'Teraphase' Web Series - Script Feedback?

[MindStudios]

Hey everyone, I'm starting to flesh out a web series idea called 'Teraphase' and drafted the first episode. I'd really appreciate any kind of feedback.
Seriously PLEASE READ, it's SUPER SHORT.....just 8 pages.. a few minutes out of your day.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BwG3a1ofIz5VcEs5TURyR0ZnSms/edit?usp=sharing

A few notes, if you care, about the story and script:

It is a sci-fi story, but completely no-budget as this will be a college project, so I wrote it with that in mind.

Also, I didn't bother describing the characters because I honestly can't be picky... it will depend on the actors we can get from the theater department.

I know it's very short and not much happens, but as it stands, how interested would you be to continue and at least watch the 2nd episode? I don't want to stuff too much into an episode because I'd like them to be short, but the first episode needs to be interesting enough to draw people in.

Thanks!!

 

[maz]

Hey,
It's a bit insubstantial as it stands. One of my main problems with writing web series is that the very short episodes still have to pack in something approximating to a 3-act structure (challenge, struggle, resolution) in the same way that 'normal' episodic TV shows do, and that's the main thing that's missing here. There's nothing dramatic happening at any point... it amounts to: two men move from one room to another, pick something up, and then walk out again.

Don't have time to write much more at the moment, but I'll be interested to see where you go with this Good luck!

 

[MindStudios]

Thanks maz, that's kind of what I'm struggling with. Since this would be my first relatively 'big' project and it would be made with other students who are just starting out in filmmaking, I knew that this series would be pretty low-key. We don't have the experience or resources to put in big action scenes that will work and I still don't know how good the acting will be.

Anyway, my main question is how would you provide action/drama/interest in this kind of situation, especially for a first episode which is just introducing the characters?

A bit more background on the story to help you out:

It is set a little bit in the future, maybe 2054, but by that time wars and rebellions have broken out all across the world and there is no government (I had this idea when Libya revolted against its government and the idea spread to other countries like Syria and Burma, etc.) The idea is that there are only a few places on earth left that are safe and controlled by a very minimal guerilla type of government.

The story takes place in one of the biggest of these settlements, and the main character is a detective in that city. The city itself is walled in and the outer lands are constantly barraged by gang attacks.

I won't say anymore, in case I end up posting the next episodes up once I've written them.

But you get the idea, there's a lot going on in the world, but I can't really show it convincingly with the resources we have. So I knew that I was going to focus the story on the detective and make it more personal instead of global.

The machine is a big part of the whole series, so I really wanted to introduce that in the first episode. It feels like I can't add much more than that without making the episode longer than 10 minutes.

Also, what did you think of the dialogue?

Haha, long reply. Thanks again for taking the time!

 

[LegacyOfWax]

i liked the script, it was really good, and will only get better I would love to see the finished project!

Thanks for sharing this MindStudios

WAX

 

[MindStudios]

i liked the script, it was really good, and will only get better I would love to see the finished project!
WAX

What exactly did you like about it? It helps to see what I did right. Thanks for the comment!

 

[maz]

Thanks maz, that's kind of what I'm struggling with. Since this would be my first relatively 'big' project and it would be made with other students who are just starting out in filmmaking, I knew that this series would be pretty low-key. We don't have the experience or resources to put in big action scenes that will work and I still don't know how good the acting will be.

Anyway, my main question is how would you provide action/drama/interest in this kind of situation, especially for a first episode which is just introducing the characters?

A bit more background on the story to help you out:

It is set a little bit in the future, maybe 2054, but by that time wars and rebellions have broken out all across the world and there is no government (I had this idea when Libya revolted against its government and the idea spread to other countries like Syria and Burma, etc.) The idea is that there are only a few places on earth left that are safe and controlled by a very minimal guerilla type of government.

The story takes place in one of the biggest of these settlements, and the main character is a detective in that city. The city itself is walled in and the outer lands are constantly barraged by gang attacks.

I won't say anymore, in case I end up posting the next episodes up once I've written them.

