Im in the process of writing my first screenplay, i know what my conflict is and the concept of the whole script. Im just having one major problem. The first 10 pages. I know i want to start with my main charcter unconcious on a path, but im not sure how to lead on from there. One obvious example would be going to the hospital but i want my character to be stubborn. Any ideas on how i cold get from him on the path?
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Screenwriting troubles
- Thread starter Crazings
- Start date
I'm a little confused.. you want your character to be on a path unconscious, but the screenplay doesn't start with him unconscious on a path? so you need him to get to the path first before he becomes unconscious? is this through being ill or..??
If you.. because you want your character to be stubborn then maybe he should be forcing himself to go to work? or something on the route through this path?
I must sound like an idiot if i misunderstood lol
If you.. because you want your character to be stubborn then maybe he should be forcing himself to go to work? or something on the route through this path?
I must sound like an idiot if i misunderstood lol
I may have misworded it,
I want to start to have an intresting opening with maybe a bit of action.
I have two ideas to start the screenplay, a) with the main character being chased or b) the main character unconcious on the floor. What im stuck is how to get to my next scene after he has been attacked by a blow to the head
Im wondering how to take the character to the next scene and keep the plot running smoothly from there
I want to start to have an intresting opening with maybe a bit of action.
I have two ideas to start the screenplay, a) with the main character being chased or b) the main character unconcious on the floor. What im stuck is how to get to my next scene after he has been attacked by a blow to the head
Im wondering how to take the character to the next scene and keep the plot running smoothly from there
oh i understand now! sorry lol
Okay.. well there's lots of thing you could do,
maybe you can do A&B, you don't exactly have to show him being struck on the head. A shot of him being chased, Then him waking up on the path with excessive dried blood on the side of his head.. this is the first thing that came into my head.
What do you have in mind for the next scene?
i doubt i'm being much help
Okay.. well there's lots of thing you could do,
maybe you can do A&B, you don't exactly have to show him being struck on the head. A shot of him being chased, Then him waking up on the path with excessive dried blood on the side of his head.. this is the first thing that came into my head.
What do you have in mind for the next scene?
i doubt i'm being much help
Before I could offer much advice, I'd need to know:
1) Who is your main character? Why is he/she being chased? What is it he/she was attempting to do?
2) Who is the person that chased them or knocked them unconscious? Why is this person chasing the main character? What does this person want from him/her?
cheers!
-Charles
1) Who is your main character? Why is he/she being chased? What is it he/she was attempting to do?
2) Who is the person that chased them or knocked them unconscious? Why is this person chasing the main character? What does this person want from him/her?
cheers!
-Charles
This is were i am stuck, he suffers memory loss due to the blow to the head. This is my biggest problem that is stopping me from getting into the story. Im stumped on how he would take this problem at first maybe an optmistic approach but ive just no ideda how to present it
The main charcacter is called Lewis, he is on his way home when he turns a corner when he notices he is being followed.
The person chasing the main charcter is after revenge for somthing that he belives Lewis has done, they want him dead for the deed he belives he has commited
You need to develop character and plot before I can give you much advice.
Someone gets hit on the head is not enough to build a second scene upon. Character and motivation come first, and then you'll find the path to a conflict which rises as the story builds.
Who are these characters? What do they want? Why do they want it? How do they go about getting it? What stops them? What are the consequences?
You should know the answers to these questions hands down before you write "Fade In."
Cheers!
-Charles
Someone gets hit on the head is not enough to build a second scene upon. Character and motivation come first, and then you'll find the path to a conflict which rises as the story builds.
Who are these characters? What do they want? Why do they want it? How do they go about getting it? What stops them? What are the consequences?
You should know the answers to these questions hands down before you write "Fade In."
Cheers!
-Charles
That's a little better.
But you need context. Where did this happen? Is it a busy city street? A lonely country lane? Are there cars driving by? Are there pedestrians? Who would miss him if he didn't show up?
It happenend at night, on a path that is out of view to roads and there are houses on the other side of the trees across a road. A car or two may drive by but are oblivous to what is happening on the path. He lives alone, his mum is always away on buisness. He has never met his Dad or no idea who it is. His mates would miss him, he had a girlfriend they broke up and a day later she is reported missing. He is good at coping on his own but this situation were he will lose certain memories will change him completly. He refuses to go to a hospital after the incident even with the pressure of his mates. There is a girl who finds him, holds his hand then walks away. The path is barely used at night
You've said that it's the first 10 pages that are causing you the problem. Does that then mean that you know what happens from page eleven onwards? If so, you know your character wakes up on the floor, you then know what happens to him. You just need to fill in the blanks. And don't be afraid to allow that part to be shorter (or longer) if necessary.
