• Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

The Journey to My First Script

ASOLMANN

ASOLMANN

The Journey to My First Script - Characters

Good Day! So I've finally decided to work on my first script. I currently don't have a name for the script and I'm working on the Outline for the short. I'm actually pretty nervous about how it will turn out. I've spent the last 14 years of my life writing hip-hop lyrics and poetry. Every week I will update this thread with my progress. I'd appreciate all of your feedback! This first post will focus on the development of three characters, Jon, Francis and Samantha.


Characters

Jon "JB" Bowen

30 years old
Handsome
Works for FBI
Smart
Witty
Dedicated
Resourceful
Analytical
Blinded by beautiful woman
Anger Issues/ Violent
High Personal standards
Arrogant

Back Story

JB has been with the FBI for 2 years. He’s spent a year behind a desk pushing paper when he’s finally called on to investigate a string of murders. Choose for his superb analytical skills JB feels this will be a great opportunity for him to prove to his bosses, that he belongs in the field and not behind a desk. JB spent 9 years with NYPD before applying and being accepted into the FBI. JB has dedicated his life to law enforcement, opting to not take a wife or have any children. JB is very witty and uses sharp tongue humor to get under the skin of people.



Samantha Johnson

25 y/o
Slim build
Brunette
Captivating Smile
Secretive
resourceful
smart
deceptive
skillful
cautious
Quick learner
Very close to her parents
She is a Registered Nurse

Back Story

Wears a friendship bracelet she received when she was 10 years old from her best friend Cherish Wallace.
Mourning the lost of her best friend Cherish Wallace who was gang raped and murdered.
She blames herself for Cherish Wallace death.
In a relationship w/ Francis the man who murdered her friend.
seeking revenge for the death her friend
hides her link to Cherish from Francis
Leaves behind flower pedals after killings
Throws FBI off by utilizing traits of female and male serial killer


Goal
Samantha has vowed revenge for the abuse and death of her friend.

Problem
FBI agent Jon "JB" Bowen has been assigned to her case and is determined to catch her. Due to a scuffle with her mark Samantha is hurt and has a patch of hair pulled from her hair. Although not viewed as a suspect at first certain flags are raised concerning her past.


Francis Raye
Caucasian male
Mid 20s
Accountant
Humorous
Charming
Witty
Intellectual

Back Story
Diagnosed with Pernicious Anemic sophomore year of high school. Takes daily shots hates needles so he has Samantha do it for him.
Dating Samantha Johnson
Unaware of her connection to Cherish Wallace
Had his friend drug and rape Cherish Wallace while he video taped it. While attempting to have “his turn with her” Cherish began to laugh at him because he couldn’t get erect. Out of anger he strangled Cherish to death in front of his friends.
Forced his friends to help him dispose of the body and video tape.
Was one of 5 suspect in the disapperence of Cherish Wallace but was never never prosecuted.
Developed a mild drinking problem that causes him to become erratic and talkative.
 
Last edited:
Sort by date Sort by votes
Journey To My First Script - Update

So after developing my Characters I have begun writing. So far I'm 7 pages into the script and I'm feeling pretty good. I'm using Celtx Studio to help me with script formatting. I want to start the movie off with a montage. All feedback is welcome!


EXT. MONTAGE - VARIOUS
- A YOUNG MAN mid-20s, poorly dressed and unkept. walking;
looking paranoid.
- DRUG DEALER standing on corner goofing around.
- MAN walks to drug dealer hands dealer cash for drugs.
- DRUG DEALER nods at unidentified person.
- MAN running upstairs.
- MAN enters APARTMENT doesn’t lock the door.
- MAN tosses DRUGS on counter and walks into the BATHROOM.
- APARTMENT DOOR opens.
- UNIDENTIFIED PERSON is enters the apartment.
- Uniformed Police officers, Forensics and FBI personal
canvas the crime scene.
- NEIGHBORS try to peek through the door way to get a
glimpse.
- A YOUNG MAN Lays dead on the apartment floor with a
syringe embedded in his vein.
- An AGENT Looking at every item with precision pushing pass
his colleagues without any regard.
- He kneels down to inspects the body of the Male victim. He
notices something stuffed into the mans mouth.
- He snatches gloves from a EMS WORKER and leans in closer
to the victim.
- He gently slides his gloved hands into the mouth of the
victim. He removes a dandelion from his mouth. Alarmed by
his findings he stands up.

AGENT
(mutters)
Fuck.

He drops the dandelion and walks out the door.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
I wish you the best! Enjoy writing your first feature. My only comment is a software one. I've used most of the screenwriting programs at one point or another, including Celtx, of which I was an early adopter and used for years. I'm not sure what OS platform you're on, but if it's linux or Windows, look into Trelby if you're wanting something free. If you don't mind paying a little, FadeIn provides a much better experience for only $50, plus free updates. Celtx over the years has become pretty bloated, but most of us don't know what we're missing if that's what we start on. And they still can't give you a page count, unless you typeset. Not a big deal if you're always on internet, but if you live in the boonies like me, or you like to travel, Trelby or FadeIn might serve you better, depending on what's important to you :)
From a creative standpoint. I like what you got, I'm intrigued. :)
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
El Director thank you for the feedback!! I appreciate it a lot! I chose Celtx due to it being able to access the Celtx Scripts from my iphone/ipad when I'm not home. When I don't have internet access on my laptop I have the Celtx desktop software. I will definitely check out FadeIn. I'm using Yosemite OS but I can boot windows programs as well. So far I'm enjoying the process its very liberating.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Congratulations on getting to page 7. It is often helpful to have an outline to work from. Just a couple points.