But you get the idea, there's a lot going on in the world, but I can't really show it convincingly with the resources we have. So I knew that I was going to focus the story on the detective and make it more personal instead of global.

The machine is a big part of the whole series, so I really wanted to introduce that in the first episode. It feels like I can't add much more than that without making the episode longer than 10 minutes.

Also, what did you think of the dialogue?

Haha, long reply. Thanks again for taking the time!

Interesting. My first question is, if there is a minimal government in operation, why are there detectives? I'd say you would have to have a fairly advanced reconstituted government even to have rule of law, let alone a police force, let alone an investigative branch. But that's maybe just nitpicking

Your script is 6 pages at the moment, and your description is quite flowery, so even at a minute per page you still have time to play with if you're setting yourself a limit of 10 minutes.

If these people are detectives, then there should be a mystery beyond the device. I would end the episode at the point where they've just discovered the device and realise that they have a choice, to risk their lives in order to take it, or just to run. That's a kind of a cliffhanger to lead into the next episode...

Prior to that point, you need to have a mystery, and the nature of the mystery will depend on what is actually going on here. It can be a relatively simple mystery (some clues, some red herrings etc), whose main purpose is to flesh out the characters, but I don't think there's any point having detectives without having a mystery.

This is all very subjective, so feel free to ignore it all Good luck!

 

[MindStudios]

Interesting. My first question is, if there is a minimal government in operation, why are there detectives? I'd say you would have to have a fairly advanced reconstituted government even to have rule of law, let alone a police force, let alone an investigative branch. But that's maybe just nitpicking

Actually that's a great point. I haven't delved into the actual mechanics of the government and political system (this is based on a short story I wrote when I was much younger) and I don't think it's really necessary to explain the system in such a short web-series format, but it is good to think about and at least have a basic concept of what system is in place.

What I have in my head right now is that Marcus's father was a detective (or maybe just part of the police force in some way) in the town before all of the revolutions happened. Marcus sort of took over the job and when everything went to hell, he and Joseph knew they had to maintain order.

I'm still debating whether or not they formed some sort of town council/committee on their own. Or if the national military took over and kept control of the city, with Marcus and Joseph still in charge of local law enforcement.... Obviously the military route would suggest some sort of government still in place, which I'm trying to avoid.
Overall I just want everyone's life to be miserable =) You can't tell from the first episode and I think I want to keep it that way, but this is supposed to be a place with no hope of getting better. This may just be something that I don't really explain, but instead just show with snippets of dialogue or visuals. It's not really the centerfold of the story. (And honestly, I just don't know enough about politics to really make something believable)

Your script is 6 pages at the moment, and your description is quite flowery, so even at a minute per page you still have time to play with if you're setting yourself a limit of 10 minutes.

My limit isn't 10 minutes, I'm trying to aim for shorter. More like 7 minutes or less....but I think it will all depend on the situation when we are actually ready to film it (which may even be one year from now). Shorter will be more likely to get people to watch, but I won't sacrifice the story just to make it shorter...... But I can always just have more episodes.

Regarding the script writing itself though, do you have any comments? I forget if I asked before, but what did you think of the dialogue? That's something I'm trying to work on.

 

[maz]

Actually that's a great point. I haven't delved into the actual mechanics of the government and political system (this is based on a short story I wrote when I was much younger) and I don't think it's really necessary to explain the system in such a short web-series format, but it is good to think about and at least have a basic concept of what system is in place.

What I have in my head right now is that Marcus's father was a detective (or maybe just part of the police force in some way) in the town before all of the revolutions happened. Marcus sort of took over the job and when everything went to hell, he and Joseph knew they had to maintain order.

