critique “Tick” (Short/Drama/7 Pages)

[jwx]

Looking for feedback on a short screenplay I wrote.

Logline: A soon-to-be Father owes a drug dealer money and resorts to desperate measures to pay off his debt.
Thanks

 

[sfoster]

CLOSE-UP on KIERAN, about 23, wearing a mismatched and illfitting tracksuit, as he pings his cigarette away and pulls an old, tenner-shot phone from his pocket but before he looks at it he notices someone approaching and puts it back in.

This is a run on sentence.

Barry’s room is a typical teenage boy’s room. Posters of rappers, wrestlers, sluts and gangsters decorate the walls and the floor is covered in gym equipment and empty sweet packets. BARRY, about 29, wearing a polo shirt with the collar up and a pair of nylon tracksuit bottoms, is sitting on his single bed taking selfies with money when suddenly Kieran walks in carrying Ryan’s bag.

I think its a little strange everyone is "about" an age - just make them an age!!
Also I found this curious that you say he has the room of a typical teenage boy and that he is basically 30 years old lol

other than that it reads fine. Maybe say a gender for kieran - its not a name thats familiar to me here in USA.

I think that your entire story hinges on a pretty big coincidence about 70% of the way through the script.
Most people call the police when theyre robbed and assaulted. This guy happened to call Barry, and the mugger happens to go straight to Barry too.

it makes it feel so random and unlucky .. like.. you could have your main character get hit by a car crossing the street at the end and its not that much more random than what you have. theres no connection or explanation for why Ryan would be calling Barry like that

 

[sfoster]

Couple of possibilities that make the phone call more motivated by story

the homeless man has seen Barry shake down Kieran or Barry asked the homeless man about seeing Kieran around, etc. ihomeless see everything in the streets and he could tell Ryan that Barry has all kinds of people on edge trying call in his debts

Barry and Ryan could be lovers. You call your significant other after trauma like assault and robbery.

Or something else linking them to make the robbery less unlucky coincidence and more dumb desperation

 

[StoneJack]

Looking for feedback on a short screenplay I wrote.

Logline: A soon-to-be Father owes a drug dealer money and resorts to desperate measures to pay off his debt.
Thanks

There are quite a few movies, that put the protagonist under such pressure (debt, etc). So Kieran was beaten up by the victim of his own robbery and his creditor. Well, it was probably well deserved. Can't say anymore comments, because OK, he owes money, it is clear, he is stupid, it is clear too, so the main question is so what?