Screenplay no 2

[gorillaonabike]

This is the first few pages of a screenplay I am saving for my 2nd feature. This one is realistically stronger although will probably change James to something else as his character is a bit of a cliche.

What are your thoughts around the dialogue? As a note, I put in some scene description here because some of these elements are critical to the story

Formatting is all over the place because I'm incompetent but the original is perfectly formatted.



INT SCENE - DESCRIPTION
Chinese restaurant interior. Mei is a young, beautiful Chinese girl wearing a traditional, figure hugging dress. She is walking out of a full Chinese restaurant waving goodbye to Uncles and Aunties who happily wave back.

EXT SCENE - DESCRIPTION

She steps out on the London pavement and looks back at everyone inside, lingering just a moment longer than she should. Her fingers are pressed up against the glass and we see mixed emotions. Suddenly, she turns away and walks down the dark street and we catch a glimpse of the restaurant name - ‘The New Cultural Revolution.’

Tottering on high heels, she dips her head as she is illuminated by a car’s lights and a random stranger leers at her, mentally undressing her. She hurries and arrives at a car which she climbs inside.

INT SCENE - DESCRIPTION

Relaxing, kicking off her heels and changing into flats, she visibly relaxes. Suddenly, she catches a glimpse of a man’s eyes in the rear view mirror. A hand shoots out from the back seat, grabs her mouth and we see a brief moment of struggle.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS
Concept: Chinese lion dance

EXT SCENE - DESCRIPTION
Tommy (a short, spiky-haired, sharp-looking Chinese dude in his late 20s) is walking down a daytime London street with his tall, caucasian friend, James. Tommy is the kind of guy you hope daughter wouldn’t come home with. He is dressed in designer clothes, looks as cool as they come and is checking out the pretty girls. James (our hero) is in complete contrast to Tommy with a military bearing, conservatively dressed and strides ahead compared to Tommy’s quick-moving pace.




TOMMY
Hey Jimmy, how does it feel to be back? I mean, you won’t get all these pretty girls around Afghanistan. You must have missed this, man.

JAMES
I had other things on my mind when I was out there.

TOMMY
Oh come on, man. Don’t give me all that queen and country, strong silent stuff. Save it for the girls. I’ve known you too long for that. And check her out, man. Jeez, I love hot, sunny days and short skirts.

JAMES
You haven’t changed a bit. Where is this place?

TOMMY
Little bit further. And why’d you go into the army, anyway? The girls were all falling over you, man. No girls in the army.

JAMES
Queen and country. Just how it was.

TOMMY
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Save it for the chicks.

JAMES
Who is this gentleman we’re meeting? He’s your Uncle?

TOMMY
Uncle Yap? He’s a Chinese uncle meaning he’s not actually an uncle. It’s just a term of respect.

JAMES
Sure, just remind me why we’re meeting him.

TOMMY
Because it’s a payday. He’s got a job and these restaurant guys, they pay well. And it’s a good chance to hang out, see you again, man. It’s been too long.

JAMES
That it has. Nothing underhand this Mr Yap guy, is it?

TOMMY
Who knows, man? Look, all these Chinese guys, they don’t like going to the police for stuff so they need some help in the community. And most of the time, it’s nothing at all. It’s just they want it handled by, you know, without the authorities. So just meet him, eat, drink, chill and let’s see what he’s got.

Here we go. This is the place.

INT SCENE
Tommy and James have entered into a fashionable, Chinese restaurant. A waiter wearing a Chairman Mao hat and fashionable looking clothes greets them.

TOMMY
We’re here to see Uncle Yap.

WAITER
OK. Who you?

TOMMY
I’m Tommy

WAITER
OK. What your Chinese name?

TOMMY
It’s Tommy, just Tommy. He’s expecting us.

WAITER
Oh yes, he say something. Come in. Follow.



INT SCENE - DESCRIPTION
Tommy and James follow the waiter through the restaurant. They pass through the kitchen with shouting chefs, hissing woks and flames shooting out of giant stoves and move into a quiet, back room. A middle-aged Chinese man in a disheveled suit is smoking a cigarette around a round, table laid out with chopsticks. When he speaks, it is with a heavy Chinese accent.

Mr YAP
Tommy, come in, come in. This is your friend, yes?

TOMMY
Hello Uncle Yap, this is James, my best friend. We’ve known each other since we were kids and I trust him. He’s like a brother to me.

JAMES
Pleased to meet you.

Mr YAP
Come in, come in, sit down. We have something to eat. [Talks in Cantonese to the waiter who starts to bring lots of Chinese dishes and tea. The table is heaving.]

Mr YAP
Please, eat. All good.

TOMMY
Looks great. Better than all that military cans of corned beef and rations innit?

JAMES
Something like that. Looks amazing.

Mr YAP
Just my humble offering.


DIRECTION: They eat and talk for a while. When the food is mostly finished, the waiters clear the table.

