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Takes Off his Flannel Shirt and Kills a Baby. 6 Page short

cjnixon

cjnixon

This is a simple ODD little short I'm hoping to shoot in December. Wanted something that'd be moderatly easy for practice but at the same time different.

Would love any and all feedback on character, ending, other possible scenarios.
And who likes the title? Too odd? Suggestions there aswell.

Thanks in advance guys!

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=HRBEWTUR

http://www.ravishare.com/o0a6v44gwkfb/Takes_Off_His_Flannel_Shirt_And_Kills_A_Baby.pdf.html

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&...OWRkZC00MTFhLWE2ZDktZTMyZjFmNjU5ZTQw&hl=en_US

Tell me if the links arent working.
 
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The Google link doesn't work.

The title is disturbing and the short is disturbing. It's more of a segment than a short. The characters are undeveloped which contributes to a sense of indifference.

The scene locations Apt. Complex/Therapy for the Therapist confused me. Is the perp in the Apt? Does the therapist live in the same complex? Despite all the self-beating, I didn't believe the character. The therapist is useless dialogue, a throw away character as written. the ending is unclear. It would have better served you to place a box on the welcome mat to heighten the question at the end. How did he know what porch to leave it on? Or was it just random? Is it realistic that a baby would be unattended in a car? Those elements, taken together, give it less of the feel of a short and more of a segment of a longer, uncompleted piece.

I would suggest developing the perp and therapist characters more. I'd also be more clear about the locations. The dialogue he has in the bathtub didn't make much sense. What kind of toy? If you're going to do psychdrama you really need to be clear with your symbolism. It helps to give backstory without exposition. The flannel shirt has no meaning as you present it. Use your therapist to give more insightful glimpses. And if this is a standalone short, I would definitely bring it to a more definitive conclusion. It wasn't clear to me, as a reader, what you intended by the ending.
 
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Hi, CJ

Hmm... FWIW, I don't EVEN care about the disturbedness of the content.
I'm a big boy. It's a big world. Whatever.

Umm... what are your intentions with the final product?

This is kinda skippy jumpy, like a blue collar layman's understanding of both mental health issues and therapy.
The impulse if legit enough, how everyone is going about addressing it in a modern setting is not, however.
So, to bring any sense of reality to this (because frankly, it's bereft of any entertainment value) it would be very helpful to know where you wanted to show this?

Now, as far as practicing directing, shooting, audio gathering, and editing it's as good as any project.
Doesn't look like it demands anything freaky difficult.
Found objects and common settings. Gold.
I'm guessing you already have access to a parent that'll let you film this with their baby, right?

I look forward to your reply.

GL

Ray
 
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Thanks Ray.

Yeah it's mostly for practice and wanted something interesting. Seems Its still not a very good script. But I'm working on it.

Yeah my cousin has two babies. I get to pick which one.

Any suggestions on the title? Or anything storywise?

Thanks for the read Ray.
 
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Doesn't really matter.
It's as good as any considering the audience.

Shoe Box #8?
Deny the Burn?
Work in Progress?
Tenative Step?
Testing?


There's not really any "story" per se.
It's a vignette of a guy dealing with his lame-@ss therapist and issues.
So?

No story.
I'd watch this guy go through the opening sequence, the "threapy session", the abduction, the anxiety.

Okay.
What's my take away?
 
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It seems a little incomplete. Like something needs to happen after he pants and runs harder and harder and harder. Pretty good, I don't mind disturbing short films. In fact I think they are more interesting that those happy little fake fucking pieces of shit about fake little worlds filled with perfect people with no problems (unless its so perfect that its creepy). Lovin the plotishness,
 
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