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The First Dialoque I've Written

Medicine Crow

Medicine Crow

Hello All!
I was wondering if anyone would be interested in reading the first dialogue "Scene" I've written, and perhaps give me some constructive critisism?

I am aware that the format might not be correct, and the action may be low, but I was really trying to make this scene dialoque heavy, to see if I could write a dialoque that flows naturally.

Also, I can't figure out how to upload the document from my computer, so a little help would be most welcome :)

Thanks in advance :)
 
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MrSadler said:
I have a temperature that i need looked at as well...
Click to expand...

You ought to get to the doctor then...



Sorry...

What word has been autocorrected there? Treatment perhaps?


If either of you want a pair of eyes to look over your work, upload to Google Docs and post the link up here. There's plenty of people on this site will happily take a look!
 
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Oh, hi Mark!

Jokes aside, I don't have much to say other than that you go back and consider the tone of you piece. Gratuitous swearing and wildly misogynistic and homophobic content have to be artistically justifiable and, at the moment, the dialogue is clumsy, stilted and offensive.
 
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yes, i agree with you completly. I might go back and sweep the text of some of the swear words and change the generel tone of it a bit Although this scene was never really meant to be filmed, it will probably be a good exercise for me.

do you have any further advice?

Thanks for reading :)
 
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My opinion:
This scene may never be shot, but, i think a good exercise would be to have someone do a re-write and compare notes. Again, just a thought. I am not easily offended, not by any means, but, I think the language could use some spreading out. Overall I think with a little work, this scene has potential!
 
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@MedicineCow - I hope you don't mind me posting my work on here as well, but, I have a TREATMENT i have been working on that I cannot seem to follow through on. I don't really know if it's keeping with my original idea.

That's where you guys come in. I would love for anyone interested in giving what I'm about to post a quick read-over and tell me if you see potential, what you like and don't like, as well as any possible endings you think would do this justice. I'm open to ideas and opinions as well as constructive criticism. Without further ado... fire away!

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0BzgcJP6jTnKwWXdUcFl1Ql9FOU0/edit
 
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lol it kept me interested, but i have to agree it did sound like a tarrantino rip-off slightly. Not much, but it felt like i was reading a QT script. It wasn't bad by any means imo, (and I thought it was pretty clever at some spots) I think it just tended to linger and keep coming back to the curse thing a little too much. I know thats the name of the movie but I felt a little variety could have been implemented. Overall not bad at all, just needs a little tweaking here and there. :)
 
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Thank you for taking your time to read it, i appreciate it a lot :)

I agree with the QT tone of it, it's way to noticable (obviously not any where nearly as well executed) I think I'll go back and change it up a bit and see if i can't give it a more personal voice.

Again, thanks for reading and commenting :)
 
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People that use language that often usually seem very jittery and anxious. If so, have your Pro chain smoking and nervously tapping his a spoon or fork or his hand on the table to show signs.

The language that is spoken needs to stand alone with your character...meaning, if you were to close your eyes and listen to this scene, just by listening to the dialogue, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the two characters. I would have Larry use one or two swear words at the most, and if you keep all the swear words for Charlie, then definitely add some physical signs that show his anxiety or nervousness.

What is the backstory of Charlie? Why does he swear so much?

And one more small note...some of the dialogue was "on the nose". Characters don't always need a verbal response to what someone is saying.

Example:

CHARLIE
I'm telling you, I'm cursed!
(off Larry's skeptical look)
It's fucking true. Ever since I fucked her
I haven't gotten nothing.
 
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Medicine Crow said:
Thanks a lot :)

The scene has a lot of foul language in it. I don't wish to offend anybody, so you have been warned :)

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1K3YY-NwlBmmFUYRyN3K3p9M3Jn6_kXOUT4d7xo8TR3w/edit
Click to expand...

To stiff. People don't speak in complete sentences. and they don't all "sound" the same.

You, ah, well, you get my drift.

Fuck no... I think you're an idiot, dude.

Come on, man. Check that shit out.

Ok...you win.
(under his breath)
Asshole.

is a hellava lot more real than:

I'm sure you understand.

I do not agree.

Look again.

You are correct.

I'm not saying your dialogue is that stiff...

but i'm sure you get the point, brother.
 
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Boring, I stopped reading past 2nd page. It's just two dudes talking about a girl.

They drink coffee and speak casually.
Click to expand...

and after that you have 3 dialog boxes filled with "f*ck"s?

1.
Don't use curse words just for being "edgy". Its not edgy, but boring. Use it to illustrate a point, or to emphasis something.



2. This is are boring dry dialog. There is nothing to it. Just a bunch of words.
For example,
LARRY
Wait a minute, what you're saying is that
this curse is passed on like a STD?

CHARLIE
That's exactly what I'm saying.

LARRY
Right.

CHARLIE
It's fucking possible!

LARRY
Yeah. Well, how did she get rid of it then?
Click to expand...

Put some wit into it. Let Larry poke a fun at Larry. My lame attempt to rewrite some of your dialog:
"LARRY
Wohoa, hold on, so this curse its.. It's like a decease?

CHARLIE
A mad-fucking-cow decease!

LARRY
So if she'll sneeze on my dick - will I get it?

beat

CHARLIE
You know what. Forget it, man.

Charlie packs his stuff up.

LARRY
Ok ok, hold on--

CHARLIE
No, you're an asshole. I ain't got time for your dick-sneezing, alright?"
Click to expand...

I'm not entirely sure what relation do Larry and Charlie, but you see what I'm saying? Just writing "That is what i'm saying!", "Right", "OK" is just boring in this case. Spice it up!

Just my two cents.
 
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