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critique Short Script
- Thread starter Geezer
- Start date
As it stands, it would make for an interesting exercise in set dressing, cinematography and editing - it contains a huge amount of detail for such a short work, which is good from a story-telling point of view, but would be quite a challenge for a no-budget film-maker. 
Story-wise, it's very descriptive but lacks a decent twist. The montage explains how Rachel got to the starting point of piece, but you could cut it all out and it'd hardly be missed. If there's more to the movie than this, perhaps these "chapters" would find their relevance.
The title lead me to expect more: [there] but for the grace of God [go I] ... so who's the I who didn't follow Rachel's path? Again, if there's a whole other part to the story, this might make more sense (maybe Rachel's daughter facing the same problems when she grows up?)
Apart from a few minor vocab issues (e.g. I think book cover would read post-natal depression, not ante !
) the text is well laid out, very easy to read, very easy to pull apart for the different departments involved.
Here endeth the critique!
Story-wise, it's very descriptive but lacks a decent twist. The montage explains how Rachel got to the starting point of piece, but you could cut it all out and it'd hardly be missed. If there's more to the movie than this, perhaps these "chapters" would find their relevance.
The title lead me to expect more: [there] but for the grace of God [go I] ... so who's the I who didn't follow Rachel's path? Again, if there's a whole other part to the story, this might make more sense (maybe Rachel's daughter facing the same problems when she grows up?)
Apart from a few minor vocab issues (e.g. I think book cover would read post-natal depression, not ante !
) the text is well laid out, very easy to read, very easy to pull apart for the different departments involved.Here endeth the critique!
Thanks for your feedback. The "I" is all of us, how lives can change in an instant. Don't judge people because that could be any of us if circumstances were different. You are spot on about the "chapters," this is actually from my novel and trying to condense a novel into a 3 page script isn't easy.
The book is titled Under a Thousand Stars and that's because she is homeless and sleeps under...
How I used anti-natal and not even ante is actually beyond me so thanks for pointing it out, of course it's post-natal lol
The book is titled Under a Thousand Stars and that's because she is homeless and sleeps under...
How I used anti-natal and not even ante is actually beyond me so thanks for pointing it out, of course it's post-natal lol
When I saw in your other post that you were aiming to do that, I thought to myself you'd set yourself a tough challenge.
After a very (very) brief attempt at writing a screenplay based on a novel, and having watched many a film adaptation of popular novels, I realised that the vast majority of feature-length films can only fully accommodate a short story; anything longer has to be severely cut.At the risk of jumping across threads, I know of a young Canterbury-based actress (I've mentioned her previously here) who might be interested in collaborating on such a project. She's perhaps a bit young for Rachel at the moment, but ages well with the right make-up, and might be "old enough" by the time the script is ready! She also has film-maker contacts in the region.
We've all seen some of those - half an hour, or even two-thirds of a trilogy earlier! One of the most fascinating aspects of film-making for me is "the cutting room floor". Not so much the compilation of out-takes that ends up on the DVD as the sheer amount of material that can be removed - that needs to be removed - to keep the story flowing smoothly.
Thanks for the link above.
I heard somewhere along my screenwriting knowledge gathering, that if it doesn't add anything then remove it. I think the problem is with time/pages, so writers pad it out with crap that just isn't needed but it has to be a certain length to get produced. Unless its just a showcase for festivals then features have to be a certain length. Same with novels, they have to be around 80,000 words. Longer is not always better, as the actress said to the bishop
I heard somewhere along my screenwriting knowledge gathering, that if it doesn't add anything then remove it. I think the problem is with time/pages, so writers pad it out with crap that just isn't needed but it has to be a certain length to get produced. Unless its just a showcase for festivals then features have to be a certain length. Same with novels, they have to be around 80,000 words. Longer is not always better, as the actress said to the bishop
It's very well written. There are several things I, personally, don't like in your
format but that's cosmetic.
