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Starting a new (old idea i had) script

W

wheatgrinder

Hi all,
Iv not been doing much writing. Im glad I put this idea down for a bit.. Now that Im pikcing it up again, Im very excited again.

How is this for a starter:


THE CALL: INT. STUDIO APARTMENT MORNING

ILIA, a 30's something attractive woman sleeps deeply, face buried under a pillow. A waitress apron with name tag "LILLY" is hung on the bathroom door. The clock shows 5:59, then rolls over to 6:00AM

RINNNGGGG Ilia pulls the pillow hard down on her head

RINNNGGGG

RINNGGGGG

RINNGGGGG

The incessant ringing stops

Ilia sighs contentedly

RIINNGGGGG

Ilia throws the pillow across the room, slams her hand down on the old style phone receiver and snatches the hand set. Holding the handset in front of her mouth

ILIA

SAAMMMY, I told you at the end of my second shift that there is no way Im covering ....

PHONE (O.S.)

Hello? Is this Il, Il. Lil..,

Ilia sits up, brings the phone to her ear

ILIA

Yes, this is Ilia, who is this?

PHONE (O.S.)

Oh, yes? good hello. Ilia, at 9:00 AM this morning a man..

ILIA

What? Who is this.. what man?..

PHONE (O.S.)

Ilia, listen carefully. You left your name and number with my answering service, {pause} um.. looks like about six weeks ago, I have a quick job for you, are you still interested?

ILIA

job? What job?

PHONE (O.S.)

A deliver Job Ilia, now please this is important , I don't have a lot of time ...

ILIA

Ok, ok, one thing.. how much does this job pay?

PHONE(O.S)

One thousand dollars cash. {pause} Do I have your attention now Ilia? {beat} good.. at 9:00 AM this morning a man will arive and give you a small duffle bag. You will NOT open the bag. At 10:00 AM you will leave your aprtment ariving at your car no latter then 10:05 AM. You will then open the bag and remove the envelope from inside the bag. Inside this envelope is an address. You will drive to this address and deliever the bag to the recepionsit. You have until 11:30AM to complete the delivery. This is ample time, you should have no difficulty.

{silence}

Ilia? are you there?

ILIA

Oh yeah, thats it. Make the delivery by 11:30 AM. Got it. So when do I get..

The phone clicks off.

ILIA

paid???

Ilia stands up and walks to the bathroom.
 
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Interesting start. I'm keen to know what's going on. But...

I'm confused. Ilia answers the phone to a stranger and sounds confused and slightly concerned. She doesn't seem to know what's going on. Did she phone the 'answering service'? If so, would she not be expecting this call. If not, why is she so keen to take the job? Sure - $1000 would be great. But the job sounds like it's a drug deal or something... Seems like a very sudden switch in Ilia, from concerned confusion, to a keen interest.

Just my thoughts... :)
 
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It's reading well, Wheat. There are a couple (small) loose ties in direction of Ilias character.

I'm receiving somewhat of a mixed impression as to the importance of the 'mission' or the 'case' that the phonecall is instigating. You mention that she's a waitress who lives in a studio apartment. Given her occupation (if not a disguise to blend carelessly into society) and her genuine surprise upon answering the phone, I'm left posing questions at to why they trust this person to what I assume is a job of importance. One of whom seems so unsure and unreassuring. Perhaps it's the naivety you need from a muel if that be the case, but if she is to play an active role in any action or otherwise that the audience are unaware of right now, a few ammendmants would be advisable.

One of which would be to clarify the City/Town. This will go strides into enabling the audience to decipher whether or not she was chosen. If it's a small, rural town or a fishing town on the outskirts perhaps, we're given the impression that it's planned. It must be. One, it's not practical, the liklihood of choosing a person from such a place must be a decision made with thought.

However, given the 'Studio Apartment' I assume she's from a strong, largely populated, economical city. From the hesitation from the caller, it would sound as though he either skipped through a phonebook and chose completely at random, or posted a vague ad of which was applied to by a tired, looking for work waitress who can't remember one day to the next.

If this is the case, if Ilia is genuinely a normal, bog-standard citizen who has stumbled upon this phonecall I believe her reactions would be a little more 'heart in the mouth' at times. Especially here.

PHONE(O.S)

One thousand dollars cash. {pause} Do I have your attention now Ilia? {beat} good.. at 9:00 AM this morning a man will arive and give you a small duffle bag. You will NOT open the bag.

Hang up.

She's watched Crime Dramas. She's seen the movies. She knows she should NOT be in this call. She's just got chills, her stomach just flipped. It's drugs, it's drugs, oh god it's a horses head. Hang up. She's just a waitress...just a waitress. Perhaps she calls back (After a struggle with herself) convinced of her paranoia but not completely dismissing the possibility of danger. She makes that decision to do something she knows and we know that is out of character and hugely unadvised. That then offers the audience that helping hand that yes, she is your average waitress but she's going to live a little dangerously. She wants change and we want to see how the little waitress handles the risks of whatever lies ahead.

Best of luck.
 
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Fair basic premise.
- young-ish woman with subsistance job.
- mystery caller with intrigue and (potential) cash.
- semi-convoluted task she's sure to foul up.

Sounds like the beginning of The Transporter
Or School of Rock.


