• Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

critique Try this on for size; ON 'E" spec.

Greetings All. In the lounge, in my creative mind, I've laid out a synopsis from within my overrunning imagination, not, running wild. I'd appreciate a whole discuss on ON 'E'; screenplay.

Pretty and petite KLAUDIA ST. PHILIPS, 31, the second female potential Partner at the prestigious Carter & Gines Literary Firm, established in 2010, meets and falls head over heels in lust with 6’3, 217 pounds, super sexy ass GENISON ST. MARCUS’, a 34 year old Master Chef entrepreneur at an event where his culinary masterpieces are on deck, which turned out to be a gathering for her brother William’s wealthy friends, and their families.

After many days and nights of sharing space, Klaudia comes to understand that Genison has some arrogant ass issues, and that it’s going to take all the ‘lly’s; to override what she's raised to believe, just to trust and love him unconditionally.

Her voicing his Karma to come, due to the facts of him being a whole mama’s boy, arrogant with violent tendencies, does nothing to slow how he emotionally uses without remorse. As she financially and spiritually do her best to all-around comfort him, he psychologically forces her to have to defend being an independent woman, his woman; coward.

She is officially fed up with his unwarranted ‘only-a-boyfriend’ tactics, and while preparing and serving him his last supper, she boldly confronts him about her obvious heartache, one last time.

While she’s pouring her heart out, he abruptly leaves the kitchen, then the house, to go enjoy the comfort of an earlier phone call.

After repeated self-admonishing, she spontaneously takes a much needed mini-vacation from Phoenix to Reno, to cleanse her spirit and ease her soul.

Her car runs smooth out of gas, a near mile from the gas station; this muthafuccer here! With the wind increasing in urgency, so is her determination to teach his ass a solid lesson…

Klaudia prides herself on being organized to the point of OCD, so when she can’t find her gas can, that should be right there, in her organized truck, she shakes her head knowing that the nails he’s throwing will be used to nail his coffin the fucc shut.

Now this last disagreement about him upgrading his piece-of-shit vehicle, was no avail; he refuses, excuse after excuse, spieling reasons to always need to be driving my car, which I keep detailed inside and out; plus it’s efficient.

The fire in her heart, is now burning in her soul and having tried and cried over and over, she comes up with a master plan. First, she’d pray and ask God for the necessary forgiveness, then she’d lay into Genison’s ass with fiery adjectives while packing his shit. Then she'd...

The heavens had other plans. Genison is God’s child too, and sometimes when you think it’s all about you, it’s all about them. Jesus is working of Genison, and unbeknownst to Klaudia, she was simply a necessary judas chosen to be a witness to his redemption; pertaining to his ‘closet’ prayers; just to be a more tolerable human being. He knows what egotistical is, arrogant, an asshole, a burden, a heavy weight; but with age comes wisdom, for his sake.

BOOM! Was the last incredible sound she heard, before the smell of metal crammed into her nose. I can’t get a pulse are the last words she understands, prior to the brilliant lightening invading her space. Prayer is the last useful talk she has before eternity became her resting place.
 
Pretty and petite KLAUDIA ST. PHILIPS, 31, the second female potential Partner at the prestigious Carter & Gines Literary Firm, established in 2010, meets and falls head over heels in lust with 6’3, 217 pounds, super sexy ass GENISON ST. MARCUS’, a 34 year old Master Chef entrepreneur at an event where his culinary masterpieces are on deck, which turned out to be a gathering for her brother William’s wealthy friends, and their families.

After many days and nights of sharing space, Klaudia comes to understand that Genison has some arrogant ass issues, and that it’s going to take all the ‘lly’s; to override what she's raised to believe, just to trust and love him unconditionally.

Her voicing his Karma to come, due to the facts of him being a whole mama’s boy, arrogant with violent tendencies, does nothing to slow how he emotionally uses without remorse. As she financially and spiritually do her best to all-around comfort him, he psychologically forces her to have to defend being an independent woman, his woman; coward.

She is officially fed up with his unwarranted ‘only-a-boyfriend’ tactics, and while preparing and serving him his last supper, she boldly confronts him about her obvious heartache, one last time.

While she’s pouring her heart out, he abruptly leaves the kitchen, then the house, to go enjoy the comfort of an earlier phone call.

After repeated self-admonishing, she spontaneously takes a much needed mini-vacation from Phoenix to Reno, to cleanse her spirit and ease her soul.

Her car runs smooth out of gas, a near mile from the gas station; this muthafuccer here! With the wind increasing in urgency, so is her determination to teach his ass a solid lesson…

Klaudia prides herself on being organized to the point of OCD, so when she can’t find her gas can, that should be right there, in her organized truck, she shakes her head knowing that the nails he’s throwing will be used to nail his coffin the fucc shut.

