, so that we get the feeling that Leon has swayed him, or at least scared him off. As you left it, there's no definite clue that Lehane will or wont change after the visit from Leon. This gives me the sense that there was no real productive event. No answer to the MajorDramaticQuestion: Can Leon change Lehane, to stop him abusing his daughter? Answer: We don't know. So we kind of feel short-changed there.

However, I admire your work on Leon. I feel like I know him well, and could predict his actions in other situations.

Good job overall. No technical problems. Your descriptions are nice and to the point. The story is interesting, and told in an interesting way, though it could be developed further, or added to. Characters have clearly defined roles and personalities. No spelling or punctuation problems. Nice start.
 
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Cliche: Thanks, Dear!

Danjama: Thanks for taking a look.

I agree with all your observations. It needs expanding, including more conflict between Lehane and Leon, and I need to clean up the V.O.

All in all, a rough first draft. Back to work...


Thanks again to both of you!

-Charles
 
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The wealthy “Bad Guy” with his scotch, cigar, study and stock condescension.
The respectable working class compact car driving coach/vet white knight.

These are too “off the rack” to me.

The sudden (kind of over doing it personal conflict- Sarah) added to violence curbing violence in the underdeveloped conflict time span seems to not only diminish the predicament of the victim, but almost makes her a back story prop motivator.

The V.O. at times seems a bit hard boiled and Noir’ish.

In a typical sense, it seems missing:

More of a guidance counselor role, or THE GIRL is on THE COACH’S team and wants to pursue “Something on her own” -via a college sports scholarship.

GYM- Endear the Coach with a little “Okay good practice girls…” the girls (Team) file out, Coach turns and there is The Girl (Victim) with a black eye and saying she won’t be playing in the big game and will be quitting the team to focus on getting her grades up to suddenly change direction and attend the school her Father wants her to.

PARKING LOT- The Coach oversees HER FATHER pick her up from school and being an abusive prick.

GIRL’S HOUSE- Coach pays an unexpected visit to the house and tries to explain that the girl is a great athlete but also has a mature drive to do something on her own (This is subtext priming really, something on her own = get away) , now the Father bites back with The whole “You were a great athlete, I remember -and now you’re a nobody.”

SCHOOL- The Girl (even worse for wear) begs the Coach not to try to help = She got her ass beat because of his visit.

SCHOOL- Next day the Coach checks in with someone at the school about the proper channels of investigating potential for abuse. He is met with “Don’t butt in” “You can’t just accuse anyone” “The school board will get sued and you’ll lose your job”

HOME- That night the Wife says something off hand that seems innocent, but catches the Coach’s attention and that we recognize from the Father. She says like “It’s nothing, just something one of my new customers said, weird rich type guy…” = A warning to the Coach = Now it’s personal.

DON’T KNOW- Something else (???) happens the next day and it’s go-time!

OFFICE- The Coach (busts in on where the Father holds court career wise -Board Room) and knocks him down to size. At the last minute the secretary burst in -the daughter in the emergency room (has taken a bunch of pills or something).

Through out the story, pepper it with subplot on Iraq and the gang presence on the Coach’s street, so when the father/daughter thing is resolved (a hospital scene maybe), the Coach arrives home to discover a drive by or stray bullet has taken his Wife or Child or both, so in the end he followed his dreams and played a violent game of football, he followed his path and survived several violent deployments in Iraq, he put his career and freedom from jail on the line and stood up for a girl that couldn't stand up for herself, then came home to find everything he was ultimately fighting for lost to a senseless act.


-Thanks-
 
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Hey, Buddy.

You're the best, bro!

Yeah, all that would make it much nicer. This really needs the room/space of a feature-vehicle to ride in.

I think I'll put this in my possible-features bin as a fragment and let it ferment.

Thanks again for the help!

best,

-Charles
 
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Keeping in mind I'm a dimwit, let me first ask if I got the story correct.

Leon goes to Lehane's because he believes the father is abusing the daughter. He threatens the father, and will probably be fired so his wife is either pissed or leaves him. The VO and crip thing at the end I just don't get.

You know I think you write beautifully, and if you were going to make this yourself, you've done all the work. I mean all the work. The actors, director, costumer, and set designer. The only thing missing is the shot detail. There's just way too much detail that doesn't need to be there. It makes it a beautiful read, but not necessarily an interesting blue print for a screenplay.

Overall it could work to a degree with completely different dialogue, and a little more action. The twelve petals should be more of a metaphor for his confrontation with Lehane. (If it is already, I'm sorry I don't see it) In which case, we should really see it before the confrontation and not after. The Petals dialogue should definitely be 3rd level.

Just a few little things I noticed, but what the hell do I know.

The VO in the beginning has Leon saying "He's pleading Carol's case because she wants to join the Air Force." In reality that's not what he's there for at all. Why would the Narrator lie to the audience about why he's there? It's weird to say the least.

There doesn't seem to be any break in the action from Leon and Lehane's meeting, so how did Lehane know what Leon was doing there? Is the VO really OS?

Just my one cent worth.
 
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Hi, George

Thanks for reading and commenting!

You make good points and I agree with most.

As for the beginning narration, he's not really lying. Leon really is there to plead for Lehane's daughter and defend her wish to fly airplanes. The confrontation is something that happens after Lehane's little tirade and put-down of Leon. He had intended to remain silent about his suspicions regarding abuse, but that went by wayside.

I was trying to juxtapose the violence inherent in Lehane's abuse of his daughter and Leon's violent reaction to it. One is based on privilege and personal lack of empathy, and one is based on an enculturation of violence thanks to war-time exposure to it on a daily basis. Neither man learns from the encounter and grows, and both are likely to self-destruct in the long run.

As I mentioned at the beginning, this was based on an old short story of mine. One editor rejected it with a note saying, yeah, it was well-written, but Leon doesn't learn and grow by the end of the story. I almost wrote back, but that's the point.

Thanks!

-Charles
 
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It seems to me the Crip walking by at the end is like an insight into Leons past, where he's come from. If you ask me, Leon DOES change, because he sticks his finger up at the Crip, ultimately turning his back on his past. It's quite symbolic, if people would look past the described action.
 
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See I didn't get the whole thing.

But, I did rewrite it in my mind this morning (why? don't ask me) I think it's a little more dark, but with a definitive beginning, middle and end. There could be no dialogue, just VO.

Open on a blank screen with a BUZZING sound, like a soldier having their head shaved for when they join the military.

Leon describes his first Iraqi kill and we see the pattern of petals tattoo. He talks about there being twelve.

We see Leon's expression to Carol's bruised eye. She's of course miserable.

Leon going to Lehane's. The confrontation. The threat to Lehane "If you ever do this again"...

Then we hear the buzz again.

We see Carol sitting across from the recruiter signing her enlistment papers.

Cut to the buzzing sound, it's not a shaver, but a tattoo gun. Leon in East LA getting a thirteenth petal tattoo.

Happy Ending.
 
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