This is not the way to use MONTAGE. Montage is a collection of images often around a theme. A SERIES OF SHOTS tends to be more focused in a sequential order. However, in your case, a simple set of sluglines would be more effective. Sluglines are preferred because they give additional information to the AD about the lighting/time of day. It's also easier to schedule.

I've re-formatted this script segment to make it easier to read and visualize the flow.
Code: 
EXT.  STREET CORNER - DAY

A DRUG DEALER [COLOR="Red"](30s)[/COLOR] stands on the corner, eyeing the area.
He toys with a coin.

A YOUNG MAN mid-20s, poorly dressed and [COLOR="Red"]unkept[/COLOR].  He
approaches glancing awkwardly about.  He hands dealer cash for drugs.

The dealer nods and hands the man a folded envelope.  The 
man glances up then dashes off.

The dealer looks across the street and nods.


INT.  MAN'S APARTMENT - DAY

The man runs up the stairs.

He fumbles the key finally opening the door.  He pushes the 
door closed.

He tosses the envelope on the counter and walks into the 
bathroom.

The apartment door opens and a stranger enters.


INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT

Neighbors try to peek through the door way to get a
glimpse and are motioned back as

uniformed police officers, forensics and FBI [COLOR="Red"]personal
canvas[/COLOR] the crime scene.

The man [COLOR="Red"]lays[/COLOR] dead on the apartment floor with a
syringe embedded in his vein.

AGENT BOWEN (30s) looks at every item with precision pushing 
pass his colleagues without any regard.

He kneels to inspect the body of the victim and notices 
something stuffed into the [COLOR="Red"]mans[/COLOR] mouth.

He snatches gloves from [COLOR="Red"]a[/COLOR] EMS worker.  He leans in, 
slides his gloved hands into the victim's mouth and removes
a dandelion. 

Alarmed by his findings he stands up and mutters to himself

                              AGENT
                Fuck.
Unless the character in the scene is speaking, it isn't necessary to capitalize them nowadays. Using 'mutters' as a parenthetical is strongly discouraged.

Everything in red is a grammar or spelling error. I'm not pointing this out to discourage you. I know this is a rough draft. I'm point it out because these are the things you want to attend to when you finish writing. Some readers are very particular. Especially with the verbs "lay" and "lie". Lay is putting something, Lie is the state. A body lies on the floor. A man lays a book on the table. This is a pet peeve of many readers. Unkempt = disorderly, personnel = employees, canvass = inquire while unkept = discarded, personal = one's own/private, canvas = fabric of a painting. Spellcheckers don't always catch these because the can be found in the dictionary. Just be aware to double check your work when you finish.

My points are meant to help you focus on thinking in solid script format, not a critique of your writing. Overall it is a very interesting start.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
thank you so much for the feedback. When using parenthetical should I avoid placing any acting or tone direction? I thought I could use parenthetical to help the actors convey the line properly?

I appreciate you you reformatting my opening scene. I definitely have a better understand of how montages work now. After reading your post I watched a few on youtube.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
ASOLMANN said:
thank you so much for the feedback. When using parenthetical should I avoid placing any acting or tone direction? I thought I could use parenthetical to help the actors convey the line properly?
Click to expand...
There are many different ways to properly say dialogue. Use your writing
to lead the actors in the proper way. And allow the actor and director the
freedom to explore and try the different ways to convey the line properly.
Use parenthetical if you believe your writing of the line is unclear. Use
parentheticals if it is essential to the story that the line be read in ONLY
one way.

In your example you have the action change. First he is gentle which may
lead the actor to mutter. However you say he is alarmed which may lead to
a stronger reaction. And to show how important good writing is; I'm a director
(and a writer) so when I read he gently removes the flower and is alarmed
I make the assumption he is surprised by what he finds so a "mutter" may
not be needed. If he were to gently remove the dandelion and not be alarmed
a director and actor may think he's seen this before and the mutter is that
"not again" reaction. You (as the writer) can say so much with just a few
words. So if you want the actor to "mutter" the word don't tell us he is
alarmed by finding the flower.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Hey ASOLMANN, I like what you`ve done here so far.

On page 2 I wondered why Samantha would wear "nurse scrubs" while seemingly taking a relaxed after-work walk with her boyfriend?
Further down "crisp fall air" indicates it`d be rather cool. So I personally would imagine her wearing a (casual) coat or somethin`over her work outfit (if not being completeley dressed in casual clothes after work). Francis might wear a light coat over his suit either.

Just my two cents. Looking forward to more.

greetings, Kologe
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top