This would be very expensive to shoot. A lot of locations. Without knowing
you condensed an entire novel into this script I was left wondering why it
almost all montage. Makes sense after reading a few more posts, but this
script doesn't stand on it's own.
format but that's cosmetic.
This would be very expensive to shoot. A lot of locations. Without knowing
you condensed an entire novel into this script I was left wondering why it
almost all montage. Makes sense after reading a few more posts, but this
script doesn't stand on it's own.
Thanks directorik. This is based on a true story and there is so much more to the story, so getting onto 3 pages was always going to be difficult. I saw a 3 page script contest so thought I would give it a go. I will again but try for 10-12 pages.
Editing to say; I eventually want to adapt my book into a feature. I'm just learning the script writing process at the moment.
Being new to this I didn't think about cost, I'm not even sure how to work out a budget, more to learn. I actually didn't think it would cost that much to shoot this? Also what is "expensive?"
Thanks
Editing to say; I eventually want to adapt my book into a feature. I'm just learning the script writing process at the moment.
Being new to this I didn't think about cost, I'm not even sure how to work out a budget, more to learn. I actually didn't think it would cost that much to shoot this? Also what is "expensive?"
Thanks
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Since you didn't mention this was written for a contest I made the
(poor) assumption this was a script you wanted to see made. I
incorrectly conflated this post with your “How to?” post.
hospital, nightclub, prison.
However that's not really the responsibility of the writer unless the writer
is also producing. Or – as I mistakenly assumed – hoping a small “indie”
filmmaker will take it on.
For a contest this is great. As I said, very well written. You have the
basics down.
(poor) assumption this was a script you wanted to see made. I
incorrectly conflated this post with your “How to?” post.
There are a lot of locations. And some that can be expensive to use:
hospital, nightclub, prison.
However that's not really the responsibility of the writer unless the writer
is also producing. Or – as I mistakenly assumed – hoping a small “indie”
filmmaker will take it on.
For a contest this is great. As I said, very well written. You have the
basics down.
Thanks directorik. Yeah I was just asking those questions because it's something I've not thought about so was interested. I saw this 3 page/minute competition so thought I would see what I could do. I have written another 12 page script and started a 3rd. I' will probab;y write another longer version of the 3 page one. It's all good as at least I'm writing and getting used to writing screenplays.
I thought it was quite good. As a formatting exercise it was very good.
It felt almost entirely 'montage' to me, which, apart from the first page, it almost is. I don't know what the criteria of the contest is but if I was a judge (they would be scraping the barrel if I was!) I think I'd lean towards something that ventured down the path of exploring what could be achieved through interaction between characters.
My script has more than it's fair share of montages and I am very conscious that this could be construed as a 'cop-out'. Even ,personally, would prefer it if I can would the story within the montages into the main flow.
Drat... I just created more work for myself whist critiquing yours!
It felt almost entirely 'montage' to me, which, apart from the first page, it almost is. I don't know what the criteria of the contest is but if I was a judge (they would be scraping the barrel if I was!) I think I'd lean towards something that ventured down the path of exploring what could be achieved through interaction between characters.
My script has more than it's fair share of montages and I am very conscious that this could be construed as a 'cop-out'. Even ,personally, would prefer it if I can would the story within the montages into the main flow.
Drat... I just created more work for myself whist critiquing yours!
The thing is it's from my novel which obviously has a lot more to it so trying to get across the main themes was going to be difficult in 3 pages. There is no criteria. I did think about the overuse of montage but as it's so short I thought it would be OK.
Thanks for your feedback I take it all on board, good bad or indifferent
Thanks for your feedback I take it all on board, good bad or indifferent
That isn't a bad idea, There is quite a good scene when the protagonist is in the police station talking with one of her friends. I'll certainly give it some thought. It wouldn't be multiple locations so much easier to produce, thanks mlesemann. I could obviously include much more of the story if I go for 10-15 pages.
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Will get back to you about this (if others don't chip in sooner) in about 10 days. Am working in a French valley with crappy internet this week and next ...