Mr YAP
So Tommy, I trust you. Many people say good things about you. How you help them.

TOMMY
Thank you. I’m glad to hear it. I like to do my best.

Mr YAP
I have problem. Can you help?

TOMMY
Sure, depends on the problem but if you tell me I’d be happy to help.

Mr YAP
A few people, they say you help them with troubles. And you get results. And you don’t talk about it.

TOMMY
I like to be discreet. It’s important.

Mr YAP
I trust you. Other people say you help with big problem. And I have big problem. My daughter she go missing. I need to find her. She my only child. You help find her?

TOMMY
Lih-Wa’s gone missing? Little Lih-Wa? I haven’t seen her for years. I’m sorry…

Mr YAP
I need you to find her as soon as possible. She my only daughter.

TOMMY
I understand. I remember her.

JAMES
Sorry, and have you reported this to the police?

[DIRECTION: Tommy shoots James a glance]


Mr YAP
No, no, no, no, no. No police. That is not how we do things in Chinese community. We look after ourselves. We are one, big family. Tommy here, he help me.

TOMMY
It’s not what we do.

JAMES
Sorry, yes, I was just clarifying that’s all.

TOMMY
Yeah, just checking.

DIRECTION: Mr Yap takes a brown envelope stuffed with money and throws it onto the table. Everyone looks at it.

Mr YAP
Tell me. You were in the army, is that right?

JAMES
Yes, yes I was.

Mr YAP
So you fit. Strong. Discipline. You know how to fight.

JAMES
Yes, but…

Mr YAP
Tommy, I think it good idea you bring friend. He army, yes? Very good. He could help. This your expenses to find her. You find her fast?

TOMMY
Yes, no problem at all. You can trust me.

Mr YAP
Good. Everyone say I can trust you. You find her, bring her here. She my only daughter. You and your friend, you get more when you bring her back.

TOMMY
You can count on me.

DIRECTION: Tommy picks up the bundle of money which is significant. The camera pans away and tracks back out of the room and they are talking a little more. Outside the room, in the corridor, one of the waiters is listening in. He pulls out a phone, dials a number and goes into a corner to talk discreetly.

WAITER
[Starts in Cantonese.] Hey, it’s me, Gui. Damnit, Gweilo you don’t speak Cantonese. [Switches to heavily accented English.] Listen, listen. You said if I saw anything with Mr Yap, I call you. Well I saw something. How much it worth?


INT SCENE
Tommy and James are in a café. They sit down next to a couple of attractive women (Tommy naturally picked the seat).


JAMES
That’s a lot of money, Tommy. So what’s the plan? Can we find this girl?

TOMMY
First, we’re going to drink some coffee then we’re going to find her, no problem.

JAMES
What do you mean by no problem? She could be anywhere.

TOMMY
Relax, it’s an adventure. Look, most of the time, these girls are easy to find.

JAMES

 

[Wolverine237]

You should download CELTX. It is free and formats beautifully.

I like the direction of the story but you should try acting out these characters and saying your words out loud. That may help you more than my critiques could.

Happy writing friend.

 

[mad_hatter]

Gorilla - I hope this doesn't come across as insulting, as I've seen your stuff here and I know you know what you're doing, but I have to ask; have you ever read a screenplay? The fact that you have headed your ACTION lines as DIRECTION: and that you've put these in (brackets) almost implies that you haven't. In fact, those would appear to be STAGE PLAY conventions.

Correctly using action lines between your dialogue will give a much better pace your screenplay. You should be looking to add actions.

One quick point; it's much preferable to have your characters 'do' something, than for them to be 'doing' it. In you first paragraph - She walks out of a full Chinese restaurant. She waves goodbye...

 

[gorillaonabike]

Format notes:

- The format in the originals is fine. It's just on IT and no, I'm not using Celtx nor do I want to use it.
- It was originally written as an 80,000 word novel and re-written at a production company's insistence into a series and movie hence some of the weirdness.
- Because it was originally a novel, some of the description has been lifted across in a stage format as Insane Headgear has pointed out.
- These will mostly disappear in the final version and I'd use Woody Allen's classical format. For the moment, it is what it is.

Alcohol notes:

The production company gave me a very expensive bottle of whiskey at the end as a consolation prize because they went with a different movie which turned out to be one of my favourite movies of all time.
- The whiskey was incredible.
- They also gave me a bottle of the writer's favourite drink (of the movie they eventually went with). Apparently, when he writes, he locks himself into a hotel room in Switzerland with a few bottles of this and just writes until an Oscar pops out. Didn't work for me, but it was good stuff.


_______________________________________________________________

My expectation is the script changes fairly radically when the right actors are on board. I want the actors to take the words and mould them into their own.

I want (Southern) Chinese cockney accents, (Southern) Chinese accents, posh English accents, posh English with a hint of Southern Chinese etc... I want to hear the bad grammar I grew up with. I want to hear the individual actors improv and use the script as 'guidelines,' not a fixed point.

