Seems I have read this before and commented on the EXCESSIVE (and pointless) dialogue.
Yeah, I remember that as well, but I cannot find the thread.
Elrod, there's way too much here. I made it 25 pages in, and that was 20 pages past where I got bored.
25 pages, and I haven't learned much of anything because we're still stuck on one conversation. Whether it's Jerome talking to Shanice, or to Mr. Corbett, or to his coworkers, we're still stuck on Jerome needing the raise because of his plans with Shanice and Alex being a sniveling kiss-ass. There's been no real character development at this point, and we'd be almost a half-hour into the film.
The other thing to try and siphon out is on-the-nose dialog. There's way too much of it here. For example:
JEROME
I see that you got up early, before the alarm.
At this point, the viewer has already seen that he woke up alone and turned off the alarm. The viewer is also aware that she's been up for a while because she's in the middle of cooking breakfast. He knows she was up before the alarm, and she does as well, so there's no need to force that into the dialog. Try this (with some excitement for seeing a hot breakfast in the works):
JEROME
Looks like somebody was up early!
Or, even simpler:
JEROME
Up early?
SHANICE
Yeah. Couldn't sleep.
Here's another one:
JEROME
I'm just hoping to get that raise from work.
Yes. From work. Not sure where else he would be getting a raise.
And another:
JEROME
Thanks. And it would work good in preparing for our first.
Saving for the nine months so we can be financially stable.
The viewer can figure that out quickly. They want to have a child. A big raise at work would help, and getting it soon means they can save up. You don't have to spoon-feed the viewer on that. Of course, these lines are part of an excruciatingly-long scene that needs to be slashed down to a couple of pages.
This needs a MAJOR rewrite.
Yes.
In music, songwriters often refer to this as "killing your baby". Morbid term, but it's pretty accurate. The challenge is taking an objective stance on something that's already the result of time and hard work. You made it. You're proud of it. You think it's the most incredible thing ever. It's kind of a blind love, and that blindness covers up the places that need lots of work.
But try to step outside of yourself and ask which parts aren't necessary. Which parts could be better-communicated with less dialog and more action blocking? And with each line, ask yourself: "Do I resist cutting this piece of dialog because it's absolutely necessary here, or am I simply too attached to it because it's something I wrote?" That's an important question.