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Script Feedback?

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Don't be offended by anything I have to say.

There are a lot of typos in this thing. Read it out loud to yourself or have someone else read it to you.

This is a sitcom. As such I would assume that there will be advertisements. You need to write, taking those pauses into consideration. Before each break there should be some little something that makes us want to wait for the program to start again.

This screenplay is 25 pages, so we can estimate 25 minutes run time. That isn't very long to grab someone, and, to be very honest, this was flat. There are moments that could be funny, but the over all flow just didn't grab me. Starting from where he sees the little old lady in the car to where he escapes the funeral home, that could be very funny. And remember, humor is a very subjective thing. Maybe I just don't get it. No matter how "good" it is, not everyone will think its funny.
 
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I agree with Murdock, there are areas that have got comedy potential - but don't underestimate the importance of spelling and punctuation - I understand this might be a draft?

I'm not trying to be unfair, but there is no excuse for consistently using defiantly instead of definitely or using Hurst instead of Hearse, when its so critical to your story.

You've obviously put a heck of alot of effort into it - and I'm sure with a few pointers from others you'll be well on your way man :)
 
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I agree with the above notes on spelling and punctuation, it is important, although I have seen a lot worse than this. Spend a bit of time fixing it, it'll be okay.

As far as comedy goes, I'm hard to please, and to be perfectly honest, this doesn't do it for me. Some of it could be funny, such as the guy listening to "Celebration" while the old lady watches from the Hearse, but that would depend on timing and delivery. Same as the line "It's pretty cold outside", it's a good line, but would need to be played correctly.


Murdock said:
...You need to write, taking those pauses into consideration. Before each break there should be some little something that makes us want to wait for the program to start again...
Click to expand...

I'd be inclined to say that this is true about every change of scene. The first scene, he leaves the house, grabs his coat, says "Thanks, mum." and that's it. To me, it's just not funny. Every scene should end with something funny, not to make us come back after the commercials, just to keep us watching the whole way through.

What other shows would you compare this to? How does it play out in your head? The style and level of comedy seems to be a family comedy, perhaps like "My Family", but the swearing and subject matter (people playing with corpses would be considered very 'black comedy') make it seem as though you're trying to go more adult. It just doesn't quite work for me.

Like I said though, I'm hard to please when it comes to comedy. Honestly, this doesn't quite tickle me. But it certainly is a good start and with a bit of tweaking I'm sure you could make this into something really good.
 
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Thanks for the feedback, exactly what i needed to hear.

I've never been good with comedy, always found it hard to get exactly what i have envisioned into words, as mad hatter mentioned, timing if very important in comedy.

Even when writing this comedy/horror web series, i keep finding me self falling more towards straight horror.

With this and past scripts I haven't really planned anything, just had an idea, sat down and started writing.
I then usually leave it a few weeks and go back a read and i find my self cringing at a lot of it and re-writing. (I now spend a lot of time planning my scripts)

I hadn't actually read through this one, which in hindsight i should have probably done a re-write before posting it here, although thats no excuse for some of the terrible spelling errors that have been pointed out, don't know what happened there.

Not really sure what other shows I would compare it too, didn't really have any in mind when i wrote it. Definitely intended it to be slightly darker, but not as dark as something like A League of gentlemen.

Really not a massive fan of My Family, so if thats the kind of comedy it was coming across as, then I really need to get a very thorough re-write done.
 
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lewis_somer said:
Really not a massive fan of My Family, so if thats the kind of comedy it was coming across as, then I really need to get a very thorough re-write done.
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Funny this was picked up on by MH, I found myself reading a lot of Johns early lines in the voice of Nick from My Family - although I was thinking of the character he played in Love Actually!!

Hey, thats not a bad thing at all, it was/is? a damn successful show - and he made it! I think you could really make John a likeable character, by playing on his cleverly innocent but sarcastic sense of humour!