But that's just my thought process.

 

[mlesemann]

Having the actors improv on set can cause problems with blocking & having them repeat the lines in different takes for different camera angles.

If you want them to make the lines their own, I'd recommend workshopping the script, and building what works for your actors into the final version of the script. Then allow for just small amounts of improv when you shoot (I do think SOME is great, as long as people can repeat it as needed).

 

[Theauteur14]

You not wanting to use celtx is a bit alarming. It's so simple and as another user said it formats perfectly. At least learn how to format correctly if you will not use it.

It is good that you want to have actors really own the words. But there is a better way to go about it. What I do is get the script as good as I want it before I start casting. Then once I have my roles cast when I look over the script (I like to read the script once a week) I will envision them acting in my head and then words that will sound better out of their mouths pop out.

Improvising is fine. But if you are going to go that route then you might as well go the Terrence Malick, Joe Swanberg, Drake Doremus, and Lynn Shelton way: just write an outline with no dialogue. Christian Bale said that Malick doesn't even say what they are dong the day of.

 

[mlesemann]

originally posted by Theauteur14:
Improvising is fine. But if you are going to go that route then you might as well go the Terrence Malick, Joe Swanberg, Drake Doremus, and Lynn Shelton way: just write an outline with no dialogue. Christian Bale said that Malick doesn't even say what they are dong the day of.

You need great actors to really make this work - not only ones that improv (very) well, but ones that can repeat the improv for 2nd, 3rd, and 4th camera angles.

 

[Theauteur14]

You need great actors to really make this work - not only ones that improv (very) well, but ones that can repeat the improv for 2nd, 3rd, and 4th camera angles.

Shouldn't you cast the best actors that you can cast? I say this, there are a lot more great actors out there than great directors.

When you improve you don't/shouldn't repeat each line for each take. That really doesn't make any sense. That will ruin the moment that was captured and defeat the purpose.

I wouldn't do this process myself. But it intrigues me. I think it's a very artistic way of working.

 

[WalterB]

You not wanting to use celtx is a bit alarming.............

LOL, this almost sounds as if he handling uranium without protection.

Gorilla says the original is formatted correctly, it's just this copy on IT that isn't.


I think great actors are not only capable of improvising (when you created a 'safe environment' for them to open up), but they should also be able to repeat their actions.
That will not ruin the moment. The only thing that is gone the second time is the initial surprise of everyone else.

 

[gorillaonabike]

Having the actors improv on set can cause problems with blocking & having them repeat the lines in different takes for different camera angles.

If you want them to make the lines their own, I'd recommend workshopping the script, and building what works for your actors into the final version of the script. Then allow for just small amounts of improv when you shoot (I do think SOME is great, as long as people can repeat it as needed).

My writing isn't good enough that it will come straight off the page. I need actors to improvise, play etc... within the parameters of the story. So far, it seems to work in shorts but in features - that's something i need to find out.

 

[mlesemann]

originally posted by Theauteur14:
When you improve you don't/shouldn't repeat each line for each take. That really doesn't make any sense. That will ruin the moment that was captured and defeat the purpose.

If you're shooting a shot/reverse shot, medium shot, close up, etc of the same scene, you need the same line delivered the same way so you can edit it seamlessly.

 

[Theauteur14]

LOL, this almost sounds as if he handling uranium without protection.

Gorilla says the original is formatted correctly, it's just this copy on IT that isn't.

LOL.

I hope that is the case. But still doesn't make any sense as he posted it online. Oh well.

I think great actors are not only capable of improvising (when you created a 'safe environment' for them to open up), but they should also be able to repeat their actions.
That will not ruin the moment. The only thing that is gone the second time is the initial surprise of everyone else.

They can repeat it for sure. But it is never the same. When you shoot a film you are looking for those spontaneous moments to capture on screen. Just telling someone to say something they made up again will make you lose that and chances are you will just use the first take anyway (which is why I don't like doing a lot of takes even if there is little to no improve). Then it just becomes result direction which really isn't all that inspiring.

As an actor I want to do something different each take. I think most great actors do.

If you're shooting a shot/reverse shot, medium shot, close up, etc of the same scene, you need the same line delivered the same way so you can edit it seamlessly.

That's the beauty of editing, you can get all of that done there. In my second short that I wrote and directed there was one scene that an actor hadn't been able to memorize completely. I was also acting with him so we just went with it. It was a great scene. We said different things each time. But by the way it was edited you wouldn't have known.

 

[gorillaonabike]

If you're shooting a shot/reverse shot, medium shot, close up, etc of the same scene, you need the same line delivered the same way so you can edit it seamlessly.

Really useful, thanks.

 

[Theauteur14]

^What she said is simply not true. It's helpful. But it isn't true. Your editor and loop any dialogue that you get if need be.

Notice though, most films with improv don't have a lot of camera movements, or mid scene angel changes. It's so they do not have to worry about that and can just focus on the actors.