[test] Discussions on the IndieTalk Screenplay
- Thread starter rizien
- Start date
Is there no one else who would like to add a scene?
Poke
Poke
I agree... devolve it... That's the best thing about these types of things, the emotion, pace, etc... changes
So you post your scene and we'll pick-up the pieces.
I mean, I'm sure that the MAN may have been expected to live through out the story but I killed him off. So, now there's only 2 characters that we know are alive, YM2 and EDDIE.
Will YM2 end up being the lead?
Is he the hero?
What will happen now, since he killed the MAN?
Don't post your answer here, write it in the script section:
http://indietalk.com/showthread.php?t=4688
So you post your scene and we'll pick-up the pieces.
I mean, I'm sure that the MAN may have been expected to live through out the story but I killed him off. So, now there's only 2 characters that we know are alive, YM2 and EDDIE.
Will YM2 end up being the lead?
Is he the hero?
What will happen now, since he killed the MAN?
Don't post your answer here, write it in the script section:
http://indietalk.com/showthread.php?t=4688
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I liked your addition Will ... one problem though ... I am now more confused than ever.
Would love to here suggestions.
Poke
Would love to here suggestions.
Poke
Well here's how I see it thus far.. the first scene is technically the beginning of act 3.. then it jumps back to act 1 with the guy in the field, and progresses on from there, YOUNG MAN has gotten a name, 'Billy' and YOUNG MAN 2 has gotten a name, 'Jack'.
The story I see forming is that they work together for this guy, and Billy is kind of the screw up. Jack is the "cleaner".. cold, very business oriented, and good at what he does. Billy does what he has to, but he often screws up the plan, making more work for Jack, he's also more humanitarian, and just in the business for the money.. doesn't like killing people, but he gets ahead of himself (like with the farmer) and just pops off rounds into someones chest before thinking about it. He's a loose canon in that sense, but he doesn't necessarily WANT to be.
I think what we need to know is who these guys work for, and what 'mission' are they on? Obviously this little farmhouse incident isn't bad enough for the guy to get rid of Billy, so what does he do later that totally seals his fate? I'd say, given that he's not very happy with his job, he's trying to get away from it, in doing so slips up and lets the attractive FBI chick (who should be introduced in the next scene examining the remains of either the building Coot wrote about, or the now exploded farmhouse) get too close to the truth about her case. Perhaps he gets tangled up with her somehow because he's trying to get away and thinks she might help him?
Need more?
Incidentally, if you didn't catch it, the cause of the farmhouse explosion was:
- Gas leak in basement...
- Hot water running
This gives us a big bang when the water heater has to kick on to heat more water..
Probably want some kind of insertion in there somewhere to show this spark just prior to the house exploding.
Also, the purpose of Jack removing the bullets is to make it look entirely like the cause of death was the gas leak.. assuming of course that the bodies are incinerated enough, and that the spilled blood doesn't carmelize on the floor and such..
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Aww crap, I didn't realize the guy Coot killed off was the MAN from the first scene.. that just doesn't work. Grrr. Unless, EDDIE becomes the new MAN.. Or maybe they're working for multiple people..
The story I see forming is that they work together for this guy, and Billy is kind of the screw up. Jack is the "cleaner".. cold, very business oriented, and good at what he does. Billy does what he has to, but he often screws up the plan, making more work for Jack, he's also more humanitarian, and just in the business for the money.. doesn't like killing people, but he gets ahead of himself (like with the farmer) and just pops off rounds into someones chest before thinking about it. He's a loose canon in that sense, but he doesn't necessarily WANT to be.
I think what we need to know is who these guys work for, and what 'mission' are they on? Obviously this little farmhouse incident isn't bad enough for the guy to get rid of Billy, so what does he do later that totally seals his fate? I'd say, given that he's not very happy with his job, he's trying to get away from it, in doing so slips up and lets the attractive FBI chick (who should be introduced in the next scene examining the remains of either the building Coot wrote about, or the now exploded farmhouse) get too close to the truth about her case. Perhaps he gets tangled up with her somehow because he's trying to get away and thinks she might help him?
Need more?
Incidentally, if you didn't catch it, the cause of the farmhouse explosion was:
- Gas leak in basement...
- Hot water running
This gives us a big bang when the water heater has to kick on to heat more water..
Probably want some kind of insertion in there somewhere to show this spark just prior to the house exploding.Also, the purpose of Jack removing the bullets is to make it look entirely like the cause of death was the gas leak.. assuming of course that the bodies are incinerated enough, and that the spilled blood doesn't carmelize on the floor and such..
=====
Aww crap, I didn't realize the guy Coot killed off was the MAN from the first scene.. that just doesn't work. Grrr. Unless, EDDIE becomes the new MAN.. Or maybe they're working for multiple people..
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Yes ... I got that your scene was a continuation of mine, but it was completely ignoring Coot's scene ... Now, we could do that (if it's okay with Coot) and go from here or we can figure out a way to go from here or just scrap this one completely and start a new one.
Poke
Poke
Well.. if we do start over, I'd say coming up with a basic story line is probably the best bet for a jumping off point.. that will give it a LITTLE direction..
Ok I have read through everything several times and I think the continuity is intact. The story is being told a bit out of order though.
If you were to place the actions in order this is what has happend
POKE- the ym1(AKA Billy) is witnessed making the pick up and shoots the farmer and his wife (oops)
RIZIEN-Billy is killed for his flub
-YM2(aka Jack) is assigned clean up duty
WILL- Jack cleans up
COOT DOG- Jack snuffs the Man
ok so far so good.
my question is what happened after WILLS entry that made our boy Jack go all postal on his boss.
I hope my entry doesn't just make more of a mess of things. Im pretty sure I've got it straight. Kinda curious to know if ultimatly it will be revealed why the story is being told out of order.
If you were to place the actions in order this is what has happend
POKE- the ym1(AKA Billy) is witnessed making the pick up and shoots the farmer and his wife (oops)
RIZIEN-Billy is killed for his flub
-YM2(aka Jack) is assigned clean up duty
WILL- Jack cleans up
COOT DOG- Jack snuffs the Man
ok so far so good.
my question is what happened after WILLS entry that made our boy Jack go all postal on his boss.
I hope my entry doesn't just make more of a mess of things. Im pretty sure I've got it straight. Kinda curious to know if ultimatly it will be revealed why the story is being told out of order.
Ya you have to have a general direction for it if it's going to work out with any consistency.. otherwise it will just have to be rewritten by one person so it makes sense.. ya know, after it's finished.
Although that will probably still be the case if it's done within a framework of 'ground rules'
Although that will probably still be the case if it's done within a framework of 'ground rules'