What program did you use to write this? You don't use proper screenplay format.
IE: "SCENE1: GAS STATION" should read something like "EXT. GAS STATION - DAY" and so on.
You also write very novelistic, writing what a character is thinking or their motivation for doing something in the action. It's my understanding a screenplay writer only writes what the audience will see.
IE: "Safaa starts to hear a voice similar to a phone ringing. He wonders if its real and if yes, where is it coming from."
The next line where Safaa says, "Jaber, is that your phone ringing?" Tells the reader/viewer what he is thinking; whether the ring is real or not. It shouldn't be spelled out the way you have it.
I ignored the format somehow, I focused more on the story. I tried to add twits here and there to make it more entertainment. It's fine to fail as this is my first try. At least now I know the format was wrong and I need to fix my writings. English is a second language, I'm still limited speaking of vocabs. About describing the motive of the action, I will read more scripts just to fully understand what you mean and see how other scripts are different than mine.
Thanks for the help, I will keep that in mind next time.
Please this time I'm interested about the story.
Is it good overall?
Do you see a conflict and a solution?
How can I develop the characters more?
Improve the dialogue ?
Screenplays consist of two major portions: story and structure. The story is what makes the film meaningful. The structure is how the story is organized and presented for production. In bad films both are bad. In some films one or the other is bad. In good films, both work together. In writing a critique, both aspects are looked at.
The structure includes your formatting, spelling, and other elements. Dession pointed out that there are some major problems. I understand that English is not your first language. 'Wired' should be 'weird' and 'basters' should be 'bastards'. Since 'wired' and 'baster(s)' are proper English words, they would probably not show up on your spell check.
You should find a good book on writing a screenplay. As Dession said, you explain too much and then say it again in the dialogue. Your posted script has the pattern of describing the scene followed by dialogue. In an actual screenplay the two are mixed. The actions taken should explain the thoughts of the character. You should never have to say it directly.
For example, "He checks the back seat to see if his ball is still there. He finds out its not there, so he gets mad he thinks they stole it." In the script, you describe the actions of someone who is angry and suspects them. What does Ammar look like when he is mad?
Code:
[color="red"] Your Version [/color]
When he gets inside the car, he notices that Jaber has a basketball on his hand.
He looks from the mirror and sees the same sticker on the ball. At first it doesn’t
come to his mind that it could be his ball. He drives off, after few minutes he
remembers about his ball. He checks the back seat to see if his ball is still there.
He finds out its not there, so he gets mad he thinks they stole it. Ammar drinks
more from the energy drink.
AMMAR
Those basters took my basketball, I’m going back for it.
Here is how the snippet might appear in a formatted script:
Code:
Ammar enters his car.
Jaber bounces his basketball with Safaa by his side.
Ammar glances in the rearview mirror. The basketball has the same sticker as his.
Ammar closes the door, starts the car and starts driving down the road.
He looks over at his cell phone, glances back in the mirror to see Jaber bouncing
the basketball.
He pulls off to the side of the road. He turns about and thrashes through his
backseat.
He turns back and pounds on the steering wheel.
AMMAR
Those bastards!
He takes a swig of his energy drink, he throws the car into drive, and makes
a fast u-turn, his tires squealing.
His car goes speeding back towards them walking in the center of the road.
The character's actions convey the thoughts. He saw the basketball with the sticker, he searched the backseat, he banged the wheel with frustration, he expressed his anger at them, his next actions were to go back after them. The director will probably have closeups of the ball but it is not necessary for the writer to describe the camera set-up.
Also notice, the dialogue is shorter. From the description of the scene, it is obviously about the basketball. His actions show he is going back for it. The only useful part of the line expresses his anger.
The story portion is more difficult. Why would someone have multiple knives in the back of their car? Why would Jaber not check before crossing for the ball? What does hitting the cone have to do with the story? Why is Ammar playing with his basketball while filling the gas tank? Would anyone try to use a cellphone, drink and dribble a ball at the same time? Why is Ammar so provoked to the point of stabbing someone for something that is trivial?
Elements of a story need to make reasonable sense to a degree. If you set the scene in an gang-run area, it would seem more plausible. You would have to give more information in the description. If this is taking place in the Middle East, I might still believe it though I'd be a bit more skeptical. Having this happen in, say, Middletown America, it becomes much more unbelievable.
