Hey,
I just read your pages. The overall outcome is good. A mini story with a twist at the end. The biggest problem with it is that it reads more like an actual story book, so to speak, rather than a screenplay.
Your interior dialogue (thoughts and feelings) aren't necessarily needed in a script, this is more for the director to decide and get from from actors. Of course, you may include the serious aspects but mainly it is best to keep from doing it as people don't really seem to accept it.
Try to focus on scripting what shots you would use (close-ups, ect.) and force the reader to see what you see and what would be on a screen in front of them. For example:
"
FADE IN
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
A typical Saturday morning- bright sunshine and blue skies are visible from the wide, open windows, the sizzle of eggs and bacon fills the air. Steam clouds the face of MOTHER, busy at the stove as she cooks and hums a tune under her breath. Her DAUGHTER sits stiffly at the table, as if she is about to endure a beating."
For this opening sequence;
- The 'typical Saturday' isn't really required. If you need to make the audience aware this is typical, include that in the dialogue as they won't see the script when watching. If you need to make the audience know it is a Saturday, then show a calendar ect. (or put it in dialogue). You could even show a calendar with a to-do list to show a typical routine and the date.
- The outside is visible but yet we see the characters in the Kitchen. You should establish one shot and then another. Perhaps write that you pull out from the window of the outside and then the Mother comes into shot or simply say we cut to the Mother.
If I was to re-write this I would do:
FADE IN
INT. KITCHEN - MORNING
POV to outside, bright sunshine and blue skies, open windows.
We hear the sizzle of eggs and bacon fill the air.
CUT TO
CLOSE UP of MOTHER's face, Steam clouds her face. She hums a tune under her breath
WIDE SHOT: MOTHER is busy at the stove. We see her DAUGHTER sitting stiffly at the table.
The format is obviously wrong here, but this is how I personally would write. it is different for everyone but the aspects stay the same.
Try to make your script read more personally to the person reading it, get them involved in the scenes,don't just tell them a story.
You have a nice little weird story to tell. It's a good little piece of work but just needs working out.
If you have any questions or disagree with some of things I have said, please let me know.
I'm no scholar, I just know what I know.
Joe
