This is the first few pages of a screenplay I am saving for my 2nd feature. This one is realistically stronger although will probably change James to something else as his character is a bit of a cliche.
What are your thoughts around the dialogue? As a note, I put in some scene description here because some of these elements are critical to the story
Formatting is all over the place because I'm incompetent but the original is perfectly formatted.
INT SCENE - DESCRIPTION
Chinese restaurant interior. Mei is a young, beautiful Chinese girl wearing a traditional, figure hugging dress. She is walking out of a full Chinese restaurant waving goodbye to Uncles and Aunties who happily wave back.
EXT SCENE - DESCRIPTION
She steps out on the London pavement and looks back at everyone inside, lingering just a moment longer than she should. Her fingers are pressed up against the glass and we see mixed emotions. Suddenly, she turns away and walks down the dark street and we catch a glimpse of the restaurant name - ‘The New Cultural Revolution.’
Tottering on high heels, she dips her head as she is illuminated by a car’s lights and a random stranger leers at her, mentally undressing her. She hurries and arrives at a car which she climbs inside.
INT SCENE - DESCRIPTION
Relaxing, kicking off her heels and changing into flats, she visibly relaxes. Suddenly, she catches a glimpse of a man’s eyes in the rear view mirror. A hand shoots out from the back seat, grabs her mouth and we see a brief moment of struggle.
CUT TO OPENING CREDITS
Concept: Chinese lion dance
EXT SCENE - DESCRIPTION
Tommy (a short, spiky-haired, sharp-looking Chinese dude in his late 20s) is walking down a daytime London street with his tall, caucasian friend, James. Tommy is the kind of guy you hope daughter wouldn’t come home with. He is dressed in designer clothes, looks as cool as they come and is checking out the pretty girls. James (our hero) is in complete contrast to Tommy with a military bearing, conservatively dressed and strides ahead compared to Tommy’s quick-moving pace.
TOMMY
Hey Jimmy, how does it feel to be back? I mean, you won’t get all these pretty girls around Afghanistan. You must have missed this, man.
JAMES
I had other things on my mind when I was out there.
TOMMY
Oh come on, man. Don’t give me all that queen and country, strong silent stuff. Save it for the girls. I’ve known you too long for that. And check her out, man. Jeez, I love hot, sunny days and short skirts.
JAMES
You haven’t changed a bit. Where is this place?
TOMMY
Little bit further. And why’d you go into the army, anyway? The girls were all falling over you, man. No girls in the army.
JAMES
Queen and country. Just how it was.
TOMMY
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Save it for the chicks.
JAMES
Who is this gentleman we’re meeting? He’s your Uncle?
TOMMY
Uncle Yap? He’s a Chinese uncle meaning he’s not actually an uncle. It’s just a term of respect.
JAMES
Sure, just remind me why we’re meeting him.
TOMMY
Because it’s a payday. He’s got a job and these restaurant guys, they pay well. And it’s a good chance to hang out, see you again, man. It’s been too long.
JAMES
That it has. Nothing underhand this Mr Yap guy, is it?
TOMMY
Who knows, man? Look, all these Chinese guys, they don’t like going to the police for stuff so they need some help in the community. And most of the time, it’s nothing at all. It’s just they want it handled by, you know, without the authorities. So just meet him, eat, drink, chill and let’s see what he’s got.
Here we go. This is the place.
INT SCENE
Tommy and James have entered into a fashionable, Chinese restaurant. A waiter wearing a Chairman Mao hat and fashionable looking clothes greets them.
TOMMY
We’re here to see Uncle Yap.
WAITER
OK. Who you?
TOMMY
I’m Tommy
WAITER
OK. What your Chinese name?
TOMMY
It’s Tommy, just Tommy. He’s expecting us.
WAITER
Oh yes, he say something. Come in. Follow.
INT SCENE - DESCRIPTION
Tommy and James follow the waiter through the restaurant. They pass through the kitchen with shouting chefs, hissing woks and flames shooting out of giant stoves and move into a quiet, back room. A middle-aged Chinese man in a disheveled suit is smoking a cigarette around a round, table laid out with chopsticks. When he speaks, it is with a heavy Chinese accent.
Mr YAP
Tommy, come in, come in. This is your friend, yes?
TOMMY
Hello Uncle Yap, this is James, my best friend. We’ve known each other since we were kids and I trust him. He’s like a brother to me.
JAMES
Pleased to meet you.
Mr YAP
Come in, come in, sit down. We have something to eat. [Talks in Cantonese to the waiter who starts to bring lots of Chinese dishes and tea. The table is heaving.]
Mr YAP
Please, eat. All good.
TOMMY
Looks great. Better than all that military cans of corned beef and rations innit?
JAMES
Something like that. Looks amazing.
Mr YAP
Just my humble offering.
DIRECTION: They eat and talk for a while. When the food is mostly finished, the waiters clear the table.
Mr YAP
So Tommy, I trust you. Many people say good things about you. How you help them.
TOMMY
Thank you. I’m glad to hear it. I like to do my best.
Mr YAP
I have problem. Can you help?