If you'd let us know what happens from page eleven onwards, I'm sure we could brainstorm some ideas for the next scene or two!
If you'd let us know what happens from page eleven onwards, I'm sure we could brainstorm some ideas for the next scene or two!
So someone finds him unconscious on a path, holds his hand, then walks away? Nobody willing to help this poor guy? Incidentally, how can he refuse to go to a hospital if he's unconscious?
As for a scene (this is in outline, not in screenplay format), perhaps first use an establishing shot - rural area with scant housing.
Closer on a dirt path among the trees.
Something on the path. A body?
Closer to reveal a man lying in what appears to be a pool of his own blood.
Close-up on his face. Out cold.
Pull back, a jogger? Or a dog licking his face. Owner of dog finds him, calls 9-1-1 from his cell phone.
Ambulance arrives.
CUT TO: Hospital bed.
That what you're looking for?
As for a scene (this is in outline, not in screenplay format), perhaps first use an establishing shot - rural area with scant housing.
Closer on a dirt path among the trees.
Something on the path. A body?
Closer to reveal a man lying in what appears to be a pool of his own blood.
Close-up on his face. Out cold.
Pull back, a jogger? Or a dog licking his face. Owner of dog finds him, calls 9-1-1 from his cell phone.
Ambulance arrives.
CUT TO: Hospital bed.
That what you're looking for?
I have started to get somewere with my script, here is what i have wrote with the help from you guys. Let me know what you think
fade in
EXT. street - night
Lewis is walking along a path lit dimly with street lamps talking on the phone
Lewis
Look I'm telling you, i haven't seen or heard from her since Saturday.
Matt (os)
I know man i believe you, its just rumors are starting to spread
Lewis stops under a tree
The sound of someone running is heard in the background
Lewis
Yeah and we all know who that is...
The footsteps get louder, Lewis turns around to see who is making the noise. A hooded figure rugby tackles him to the floor, his phone drops to the floor.
Lewis slowly gets up while the hooded figure is on the floor.
MATT(OS)
(angry)
Lewis just fucking speak to me
Lewis bends down to pick up his phone, he stands up and the figure is getting up. Lewis panics, drops the phone and starts to run
ext. path next to under path - night
Lewis runs down the hill, he slips at the bottom of the hill losing balance quickly but regaining it easily.
ext. under path - night
Lewis runs through the under path with his footsteps echoing
EXT. PATH hill - night
As he starts running up the hill, the figures footsteps can be heard echoing. He passes a set of metal bars still running he dares to turn his head, he turns his head and as soon as his head is turned he trips up and falls to the floor.
He tries to pull himself, he gets arms length of the ground
THUD
Lewis falls to the floor
fade out
fade in
EXT. PATH HILL - day
Lewis is lying in a small puddle of dried blood, there is a half a brick with a blood stain on it on the grass above him and next to him is his phone smashed and broken
Lucy is standing close by watching him, she looks horrified by the site of Lewis on the path. She is walking back, hoping he will wake and as she is about to turn away she see's his hand move. She runs to him and holds his hand and puts her mouth to his ear
LUCY
(whispering)
Lewis... Lewis... Wake up.
Lewis eyes open and he sits up bolt right breathing healthy
He looks into Lucy's eyes with confusion
Lucy looks straight into his
Lewis
Who... Who are you
A tear enters Lucy's eye
Lewis
(angrily)
HOW THE FUCK DID I GET HERE!
She breaks the connection gets up and runs away
Lewis stands up, he feels the dried blood on his head and in the back of his hair. He looks scared and starts running down the hill
fade in
EXT. street - night
Lewis is walking along a path lit dimly with street lamps talking on the phone
Lewis
Look I'm telling you, i haven't seen or heard from her since Saturday.
Matt (os)
I know man i believe you, its just rumors are starting to spread
Lewis stops under a tree
The sound of someone running is heard in the background
Lewis
Yeah and we all know who that is...
The footsteps get louder, Lewis turns around to see who is making the noise. A hooded figure rugby tackles him to the floor, his phone drops to the floor.
Lewis slowly gets up while the hooded figure is on the floor.
MATT(OS)
(angry)
Lewis just fucking speak to me
Lewis bends down to pick up his phone, he stands up and the figure is getting up. Lewis panics, drops the phone and starts to run
ext. path next to under path - night
Lewis runs down the hill, he slips at the bottom of the hill losing balance quickly but regaining it easily.
ext. under path - night
Lewis runs through the under path with his footsteps echoing
EXT. PATH hill - night
As he starts running up the hill, the figures footsteps can be heard echoing. He passes a set of metal bars still running he dares to turn his head, he turns his head and as soon as his head is turned he trips up and falls to the floor.