I recall some of the evolution the basic story that eventually became POWER UP, so I know you're game for some hard work.

Ilia/Lily's financial condition needs to be established as being more dire.
In an effort to reduce the number of on screen talent the Mystery Caller's call could be preceded by the apartment manager/landlord's phone call requesting this and last month's rent by tomorrow before the Sheriff's office is called to enforce the eviction notice already delivered to her.
Or you could cameo on the other side of the entry door to deliver that message. ;)

And if you want to be really funny, immediately after The Mystery Caller states the terms the manger/landlord could knock on the entry door and state his speil as Ilia further considers THE MYSTERY CALLER's offer, she asks about payment, he tells her the $$, she blows off the frustrated manager/landlord who stomps off down the dark hallway or whose shadow walks away from under the entry door (classic X-Files sorta shot).

Possibly show her left hand is ringless.
Bringing a desperate need to provide for a non-custodial small child could make the story unnecessarily complex. Might "sell it". Your call.

The convoluted directions might be simplified some.

- receive the bag and envelope at 9.
- read then flush the envelope and contents immediately.
- deliver the bag before 11. No stops.

The delivery address had better be someplace unique that her special "special-ness" precludes the caller or driver from entering, otherwise WTH's the point of adding another layer of complexity with "some waitress"?

And I don't know anyone using a hardline phone these days.
http://www.zedge.net/ringtones/0-6-1-public domain/
http://audiko.net/ringtone/Public+Domain

For bonus, when the delivery person drops off the bag & envelope, have Ilia tell him/her she's outta gas, can he spare her a $10?
If you want the delivery guy to be nice he gives her a $20 with some mutual googoo eyes.
If you want the delivery guy to be a d!ck, Ilia asks for a $20 and he gives he a $5.
You can play Ilia any number of ways. Is she a ding-a-ling in a whirlwind over her head - or - is she maybe just a little bit smarter at playing games than first appearance would suggest.

One more thing, consider The Mystery Caller as being possibly not the cliché rushed and hurried man, but more of the Christoph Waltz/Hanz Landa route.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xgj1Csnr_w
 
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Good feed back all.

Yes these questions are asked on purpose.

Why would any young sane girl take such a strange and possibly illegal job?

Why does she not remember calling?

Why such specific tasks?

Answers: These facts play big roles in the short story and are reveled some quicker than others.

Ilia is an illegal immigrant with family ties to Russian mob. This is not the first time they have leaned on her for tasks, so she just assumes its associated. Its important to the plot that the viewer not no this yet... but in short she thinks shes working for the mob, but of course she isn't!

I think I posted the "teaser script" last year for this..


Fun that Ray would mention land lord, 'cause this IS the next scene.. his fat hands pounding on the door..


Here is the old teaser script.. its sorta starts in the middle of the new story, some changes still need to be made to the teaser script (20 something vs 30 something etc) but this should give you all a better idea of where this is going.. .

EXT. EMPTY HIGHWAY-NIGHT

The back road is deserted, in the distance the lights of a small city twinkle in the dark night. A small distortion bulges out of the darkness... ILIA, a twenty something year old woman, erupts from the distortion in mid hard running stride, She slows and comes to a stop, Hands on knees, bends over to catch her breath, she looks over her shoulder to the empty space she just emerged from..

...As Ilia straightens and continues to jog down the empty road towards the lights in the distance...

Ilia V.O.

Iv seen a lot of trouble in my short time on this earth. Trouble with the government, trouble with men... trouble with the gods...

In mid jogging stride, Ilia pulls the cheap looking metal trinket from beneath her shirt. The amulet hangs from a simple chain, She looks at it, frowns slightly and steps into a black shadow. She vanishes...

EXT. CITY BACK ALLEY-NIGHT

...As Ilia steps from a distorted shadow into the half light, she drops the amulet back into her shirt, slows her jog, pushes her hair behind her ear, smooths a wrinkle from her blouse and walks towards the busy street...

Ilia V.O.

...The first time I saw a god he was behind a truck stop giving out fertility blessings for a few mumbled prayers and twenty bucks!

EXT. BUSY CITY STREET-NIGHT

...As Ilia turns and enters a convenience store, picks out a bottle of water and pays the clerk.

Ilia V.O.

In the old days, the gods had power, they could shake the earth, make it rain, useful stuff like that ... these days, when they can remember who they are, they shout hallelujah and make a small miracle when their bowels move...

...As Ilia exits the convenience store, bottle in hand, she continues walking down the street, she turns into a poorly light alley...

Ilia V.O.

Once in a while they need a little help from us mortals...sounds exciting doesn't it?!.. well its not... the pay sucks, the hours are lousy and in the end... in the end, when the job is done it always seems to cost you more then it cost them. {mockingly} Gods.. who needs 'em...

Ilia steps into a deep shadow and vanishes....

EXT. BUSY INTERSTATE HIGHWAY-NIGHT

...As Ilia steps out of a distorted shadow directly into the path of an oncoming semi truck...she turns towards the truck and drops the water bottle, it bounces on the road.

ILIA V.O.

I guess every now and then, we all do...

(Fade TO white --- from the glaring head lights)


EDIT: Yes, heavily influenced by Niel Gaiman.
 
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