TOMMY
Sure, depends on the problem but if you tell me I’d be happy to help.
Mr YAP
A few people, they say you help them with troubles. And you get results. And you don’t talk about it.
TOMMY
I like to be discreet. It’s important.
Mr YAP
I trust you. Other people say you help with big problem. And I have big problem. My daughter she go missing. I need to find her. She my only child. You help find her?
TOMMY
Lih-Wa’s gone missing? Little Lih-Wa? I haven’t seen her for years. I’m sorry…
Mr YAP
I need you to find her as soon as possible. She my only daughter.
TOMMY
I understand. I remember her.
JAMES
Sorry, and have you reported this to the police?
[DIRECTION: Tommy shoots James a glance]
Mr YAP
No, no, no, no, no. No police. That is not how we do things in Chinese community. We look after ourselves. We are one, big family. Tommy here, he help me.
TOMMY
It’s not what we do.
JAMES
Sorry, yes, I was just clarifying that’s all.
TOMMY
Yeah, just checking.
DIRECTION: Mr Yap takes a brown envelope stuffed with money and throws it onto the table. Everyone looks at it.
Mr YAP
Tell me. You were in the army, is that right?
JAMES
Yes, yes I was.
Mr YAP
So you fit. Strong. Discipline. You know how to fight.
JAMES
Yes, but…
Mr YAP
Tommy, I think it good idea you bring friend. He army, yes? Very good. He could help. This your expenses to find her. You find her fast?
TOMMY
Yes, no problem at all. You can trust me.
Mr YAP
Good. Everyone say I can trust you. You find her, bring her here. She my only daughter. You and your friend, you get more when you bring her back.
TOMMY
You can count on me.
DIRECTION: Tommy picks up the bundle of money which is significant. The camera pans away and tracks back out of the room and they are talking a little more. Outside the room, in the corridor, one of the waiters is listening in. He pulls out a phone, dials a number and goes into a corner to talk discreetly.
WAITER
[Starts in Cantonese.] Hey, it’s me, Gui. Damnit, Gweilo you don’t speak Cantonese. [Switches to heavily accented English.] Listen, listen. You said if I saw anything with Mr Yap, I call you. Well I saw something. How much it worth?
INT SCENE
Tommy and James are in a café. They sit down next to a couple of attractive women (Tommy naturally picked the seat).
JAMES
That’s a lot of money, Tommy. So what’s the plan? Can we find this girl?
TOMMY
First, we’re going to drink some coffee then we’re going to find her, no problem.
JAMES
What do you mean by no problem? She could be anywhere.
TOMMY
Relax, it’s an adventure. Look, most of the time, these girls are easy to find.
JAMES
What are your thoughts around the dialogue? As a note, I put in some scene description here because some of these elements are critical to the story
Formatting is all over the place because I'm incompetent but the original is perfectly formatted.
INT SCENE - DESCRIPTION
Chinese restaurant interior. Mei is a young, beautiful Chinese girl wearing a traditional, figure hugging dress. She is walking out of a full Chinese restaurant waving goodbye to Uncles and Aunties who happily wave back.
EXT SCENE - DESCRIPTION
She steps out on the London pavement and looks back at everyone inside, lingering just a moment longer than she should. Her fingers are pressed up against the glass and we see mixed emotions. Suddenly, she turns away and walks down the dark street and we catch a glimpse of the restaurant name - ‘The New Cultural Revolution.’
Tottering on high heels, she dips her head as she is illuminated by a car’s lights and a random stranger leers at her, mentally undressing her. She hurries and arrives at a car which she climbs inside.
INT SCENE - DESCRIPTION
Relaxing, kicking off her heels and changing into flats, she visibly relaxes. Suddenly, she catches a glimpse of a man’s eyes in the rear view mirror. A hand shoots out from the back seat, grabs her mouth and we see a brief moment of struggle.
CUT TO OPENING CREDITS
Concept: Chinese lion dance
EXT SCENE - DESCRIPTION
Tommy (a short, spiky-haired, sharp-looking Chinese dude in his late 20s) is walking down a daytime London street with his tall, caucasian friend, James. Tommy is the kind of guy you hope daughter wouldn’t come home with. He is dressed in designer clothes, looks as cool as they come and is checking out the pretty girls. James (our hero) is in complete contrast to Tommy with a military bearing, conservatively dressed and strides ahead compared to Tommy’s quick-moving pace.
TOMMY
Hey Jimmy, how does it feel to be back? I mean, you won’t get all these pretty girls around Afghanistan. You must have missed this, man.
JAMES
I had other things on my mind when I was out there.
TOMMY
Oh come on, man. Don’t give me all that queen and country, strong silent stuff. Save it for the girls. I’ve known you too long for that. And check her out, man. Jeez, I love hot, sunny days and short skirts.
JAMES
You haven’t changed a bit. Where is this place?
TOMMY
Little bit further. And why’d you go into the army, anyway? The girls were all falling over you, man. No girls in the army.
JAMES
Queen and country. Just how it was.
TOMMY
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Save it for the chicks.
JAMES
Who is this gentleman we’re meeting? He’s your Uncle?