He tries to pull himself, he gets arms length of the ground
THUD
Lewis falls to the floor
fade out
fade in
EXT. PATH HILL - day
Lewis is lying in a small puddle of dried blood, there is a half a brick with a blood stain on it on the grass above him and next to him is his phone smashed and broken
Lucy is standing close by watching him, she looks horrified by the site of Lewis on the path. She is walking back, hoping he will wake and as she is about to turn away she see's his hand move. She runs to him and holds his hand and puts her mouth to his ear
LUCY
(whispering)
Lewis... Lewis... Wake up.
Lewis eyes open and he sits up bolt right breathing healthy
He looks into Lucy's eyes with confusion
Lucy looks straight into his
Lewis
Who... Who are you
A tear enters Lucy's eye
Lewis
(angrily)
HOW THE FUCK DID I GET HERE!
She breaks the connection gets up and runs away
Lewis stands up, he feels the dried blood on his head and in the back of his hair. He looks scared and starts running down the hill
Hmmm.... You sure he'd be jumping up and running much after getting knocked unconscious by a brick? Isn't it more plausible that he'd be dizzy, nauseous, disoriented, possibly stumbling and falling flat on his face again? Just curious. It's your story, so just thinking out loud here.
And I think you meant to say "heavily" instead of "healthy" in reference to his breathing.
And I think you meant to say "heavily" instead of "healthy" in reference to his breathing.
I've "color coded" my observations, kind of like a highlighter.
I liked the way you used the suggestions to set up the initial sequence. The second part of his waking up, though, leaves me scratching my head. "Oh my God! Lewis! Lucy is obviously important later but why did she appear out of nowhere? If she were coming out of her apartment/house/wherever and she found him--she would be surprised and concerned. I doubt that she would think of walking away if she knows him. If he was placed there so she would find him, she might be shocked and leave as other pedestrians started to swarm around him. I doubt, in that case, she would show as much concern as you indicate in the scene. Having Lucy see him, run to see if he's alive and then leave before he awakens and recognizes her is much more suspenseful. Now the audience is introduced to her peripherally and they sense an urgency/conflict exists around them.
Unconscious to bolt upright doesn't really work. In closed head injuries (concussions, strokes, etc.), movement is normally sluggish. He would probably also have a severe
headache and sensitivity to light. So you may want to re-examine his actions. He's not going to just jump up and run off.
"Who are you and how did I get here?" There are lots of types of amnesia. As a writer, we often get to stretch the truth unless you are writing a realistic medical/psychological thriller. Retrograde amnesia you forget things before the event. Traumatic/Postconcussional amnesia usually only affects the actual incident itself. If Lewis knew Lucy prior to the blow to the head, he will likely still know her. Saying "How did I get here?" implies (1) he knows he was someplace else and (2) he recognizes where he is. Both argue against amnesia. It would probably be better to say "Where am I?" or "What am I doing here?". Alot of suspense heroes are thrust into situations of unraveling clues without resorting to amnesia.
Realistically, if someone wants you dead and you're unconscious in an out of the way place like an underpass, you're toast. So either there is a reason for keeping him alive or someone interrupted the assailant before the job could be finished. Also, wasn't he moved to the path from the underpass? Why also move the brick?
I like the idea of starting a story with some kind of action that ties back in later. I think you've done a good job. Just be sure the details match up with the later plot dynamics (like the brick). I was not convinced reading it that he was amnesiac or even dazed. If it's critical to the storyline, you need to find a way to make that clear. If it's not truly essential, just have him unravel the clues with his memory intact.
Thanks for the feedback, you have opened my eyes more. So i was going to use the amneisa as main plot but i have a question, is it possible to have tempoary amenisa of Lewis losing most the memory from that day? As i was thinking of possibly using dreams to constaly regain his memory, or would i be better of with him finding clues that help him remeber that day instead?
If you want to continue with lost memory for a single day, I would make it more traumatic. You see him speeding away on a motorcyle from someone who's chasing him. He turns around to see a car. He hits it and is sent sprawling into the bushes. Maybe a homeless person finds him and takes him back to an alley and takes his wallet. When he recovers, he's sore but dazed. He's wandering about in the streets. One of his friends, Lucy, happens to find him and takes him back to her apartment. Big trauma could lead to the loss of an entire day. At least, a little more plausibly.