Short Screenplay - Feed Me Feedback!

[mad_hatter]

Hi all!

Just wondering if anybody would be kind enough to have a read of this short, short, short, short screenplay. It's only 4 pages long. There's a fair bit of gore in there though, so be warned.

Here it is:


Field Trip


I'm looking for feedback in all areas, but what I really want to know is if you feel this short, if it were filmed by somebody fairly competent, would make a good lead in to a feature film? Would you want to see a feature version of this? Is it interesting enough? Is it intriguing enough? Also, does it work as a stand-alone short?

Thanks in advance for any feedback I might receive!

 

[Inarius]

Blood! So much blood!

 

[maz]

Well, for what it is, I like it, and I like what I suspect is the idea underpinning it that could certainly extend to a feature. It seems to me that you've found a way to (oversimplifying, but still) meld a zombie film onto a slasher film: pretty smart

I think the flashback in isolation is a bit clunky. Could you have the opening scene presenting the carnage in some unusual way, and then the flashback providing the explanation of how a corpse ended up (for example) hanging from a tree by its ankles or whatever unusual configuration you choose to use?

The proofreader in me feels compelled to say: apostrophes! Also, do you mean trachea when you wrote "oesophagus"? Not that it makes a huge amount of difference for where the pressure is applied...

 

[odd1out]

Extremly short but I liked it. The whole thing feel like a setp up for something bigger. I think you should develop it more and see where it goes.

 

[NickClapper]

Yep, I liked it. I think it works well as a simple short slasher, though I would perhaps condense some of the action in the script to keep things trimmer and give more room for interpretation on set.

Other than that I don't have many tips – other than there's a stray semicolon where there should be an apostrophe – other than to implore you to go out and shoot it!

 

[mad_hatter]

Blood! So much blood!

That was the plan!

It seems to me that you've found a way to (oversimplifying, but still) meld a zombie film onto a slasher film: pretty smart

You got it. So glad that idea comes over!

I think the flashback in isolation is a bit clunky. Could you have the opening scene presenting the carnage in some unusual way, and then the flashback providing the explanation of how a corpse ended up (for example) hanging from a tree by its ankles or whatever unusual configuration you choose to use?

Well, it’s possible. The bloody arm we see at the start doesn’t necessarily belong to Kate (who is killed in the flashback). The flashback is just there to add a little bit of depth Grant, to show that he is, seemingly, crazy (and to give him something remotely interesting to say). The flashback itself, I only picture lasting for about 10 seconds, just to give an interesting reference point to Grants previous line. It’s not necessary; if it doesn’t work, it could be cut completely.

Also, do you mean trachea when you wrote "oesophagus"? Not that it makes a huge amount of difference for where the pressure is applied...

I guess you’re right! I didn’t even think about it; I was just after a synonym for throat (rather than writing throat over and over and over and…)

Extremly short but I liked it. The whole thing feel like a setp up for something bigger. I think you should develop it more and see where it goes.

I’ve already written the feature version of this (actually, I wrote it many years ago!). It’s probably my favourite thing I’ve written, especially in term of originality. This short kind-of acts as a prequel to the feature, as this camp is shown in a similar fashion at the start of that screenplay.

…I would perhaps condense some of the action in the script to keep things trimmer and give more room for interpretation on set.

That’s good advice. I think this would be a case of, irrespective of what’s written, just get as much coverage as possible, for as many options in the edit.

…go out and shoot it!

I plan to!



***

This is actually for a really cool competition (only open to UK residents, unfortunately):

Shortcuts To Hell II

They’re looking for shorts, under 3 minutes, that show the potential of a feature film, but work as a stand-alone short. The prize is a minimum of £20,000 (maybe more, depending on other sponsors/investors), and the assistance, to produce that feature.

They ran this competition last year, but with more restrictions. The competition was actually prefixed with 666, with “6” being the theme (only 6 cast and crew, only 6 lines of dialogue, only 6 titles to choose from (all with “6” in them)…). Those restrictions meant it didn’t really appeal to me. I believe IT’er LDS produced an entry…

This one however, with those restrictions removed, is much more appealing. Last year, the top 26 had their shorts assembled into an “ABC’s of Death” style anthology film, available on iTunes. I’d be ecstatic if I even got that far!

***

 

[maz]

You got it. So glad that idea comes over!

It's a decent idea, although vaguely similar to what I did in my last novel!

Well, it’s possible. The bloody arm we see at the start doesn’t necessarily belong to Kate (who is killed in the flashback). The flashback is just there to add a little bit of depth Grant, to show that he is, seemingly, crazy (and to give him something remotely interesting to say). The flashback itself, I only picture lasting for about 10 seconds, just to give an interesting reference point to Grants previous line. It’s not necessary; if it doesn’t work, it could be cut completely.

I think that whole bit doesn't work too well, including Grant's previous line. The flashback itself isn't the problem, for me, it's more what it contains - all it does is confirm that a bloodthirsty murderer is a bloodthirsty murderer. There are more interesting things that can be done with it, I reckon.

I guess you’re right! I didn’t even think about it; I was just after a synonym for throat (rather than writing throat over and over and over and…)

If you're planning to shoot it yourself it's not really an issue, and you couldn't really put pressure on the oesophagus without putting pressure on the trachea (as the latter is at the front). It's just my natural pedantry

 

[mad_hatter]

It's a decent idea, although vaguely similar to what I did in my last novel!

There’s plenty of room for various interpretations of similar ideas. That’s part of the fun of storytelling!

The flashback itself isn't the problem, for me, it's more what it contains - all it does is confirm that a bloodthirsty murderer is a bloodthirsty murderer.

Yeah. Of course, I was aware of this as I wrote it, but that was the only purpose it was supposed to serve. As I said, it’s not necessary at all; my hope was that the very quick shot of Kate screaming “You’re Crazy!”, then getting her throat cut would be quite cool. It also acts as an excuse for more blood (which is never a bad thing in a no-budget horror!).

…you couldn't really put pressure on the oesophagus without putting pressure on the trachea (as the latter is at the front).

Exactly. That’s why I said it! Duh!

 

[maz]

Yeah. Of course, I was aware of this as I wrote it, but that was the only purpose it was supposed to serve. As I said, it’s not necessary at all; my hope was that the very quick shot of Kate screaming “You’re Crazy!”, then getting her throat cut would be quite cool. It also acts as an excuse for more blood (which is never a bad thing in a no-budget horror!).

I agree any excuse for more blood is good, but in 3 minutes I reckon you should make every second count!

Where will you be filming this, out of interest? I notice from the Community Project thread that you're based in Birmingham?

 

[mad_hatter]

Yeah. Well, near enough. I'm actually in Redditch. I plan to shoot in woods local to here. There's some nice woodland around here.