I'm still debating whether or not they formed some sort of town council/committee on their own. Or if the national military took over and kept control of the city, with Marcus and Joseph still in charge of local law enforcement.... Obviously the military route would suggest some sort of government still in place, which I'm trying to avoid.
Overall I just want everyone's life to be miserable =) You can't tell from the first episode and I think I want to keep it that way, but this is supposed to be a place with no hope of getting better. This may just be something that I don't really explain, but instead just show with snippets of dialogue or visuals. It's not really the centerfold of the story. (And honestly, I just don't know enough about politics to really make something believable)




My limit isn't 10 minutes, I'm trying to aim for shorter. More like 7 minutes or less....but I think it will all depend on the situation when we are actually ready to film it (which may even be one year from now). Shorter will be more likely to get people to watch, but I won't sacrifice the story just to make it shorter...... But I can always just have more episodes.

Regarding the script writing itself though, do you have any comments? I forget if I asked before, but what did you think of the dialogue? That's something I'm trying to work on.

The dialogue is OK, nothing spectacular but not too awful either. I get a vague idea of who the characters are, which is what you're aiming for at this point.

I would say that regardless of how long you want the regular episodes to be, the first one should be longer to allow all the necessary setup to take place. Longer doesn't necessary equal harder to shoot. It can just mean giving scenes time to breathe, or packing more hints to backstory in.

I agree that you don't need to explain the setting, but if you want the setting to be relevant to the story then it has to be there all the time, and that means that you (as a writer) need to know what's going on even if most of it you never show.

Is the story set in the USA (or what will have been the USA before civilization collapsed)? If so, perhaps you make the setting something like a return to a lawless frontier-type world, and the 'detectives' a modern version of a frontier sheriff and his deputy, who nobody is really happy with but everybody just about tolerates because the alternative is complete anarchy. Just an idea.

Are you looking for collaborators on this going forward or does it all have to be internal to the college?

 

[MindStudios]

The dialogue is OK, nothing spectacular but not too awful either. I get a vague idea of who the characters are, which is what you're aiming for at this point.

I would say that regardless of how long you want the regular episodes to be, the first one should be longer to allow all the necessary setup to take place. Longer doesn't necessary equal harder to shoot. It can just mean giving scenes time to breathe, or packing more hints to backstory in.

I agree that you don't need to explain the setting, but if you want the setting to be relevant to the story then it has to be there all the time, and that means that you (as a writer) need to know what's going on even if most of it you never show.

Is the story set in the USA (or what will have been the USA before civilization collapsed)? If so, perhaps you make the setting something like a return to a lawless frontier-type world, and the 'detectives' a modern version of a frontier sheriff and his deputy, who nobody is really happy with but everybody just about tolerates because the alternative is complete anarchy. Just an idea.

Are you looking for collaborators on this going forward or does it all have to be internal to the college?

That's true, I might just make the first episode longer... And yes I definitely need to figure out the setting for myself at least. When I first wrote the short story this is based on, I set it in Jackson, New Jersey (because that was the 'safest city in America' according to some polls, so I figured that would less likely be overrun by gangs and rebellion - not entirely sound logic, but it's just a neat little fun fact).

At this point it's just me developing this story and will be something I present to other film students. I'm studying at the University of Kansas, so it's not a film school, but they have a small film department. I was really excited to get into it and start collaborating with other students in different projects, but sadly the first semester is devoid of such projects... I kind of expected this, but all three of my film classes are about film analysis.... it's more about making you a better film viewer instead of a film maker.

And the class sizes are larger than I was hoping for, so I'm finding it hard to figure out who to approach with the idea. In other words, I'm taking the time now to develop a good foundation for this idea so that hopefully in the more advanced classes there will be people who also want to make something, and we can work on it together. I don't want to rush the story as I've done with almost all my other projects so I'm taking the time now to flesh out as much as I can before presenting it.

In terms of collaborators, I guess there are no rules. I mean, it's just a personal project not a class-assigned one. So if anyone wants to help out, at least in the preproduction phase that'd be great! I've never done this before, so who knows where it will go, but that'd be really awesome to get help from people who have already done a web series of their own.

 

[Filman]

I find the dialogue spectacular in some places. There is also one that is almost as bad as it gets:

-You jump higher every time.

 

[MindStudios]

I find the dialogue spectacular in some places. There is also one that is almost as bad as it gets:

-You jump higher every time.