The idea of having precognition is a good one. The way you introduce Safaa and Jaber's characters is good. Again, I think the dialogue and description need to be worked better like shown above. At first I didn't like the ending. But on re-reading it, I thought it was good but the formatting distracted from it.
It was kind of a "Final Destination".
The importance of structure on story is really highlighted by your script. The improper formatting hides a good idea. While the story idea is still rough and could use some improvement, it shows promise. My suggestion would be to read some scripts to get a sense of how to translate your ideas into more visual, action-oriented writing.
My initial comments are based on your first posting. However, similar flaws exist in the second. You tell the audience what they are supposed to think (exposition) instead of describing events that lead the audience to think that for themselves (demonstration).
"Safaa and Jaber freeze, they can’t believe what’s happening." How does the viewer know that? That's not going to be said on camera. What would they do to convey visually by actions that they 'don't believe this is happening'? Perhaps their faces contort and they glance at each other before looking back at Ammar. A cheat would be to write, "they freeze, glance at each in disbelief and turn to face Ammar". (Purists will say describe the actions and use rich vocabulary. Practical writers will say, the director/actor will do what they want anyway, so be descriptive of the intent.) In either case, focus on the actions that portray the intent rather than saying "this is what the character is feeling".
I don't think I would know a 40 mph car speeding at me from a 25 mph car. My only thought would be to get out of the way. The party is over, so he needs to rush to Hazem's house in 5 minutes? Again, I would focus on being realistic.
Do you carry knives in the back of your car? Would you stab somebody without cause? Especially if you have a party you are going to? Would you really chase a ball without looking both ways?
. I think it is valuable for new writers. You have followed it somewhat intuitively. Again, the structure (how you present the story) interferes with the actual story elements.
(PS: For what it is worth, Celtx is a good choice.)
I don't know what to say about your posts, I think you are the number 1 reason why I'm come to this forum. I noticed whenever you write something, it is absolutely priceless. I'm still reading your post, but I wanted to give you a quick thanks for the huge help your offering. It's very hard to see people like you.
I will read my script, your post, other scripts, my script, and the article you suggested. When I make more changes to the story, I will update this thread.
Quickly about the the knife part, this is what I was thinking.
I thought maybe it would be a good idea to surprise the audience when Safaa sees those events twice. It would be boring if the same exact thing happens.
When Safaa gets the vision for the first time, Jaber dies.
The second time, Safaa is able to save Jaber. I thought now the audience will think nothing bad will happen, that's when I surprise them with Jaber and Safaa being killed. Since its just a vision, I guess It doesn't have to be accurate.
So after this ... the same events happen and Safaa saves Jaber by telling him to take two steps to the right. Later on when Ammar talks to them, he receives a text message from his friend, so the knife part is not even there anymore. When they go check his car, they don't see the knife. Things are different a little bit.
Maybe I can make Safaa tell Jaber on a conversation that these visions are not accurate 100%, but very similar in some way.
I thought there were some good ideas in this script. I have a suggestion to make, but it might run counter to what you want to do.
The question that bothers me is: why 2 visions? Are they just 2 vague, more or less accurate premonitions?
I thought those 2 visions could be 2 partial views of the same thing. It’s like you’re shown only one part of a picture, and then another part and in the end the whole picture is revealed to you and you realized how the 2 parts are combined in an ingenious and unexpected way. What I’m trying to say is that both of Safaa’s visions could be true and could be combined in what happens in reality.
Example:
Vision 1: Jaber dies knifed by Ammar.
Vision 2: Jaber dies hit by a car.
Reality: Ammar tries to knife Jaber but Safaa pushes Jaber aside and Ammar only injures him in the arm. But in a panic Jaber runs into the road and is hit by a car.
(This is not very ingenious, but it’s just an example and only concerns the death. You could add many other weird details that appear separately in the 2 visions and are reconciled in the final scene)
The more contradictory the 2 visions seem, the more inventiveness will be required to combine them, the more powerful the effect at the end.
hi,
abhishek here... yes its a good screenplay with good detailing. but tends to get confusing when safa see things 2 times. and one thing i would like to ask that, why amar will kill them if he doesnt know them. you could modify a little bit. rest is good.
