Short Script - Critique Requested

[Shaw]

Hey guys,

This is a modified version of my script I wrote for the latest competition (but didn't complete in time sadly). As mentioned, I've modified it a bit - took out the whole required line of dialogue as it wasn't fitting well. I've already shot most of the script but I plan on reshooting the script at some later date with real actors, a larger budget, etc. So.. any comments on ways to improve the script would be most appreciated!

http://www.weet.us/veritas.html

One thing I know I need to change is the prisoner smiting the ground in frustration. That has the potential to come across really dumb.

 

[NicklausLouis]

This is a shooting script and sometimes they read very poorly because it's not like reading a novel or even a spec script. clive has said it in the past that sometimes shooting scripts read like user manuals.

So with that preface let me tell you what I thought:

First thing I notice is that you say "the sign reads" then no text to be placed on the sign.

I found the entire thing to be based on visuals, but the visual description is sparse ("To his right a large mountain rises." instead of something like "On his right a snow capped mountain the size of which you only see in dreams towers above the barren plain.") This is not really necessary for a shooting script you plan on writing your self, because you as director know exactly the image you want to achieve. But for someone reading it the imagry is boring.

The story, well it's confusing. Again, I fell that the goal of this short would be to display it's striking visuals, not so much a story. I am not sure I get what is being said by the ending. And it neither suprised me nor did I see it coming, it was just there. (That being said, good forshadowing in the ripples of the water)

Poke

 

[Spatula]

From what you have there, it seems like a really simple idea that with (as Poke said) strong visuals, could be a nice little "message short".
I've invented that term that term for reference to some of my own plans for creating shorts based on a moral (Karma, poverty, consideration, etc). The reason I'm doing them is to simply experiment with different styles, lighting, sound, etc... it's a great way to do some tests, but at the same time, create a cohesive film from a simple idea.
That said- I think this would be a great script for that same kind of scenario- a chance for you to try something new and different (and I see a lot of visual potential in the scenery and puddle).
This is the story I got from it:
This guy is someone who shelters himself from hurt, lying to himself that he's doing ok, but he comes to realize through what appears to be religion (light imagrey, cloak being "monkish") that you have to pull yourself out of the slum... and he struggles through his life, putting faith in himself to come out to the top- which is realization of oneself, and finding inner peace and happiness with yourself.

That's my own interpretation, and I think if constructed with original shot ideas and some really unique technical work, it would be something really nice to have for festivals, or maybe just for personal achievement.

 

[Zensteve]

I liked it.

Any inspiration from a certain 60's tv show, starring Patrick McGoohan?

 

[Shaw]

Thanks for the comments guys.

Poke: very good point. I suppose the script would be boring to read as it stands right now. Since I did/will shoot this I didn't include much detail about the visuals, which incidentally, comprise almost the entire narrative (intentionally).

Confusion isn't a good sign! I think it makes more sense when you see it visually though. It wasn't put together for the visuals per se (though I wanted to include the oportunity to utilize some local terrain which absolutely rocks). I'm glad the forshadowing didn't completely give away the intent of the script. I felt like some forshadowing was necessary, but I DON'T want to make the final intent obvious that early.

Your comment about the end was very useful. Thanks! I really need to make it obvious that the end of the script is near. As it stands right now it's sort of semi-random - though perhaps reaching the top is a near enough subltety? Perhaps a stronger forshadowing of the final destination? Hmm, definitely something to ponder!

Spatula: Thanks for the comments . Actually I didn't (consciously) intend to imply anything about religion (though I'm glad the metaphor was abstract enough to allow personal interpretation! That was my hope!). As a metaphor I wanted to leave the exact interpretation up to the individual while providing the necessary thought provoking atmosphere.

I did have several general themes on my mind when I wrote the script though. Actually I was originally inspired by Plato's "Allegory of the Cave." The script eventually moved in its own direction but the cave influence can still be seen . I wanted to question what we commonly percieve as reality. We often live in a dream world of our own creating - whether that be politics, religion, a personal problem which seems unconquerable etc. A prison of the mind so to speak.

The transition from darkness to light was meant to parallel the above as a metaphor for enlightenment (and thus the subsequent pain in the process). The ascent can fit pretty much in the same catagory - the struggles, the pain, the ease of giving up on the way to the final destination (a destination which notably the prisoner does not know). And I'll leave the rest up to individual interpretation (as that, really, is where any power from the script will ultimately lie).

"nice little message short" describes the intent well I think . I'm really looking to play around with the visuals and I think it will help me become a better filmmaker overall in the process since I get to focus almost entirely on performance and visuals.

Zen: Nope! I'm not familiar with TV from the 60's really . What show were you thinking of?

As Poke pointed out, the script is nearly 100% visual and I didn't exactly expound upon the visual elements in writing (as I'm shooting it myself). I'm mostly interested in thoughts regarding the flow of the story, etc. I went up and shot most of the footage I need for the short utilizing a skeleton crew and friends. It was useful as it allowed me to play around with a few visual elements and see how they really worked. I do plan on shooting this in a more serious manner later though with real actors etc.