Haha, noted. I might just take out that line entirely. Only reason it's there is to give a hint that Joseph was joking about the gang attack. But I guess people will understand that, regardless, as the conversation goes on.

Could you go into more detail on why you liked the bits of dialogue that you did?

 

[maz]

Haha, noted. I might just take out that line entirely. Only reason it's there is to give a hint that Joseph was joking about the gang attack. But I guess people will understand that, regardless, as the conversation goes on.

Could you go into more detail on why you liked the bits of dialogue that you did?

I don't really see the problem with that particular line? Seems an efficient way to get the dynamic between the two across.

 

[MindStudios]

I don't really see the problem with that particular line? Seems an efficient way to get the dynamic between the two across.

I guess what Filman was saying was that it's kind of overused (not really, but it's a little bit expected). I could do with or without the line, I think it will depend on how the actor says it. But yeah, it's not a big deal.

 

[maz]

I guess what Filman was saying was that it's kind of overused (not really, but it's a little bit expected). I could do with or without the line, I think it will depend on how the actor says it. But yeah, it's not a big deal.

Overused? It's only used once. The line I don't get is the one prior to that ("I will when you stop asking.") Asking what?

 

[MindStudios]

Overused? It's only used once. The line I don't get is the one prior to that ("I will when you stop asking.") Asking what?

Not overused in my script, but just in general with movies/stories (honestly it isn't overused that much, but I understood where he was coming from.)

He was asking for a light. It's kind of a running joke between them.

 

[maz]

Not overused in my script, but just in general with movies/stories (honestly it isn't overused that much, but I understood where he was coming from.)

He was asking for a light. It's kind of a running joke between them.

Fair enough, I've literally never heard that line before in anything I've seen.

I'm not sure you can have a running joke between two characters if nobody knows it's a running joke As a reader new to your script, that whole section of the script doesn't make a whole lot of sense:

J: You got a light?

M: I will when you stop asking.

J: You jump higher every time.

 

[MindStudios]

Fair enough, I've literally never heard that line before in anything I've seen.

I'm not sure you can have a running joke between two characters if nobody knows it's a running joke As a reader new to your script, that whole section of the script doesn't make a whole lot of sense:

J: You got a light?

M: I will when you stop asking.

J: You jump higher every time.

I guess I should add more between lines to specifiy that a pause has occurred. In my head, Joseph takes time to put the pack away and is smiling to himself, taking up some moments before he moves on to the next topic of 'You jump higher every time". I'll have to reread it, but yes, it might seem like the dialogue is connected when it isn't...

 

[maz]

I guess I should add more between lines to specifiy that a pause has occurred. In my head, Joseph takes time to put the pack away and is smiling to himself, taking up some moments before he moves on to the next topic of 'You jump higher every time". I'll have to reread it, but yes, it might seem like the dialogue is connected when it isn't...

No, you remembered correctly, I did omit a few action lines between the dialogue, but even so, the first two lines (question and response) don't seem to be connected. He will have a light when Joseph stops asking for a light? It seems like Marcus is responding to an entirely different question. Maybe I'm just missing something obvious, but it seems like a strange exchange of non-sequiturs...

 

[MindStudios]

No, you remembered correctly, I did omit a few action lines between the dialogue, but even so, the first two lines (question and response) don't seem to be connected. He will have a light when Joseph stops asking for a light? It seems like Marcus is responding to an entirely different question. Maybe I'm just missing something obvious, but it seems like a strange exchange of non-sequiturs...

True. I will probably just change this up to make it more relevant and clear.

 

[MindStudios]

Episode 2 Script

I didn't think I'd want to start a new thread for each episode so I'm adding the script for the second episode onto this one:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BwG3a1ofIz5VU2RzTFhfOWJMdW8/view?usp=sharing

Again, let me know what you think and mainly if these first two episodes are interesting enough that you'd want to continue watching the series.

Thanks! Also, if it'd be better for each episode to have it's own thread let me know.