TOMMY
Uncle Yap? He’s a Chinese uncle meaning he’s not actually an uncle. It’s just a term of respect.
JAMES
Sure, just remind me why we’re meeting him.
TOMMY
Because it’s a payday. He’s got a job and these restaurant guys, they pay well. And it’s a good chance to hang out, see you again, man. It’s been too long.
JAMES
That it has. Nothing underhand this Mr Yap guy, is it?
TOMMY
Who knows, man? Look, all these Chinese guys, they don’t like going to the police for stuff so they need some help in the community. And most of the time, it’s nothing at all. It’s just they want it handled by, you know, without the authorities. So just meet him, eat, drink, chill and let’s see what he’s got.
Here we go. This is the place.
INT SCENE
Tommy and James have entered into a fashionable, Chinese restaurant. A waiter wearing a Chairman Mao hat and fashionable looking clothes greets them.
TOMMY
We’re here to see Uncle Yap.
WAITER
OK. Who you?
TOMMY
I’m Tommy
WAITER
OK. What your Chinese name?
TOMMY
It’s Tommy, just Tommy. He’s expecting us.
WAITER
Oh yes, he say something. Come in. Follow.
INT SCENE - DESCRIPTION
Tommy and James follow the waiter through the restaurant. They pass through the kitchen with shouting chefs, hissing woks and flames shooting out of giant stoves and move into a quiet, back room. A middle-aged Chinese man in a disheveled suit is smoking a cigarette around a round, table laid out with chopsticks. When he speaks, it is with a heavy Chinese accent.
Mr YAP
Tommy, come in, come in. This is your friend, yes?
TOMMY
Hello Uncle Yap, this is James, my best friend. We’ve known each other since we were kids and I trust him. He’s like a brother to me.
JAMES
Pleased to meet you.
Mr YAP
Come in, come in, sit down. We have something to eat. [Talks in Cantonese to the waiter who starts to bring lots of Chinese dishes and tea. The table is heaving.]
Mr YAP
Please, eat. All good.
TOMMY
Looks great. Better than all that military cans of corned beef and rations innit?
JAMES
Something like that. Looks amazing.
Mr YAP
Just my humble offering.
DIRECTION: They eat and talk for a while. When the food is mostly finished, the waiters clear the table.
Mr YAP
So Tommy, I trust you. Many people say good things about you. How you help them.
TOMMY
Thank you. I’m glad to hear it. I like to do my best.
Mr YAP
I have problem. Can you help?
TOMMY
Sure, depends on the problem but if you tell me I’d be happy to help.
Mr YAP
A few people, they say you help them with troubles. And you get results. And you don’t talk about it.
TOMMY
I like to be discreet. It’s important.
Mr YAP
I trust you. Other people say you help with big problem. And I have big problem. My daughter she go missing. I need to find her. She my only child. You help find her?
TOMMY
Lih-Wa’s gone missing? Little Lih-Wa? I haven’t seen her for years. I’m sorry…
Mr YAP
I need you to find her as soon as possible. She my only daughter.
TOMMY
I understand. I remember her.
JAMES
Sorry, and have you reported this to the police?
[DIRECTION: Tommy shoots James a glance]
Mr YAP
No, no, no, no, no. No police. That is not how we do things in Chinese community. We look after ourselves. We are one, big family. Tommy here, he help me.
TOMMY
It’s not what we do.
JAMES
Sorry, yes, I was just clarifying that’s all.
TOMMY
Yeah, just checking.
DIRECTION: Mr Yap takes a brown envelope stuffed with money and throws it onto the table. Everyone looks at it.
Mr YAP
Tell me. You were in the army, is that right?
JAMES
Yes, yes I was.
Mr YAP
So you fit. Strong. Discipline. You know how to fight.
JAMES
Yes, but…
Mr YAP
Tommy, I think it good idea you bring friend. He army, yes? Very good. He could help. This your expenses to find her. You find her fast?
TOMMY
Yes, no problem at all. You can trust me.
Mr YAP
Good. Everyone say I can trust you. You find her, bring her here. She my only daughter. You and your friend, you get more when you bring her back.
TOMMY
You can count on me.
DIRECTION: Tommy picks up the bundle of money which is significant. The camera pans away and tracks back out of the room and they are talking a little more. Outside the room, in the corridor, one of the waiters is listening in. He pulls out a phone, dials a number and goes into a corner to talk discreetly.
WAITER
[Starts in Cantonese.] Hey, it’s me, Gui. Damnit, Gweilo you don’t speak Cantonese. [Switches to heavily accented English.] Listen, listen. You said if I saw anything with Mr Yap, I call you. Well I saw something. How much it worth?
INT SCENE
Tommy and James are in a café. They sit down next to a couple of attractive women (Tommy naturally picked the seat).
JAMES
That’s a lot of money, Tommy. So what’s the plan? Can we find this girl?
TOMMY
First, we’re going to drink some coffee then we’re going to find her, no problem.
JAMES
What do you mean by no problem? She could be anywhere.
TOMMY
Relax, it’s an adventure. Look, most of the time, these girls are easy to find.
JAMES