Now this last disagreement about him upgrading his piece-of-shit vehicle, was no avail; he refuses, excuse after excuse, spieling reasons to always need to be driving my car, which I keep detailed inside and out; plus it’s efficient.

The fire in her heart, is now burning in her soul and having tried and cried over and over, she comes up with a master plan. First, she’d pray and ask God for the necessary forgiveness, then she’d lay into Genison’s ass with fiery adjectives while packing his shit. Then she'd...

The heavens had other plans. Genison is God’s child too, and sometimes when you think it’s all about you, it’s all about them. Jesus is working of Genison, and unbeknownst to Klaudia, she was simply a necessary judas chosen to be a witness to his redemption; pertaining to his ‘closet’ prayers; just to be a more tolerable human being. He knows what egotistical is, arrogant, an asshole, a burden, a heavy weight; but with age comes wisdom, for his sake.

BOOM! Was the last incredible sound she heard, before the smell of metal crammed into her nose. I can’t get a pulse are the last words she understands, prior to the brilliant lightening invading her space. Prayer is the last useful talk she has before eternity became her resting place.

Kim Wilson
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Greetings All. In the lounge, in my creative mind, I've laid out a synopsis from within my overrunning imagination, not, running wild. I'd appreciate a whole discuss on ON 'E'; screenplay.

Pretty and petite KLAUDIA ST. PHILIPS, 31, the second female potential Partner at the prestigious Carter & Gines Literary Firm, established in 2010, meets and falls head over heels in lust with 6’3, 217 pounds, super sexy ass GENISON ST. MARCUS’, a 34 year old Master Chef entrepreneur at an event where his culinary masterpieces are on deck, which turned out to be a gathering for her brother William’s wealthy friends, and their families.

After many days and nights of sharing space, Klaudia comes to understand that Genison has some arrogant ass issues, and that it’s going to take all the ‘lly’s; to override what she's raised to believe, just to trust and love him unconditionally.

Her voicing his Karma to come, due to the facts of him being a whole mama’s boy, arrogant with violent tendencies, does nothing to slow how he emotionally uses without remorse. As she financially and spiritually do her best to all-around comfort him, he psychologically forces her to have to defend being an independent woman, his woman; coward.

She is officially fed up with his unwarranted ‘only-a-boyfriend’ tactics, and while preparing and serving him his last supper, she boldly confronts him about her obvious heartache, one last time.

While she’s pouring her heart out, he abruptly leaves the kitchen, then the house, to go enjoy the comfort of an earlier phone call.

After repeated self-admonishing, she spontaneously takes a much needed mini-vacation from Phoenix to Reno, to cleanse her spirit and ease her soul.

Her car runs smooth out of gas, a near mile from the gas station; this muthafuccer here! With the wind increasing in urgency, so is her determination to teach his ass a solid lesson…

Klaudia prides herself on being organized to the point of OCD, so when she can’t find her gas can, that should be right there, in her organized truck, she shakes her head knowing that the nails he’s throwing will be used to nail his coffin the fucc shut.

Now this last disagreement about him upgrading his piece-of-shit vehicle, was no avail; he refuses, excuse after excuse, spieling reasons to always need to be driving my car, which I keep detailed inside and out; plus it’s efficient.

The fire in her heart, is now burning in her soul and having tried and cried over and over, she comes up with a master plan. First, she’d pray and ask God for the necessary forgiveness, then she’d lay into Genison’s ass with fiery adjectives while packing his shit. Then she'd...

The heavens had other plans. Genison is God’s child too, and sometimes when you think it’s all about you, it’s all about them. Jesus is working of Genison, and unbeknownst to Klaudia, she was simply a necessary judas chosen to be a witness to his redemption; pertaining to his ‘closet’ prayers; just to be a more tolerable human being. He knows what egotistical is, arrogant, an asshole, a burden, a heavy weight; but with age comes wisdom, for his sake.

BOOM! Was the last incredible sound she heard, before the smell of metal crammed into her nose. I can’t get a pulse are the last words she understands, prior to the brilliant lightening invading her space. Prayer is the last useful talk she has before eternity became her resting place.
I was following this along quite well until I read:

"After repeated self-admonishing, she spontaneously takes a much needed mini-vacation from Phoenix to Reno, to cleanse her spirit and ease her soul."

No offense but reading that made me LAUGH out loud. Reno just doesn't seem like the place one would go to cleanse one's spirit and ease their soul. Not saying it wouldn't work... I know plenty of people throughout the years that found solace from their relationship in both Las Vegas and Reno but not to cleanse their spirit.

To me? This sounds a lot like many relationship films I've seen over the years put against a completely different backdrop. Having said that... Could definitely work as a spec if you keep it really different story-wise.

Good luck!
 
Greetings All. In the lounge, in my creative mind, I've laid out a synopsis from within my overrunning imagination, not, running wild. I'd appreciate a whole discuss on ON 'E'; screenplay.

