Everytime I write a screenplay, i'm afraid that it comes out a bit "too wordy".. Not enough of white space, too much action, whatever you might call it lol
Can anyone take a quick look, tell me what you think?
Here is an extract from the screenplay
EXT. FISHING DOCK -- DAY
FADE IN
Bright sunny day on a quiet fishing dock by a clear
undisturbed lake. Three fishermen sit beside their fishing
poles, lowered into the water.
ALLEN and BILL, both in late 40s, sit next to each other in
comfortable fold up chairs. They’re overly dressed in new
flashy fishing gear, but their shiny fish tubs are empty.
MICHAEL, same age, dressed in a t-shirt and jeans, stands on
the opposite end, but his simple bucket is overfloated with
the fresh catch.
Bill and Allen silently stare into the water.
Allen winces at Michale’s happy laugh mixed with the sounds
of splashing water. A trout is jerking on the end of his
fishing line... again.
Michael’s face glows with the wide smile, as he expertly
lowers the fish into the bucket. Throws a quick glance at
unfortunate friends.
MICHAEL
Do you guys need some help?
Allen brushes off the question with the smirk.
ALLEN
(to Bill)
Yea, help to fill my daughter’s
aquarium with the gold fish.
Michael shrugs his shoulder, and casts the fishing pole back
into the water.
BILL
(quietly)
Maybe we’re doing something wrong.
ALLEN
Trust me, we got this. I was in the
last year’s open sea water
competition.
BILL
You? In Competition?
Allen’s smiles, but his gaze fades somewhere over the lake,
in the nostalgic stare.
DISTANT SOUND OF THUNDER.
ALLEN
I was somewhere in the middle of
the Pacific, when the storm began..
CUT TO:
EXT. STORMY OCEAN -- NIGHT
A wall of hail and rain collides with the mountain sized
ocean waves. High pitched sound of the wind, mixed with
booming explosions of thunder, rumbles the air.
Ocean waves devour one another. Nothing seems to be able to
survive in here.. but wait! There is a small blinking light
in the middle of the aquatic mayhem.
Its a small FISHING BOAT.
Can anyone take a quick look, tell me what you think?
Here is an extract from the screenplay
EXT. FISHING DOCK -- DAY
FADE IN
Bright sunny day on a quiet fishing dock by a clear
undisturbed lake. Three fishermen sit beside their fishing
poles, lowered into the water.
ALLEN and BILL, both in late 40s, sit next to each other in
comfortable fold up chairs. They’re overly dressed in new
flashy fishing gear, but their shiny fish tubs are empty.
MICHAEL, same age, dressed in a t-shirt and jeans, stands on
the opposite end, but his simple bucket is overfloated with
the fresh catch.
Bill and Allen silently stare into the water.
Allen winces at Michale’s happy laugh mixed with the sounds
of splashing water. A trout is jerking on the end of his
fishing line... again.
Michael’s face glows with the wide smile, as he expertly
lowers the fish into the bucket. Throws a quick glance at
unfortunate friends.
MICHAEL
Do you guys need some help?
Allen brushes off the question with the smirk.
ALLEN
(to Bill)
Yea, help to fill my daughter’s
aquarium with the gold fish.
Michael shrugs his shoulder, and casts the fishing pole back
into the water.
BILL
(quietly)
Maybe we’re doing something wrong.
ALLEN
Trust me, we got this. I was in the
last year’s open sea water
competition.
BILL
You? In Competition?
Allen’s smiles, but his gaze fades somewhere over the lake,
in the nostalgic stare.
DISTANT SOUND OF THUNDER.
ALLEN
I was somewhere in the middle of
the Pacific, when the storm began..
CUT TO:
EXT. STORMY OCEAN -- NIGHT
A wall of hail and rain collides with the mountain sized
ocean waves. High pitched sound of the wind, mixed with
booming explosions of thunder, rumbles the air.
Ocean waves devour one another. Nothing seems to be able to
survive in here.. but wait! There is a small blinking light
in the middle of the aquatic mayhem.
Its a small FISHING BOAT.