 

[spinner]

...this is the first chance I have had to read this, sorry I'm showing up all late

I didn't read the other posts until after I read the script, so I didn't know what you were thinking or what the imagery intended so this is what I thought:

I thought that maybe there was more story to tell, almost as if this was a scene from a bigger story. It's a good thing to leave 'em wanting to know more about the person and his situation. (sorry, don't know much about Plato). I thought the imagery was good, but I also thought it maybe you knew more about the scene than was indicated in the script. Sometimes, when I write something, I don't worry about the details until I get the idea down first, then I go back and fill in the details when I am sure the idea is mapped out. That is what I thought you might have been doing.

I thought the reflection in the pool will work if not drawn out too much, but that's a pet peeve of mine ('cinematography tricks that bug you' thread). Can't go letting me tell you what to do!

Finally, since the idea of a film is to take the person out of themselves for a while, I thought that you did that well. I didn't spend alot of time trying to figure out the symbolism, I usually try to see if I care about the story after giving it a few minutes.

You say you have some of it shot? Cool, I would like to see what becomes of your character....

--spinner

 

[Shaw]

Thanks for the critique spinner. Much obliged!

It's definitely a script that I feel is "a work in progress." It was written in an attempt to meet the deadline for the indietalk competition but alas, I took too long with it even then .

I really need to flesh out the plot a little bit more. My draft, as it stands now, in mostly written around the symbolism and the plot suffers because of it. I need to specify WHY the prisoner attempts the ascent and why we should care. Didn't do a good job with that.

Quite right about the reflection! It bugs me too actually but I can't think of a significantly better means of doing it. Something to think about for sure! Any immediate ideas?

Finding a balance between endless tweaking and just shooting the darn thing has always been a problem for me. Maybe I'm just too much of a perfectionist.

I'll definitely post when I have the new version completed. I have the files for the old stuff just sitting on my computer at the moment collecting metaphoric dust. I think I posted some screengrabs somewhere around here... not sure though. Anyway for amusements sake here are a few special effects grabs.

Greenscreen Shot

Another Greenscreen Shot

Added a cave entrance with After Effects (It was just a bank)

Any my horrible greenscreen setup

If anyone else has thoughts I'd love to hear them! Even if it's just to say the script sucks and I need to get my head checked!

 

[spinner]

...well, now since you don't have a deadline, you can make this exactly what you want it to be...

I really need to flesh out the plot a little bit more. My draft, as it stands now, in mostly written around the symbolism and the plot suffers because of it. I need to specify WHY the prisoner attempts the ascent and why we should care. Didn't do a good job with that.

...what I was thinking is that it just seemed unfinished, which it was. Once you spend more time on it, it will make more sense. Yeah, we need to know why the prisoner attempts the ascent. We might not need to know how or why he is a prisoner, sometimes you can just take things a face value, but it might be something to explore so long as it doesn't collapse your idea or mess up what you are trying to do.

Quite right about the reflection! It bugs me too actually but I can't think of a significantly better means of doing it. Something to think about for sure! Any immediate ideas?

...tap dancers and jazz musicians are notorious for saying that they stole from each other. In keeping with their genius : I just saw a movie called 'Tesseract' where the lead saw a 'vision' appear on a concrete wall. It was an interesting use of this technique, just looked like a superimposed shot. (The Directors first name is Oxide, no kidding). Then the lead snaps out of the vision and its just a wall again....

...mess up your actors' hair, too nice for a prisoner, give him something that looks like a uniform, you gotta have Salvation Army where you are or a thrift shop. How much could second hand work clothes be?

Maybe you could leave some clues for those unfamiliar with certain philosophies, not that they shouldn't have to use their brains. The symbolism will work however, for anyone who has a barrier or something to overcome...

keep us posted...

--spinner

 

[Boz Uriel]

Plato's cave theory is two men chained to the floor, blinders on, staring at the back wall. Behind them is a light source. All they know is that it gets dark, it gets light, it gets cold and it gets warm. They see their shadows on the wall and once in a while a passing rabbit or deer will throw a shadow too. This is all they know. This is their entire existance. Well one day one of the men gets loose. He gathers his courage up and leaves the cave to find a beautiful world. It just so happens to be the world we know (or as Plato knew). With buildings and culture and art. Think how wonderous a flower would be to someone who'd never seen one. Well this guy runs back to the cave and tells his friend. His friend, of course, thinks he's nuts and refuses to turn his gaze from the cave wall. There was some violence and a severe beating, small body count. j/k

So with that I must say I still don't get it. I don't think your piece conveys that at all. At least not what I read when I downloaded it from your link. Is there a more up to date version you'd like critiqued?

My main question would be, "what's your thesis?" What do you want to say with this? You've shown me the door, now give me the key.