I think the only reason your spelling has been pointed out is because you've done the hard work - you owe it to yourself to get the easy part done, or at least pass it to someone to proof read. I find it hard to get into the rhythm of a script if theirs too many inconsistencies, but hell we all have off days!!

All the best man!
 
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I may have been a little harsh on My Family before.

I actually liked the first 2 or 3 series, mainly because of the Nick character. Just the rest of the show
and the later series never really appealed to me.

So pleased that there are some similarities to that character.
 
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There's a definite "homely" and familiar feel to your characters. They develop well. It's not a task to relate, I feel as though I could bump into these guys in a coffee shop. That's a beautiful accomplishment.

However, the dialogue at times has become a little "expository".

A "disinterested" Sarah seems contempt with answering in full sentences. Only until the close of the conversation (Thereafter the reply of a short and sarcastic "Can't wait") does she really appear to be "disinterested".

John refers to Sarah by her name, in an overfriendly tone, when asking for the paper. Again, not an accordingly appropriate response to a disinterested companion.

The throw-back between the pair in the first scene regarding their professions I believe, is unecessary. SHOW, don't tell.

Perhaps rework that section of dialogue regarding their jobs/unemployment. It seems forced. Make it natural. The characters are natural, I got that feel after a page. But the folks I know, and I imagine they have been friends for a while, would not pursue a conversation with such strict, and informative -at the benefit of the audience, and not the characters/story-dialogue.

An example of your characters telling us the story.

JOHN
Got no response for that one?

SARAH
I just stopped caring

Both of these could be accomplished in two/three expressions. The emotion need not be spoken of.

Never allow your characters to become Narrators for your story. Everytime I hear/read expository dialogue, I imagine the characters holding huge bull-horns, screaming from the page. Listen to people having real conversations. Listen to the flow, and the give and take. There's a definitive chorus that flows through each conversation. Thousands of determining and contributng factors that must be recognised and understood to accomplish natural dialogue.

Page 5

INT. CAR - ???? (Clarification of day/night is still necessary)

Immediately, your "Action" is too vast. It needs to bite. Short, informative bursts. Try as you will to conform to the "3-4 line rule". It's all about pacing.

Remember that, as I'm reading this, I need to MOVE with your character/scene. If the action is too vast. We're static. We've paused. The pacing - especially within a comedy- has to punch, and, if possible, conform to the "1 minute per page rule".

Avoid using words ending in "ing". We're in the present. We have to live that moment with your character. It needs to happen as we're reading it.

I'm noticing a lack of description upon the locations. Each action begins with Johns actions. This falls within what I stated above about pacing, and quick, informative action. Give us something to go from. Where are we? We know it's a funeral home, but what can you give us, what can you say in one sentence, in a few words, that will transport us to this place with your character?


INT. FUNERAL HOME - LATE AFTERNOON

Long, barren hallways. Sinister portraits adorn the walls. The bitter stink of bleach.

Give us something to imagine. Not everybody has been to a funeral home.

Reading a few of the replies, I see this is yet to be revised. I won't comment on the spelling mistakes, you'll stamp them out. We all do it.

I'm currently 7 pages in. I'll try to come back to read further, but I've got a busy couple days ahead.

I'm always welcome to helping out when I can. If you've got any queries, PM me.

Best of luck!
 
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You've gotten some great feedback. For my part, it starts too slowly. I know it sounds so pedestrian but your characters have to start off being interesting. John and Sarah are dull. You need to make him have more interest in this job from the start. I was unclear what her relation was to him--mother? girlfriend? platonic flatmate?

The zombie game starts becoming choppy. It was unclear how all of that would be accomplished, especially with only one guy. And then there was an active funeral and the old woman wasn't in the casket? It seemed to have continuity issues. These seemingly bounce from scene to scene and the whole falls apart. The whole part in the funeral home seemed disjoint.

PTP gave you some excellent technical points. Pacing is key to drama and comedy. It's okay to have a dark comedy but it has to have an engaging start and plot continuity. While I think the idea is reminiscent of "Six Feet Under", it could work with some re-writing.
 
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