Pretty and petite KLAUDIA ST. PHILIPS, 31, the second female potential Partner at the prestigious Carter & Gines Literary Firm, established in 2010, meets and falls head over heels in lust with 6’3, 217 pounds, super sexy ass GENISON ST. MARCUS’, a 34 year old Master Chef entrepreneur at an event where his culinary masterpieces are on deck, which turned out to be a gathering for her brother William’s wealthy friends, and their families.

After many days and nights of sharing space, Klaudia comes to understand that Genison has some arrogant ass issues, and that it’s going to take all the ‘lly’s; to override what she's raised to believe, just to trust and love him unconditionally.

Her voicing his Karma to come, due to the facts of him being a whole mama’s boy, arrogant with violent tendencies, does nothing to slow how he emotionally uses without remorse. As she financially and spiritually do her best to all-around comfort him, he psychologically forces her to have to defend being an independent woman, his woman; coward.

She is officially fed up with his unwarranted ‘only-a-boyfriend’ tactics, and while preparing and serving him his last supper, she boldly confronts him about her obvious heartache, one last time.

While she’s pouring her heart out, he abruptly leaves the kitchen, then the house, to go enjoy the comfort of an earlier phone call.

After repeated self-admonishing, she spontaneously takes a much needed mini-vacation from Phoenix to Reno, to cleanse her spirit and ease her soul.

Her car runs smooth out of gas, a near mile from the gas station; this muthafuccer here! With the wind increasing in urgency, so is her determination to teach his ass a solid lesson…

Klaudia prides herself on being organized to the point of OCD, so when she can’t find her gas can, that should be right there, in her organized truck, she shakes her head knowing that the nails he’s throwing will be used to nail his coffin the fucc shut.

Now this last disagreement about him upgrading his piece-of-shit vehicle, was no avail; he refuses, excuse after excuse, spieling reasons to always need to be driving my car, which I keep detailed inside and out; plus it’s efficient.

The fire in her heart, is now burning in her soul and having tried and cried over and over, she comes up with a master plan. First, she’d pray and ask God for the necessary forgiveness, then she’d lay into Genison’s ass with fiery adjectives while packing his shit. Then she'd...

The heavens had other plans. Genison is God’s child too, and sometimes when you think it’s all about you, it’s all about them. Jesus is working of Genison, and unbeknownst to Klaudia, she was simply a necessary judas chosen to be a witness to his redemption; pertaining to his ‘closet’ prayers; just to be a more tolerable human being. He knows what egotistical is, arrogant, an asshole, a burden, a heavy weight; but with age comes wisdom, for his sake.

BOOM! Was the last incredible sound she heard, before the smell of metal crammed into her nose. I can’t get a pulse are the last words she understands, prior to the brilliant lightening invading her space. Prayer is the last useful talk she has before eternity became her resting place.
Greetings. Everyday I chop and screw my screenplays to generate as near perfection as possible, seeing I've only written and produced one. Tell me; I'm listening.
 
Greetings.
I was following this along quite well until I read:

"After repeated self-admonishing, she spontaneously takes a much needed mini-vacation from Phoenix to Reno, to cleanse her spirit and ease her soul."

No offense but reading that made me LAUGH out loud. Reno just doesn't seem like the place one would go to cleanse one's spirit and ease their soul. Not saying it wouldn't work... I know plenty of people throughout the years that found solace from their relationship in both Las Vegas and Reno but not to cleanse their spirit.

To me? This sounds a lot like many relationship films I've seen over the years put against a completely different backdrop. Having said that... Could definitely work as a spec if you keep it really different story-wise.

Good luck!
Greetings. And you can clear your mind and ease your spirit in Reno; I've done it. What's happening is she's alone, in a hotel, with personal party-favors. She's able to talk out loud what's going on and what's going to happen if this mofo don't be gone out of her house and life when she returns, better off than when she left. She just never gets the chance to do such so easing her mind never happens; anywhere. Keep'em coming.
 

directorik

IndieTalk's Resident Guru
This feels very personal. That kind of passion can make a great script.
Or doom it.

The redemption of the asshole boyfriend is confusing. Or is it her death
that redeems him?

You write such detail then the ending becomes a confused mess.

So what's next for you? A more traditional treatment? The screenplay?
 
You and I both said, "CLEANSE YOUR SPIRIT." LOL. Just seems like a weird place to CLEANSE one's spirit. All I'm sayin'. I worked there for years myself.
Greetings. There are numerous ways to 'cleanse' one's soul. A walk n the park. Chatting with strangers. Dancing the night away somewhere different. Basically, his ass wouldn't think of there either.
 
His ass? LOL. Don't take any of this personally... Mine is a legitimate criticism. Most people go to Vegas and Reno to DO the exact OPPOSITE of what you're saying in your OP.
 
Last edited:
Top