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screenplay "Running Loose" (~8 pages) - These are my first pages so feedback is REALLY appreciated.

Hello, I am an inexperienced high-school writer and I have been making short documentaries but have recently gotten into screenwriting. I have created the first pages to a script and would appreciate any feedback you have. Whether or not it's interesting, has good dialogue, proper formatting, sequence, etc.

Feedback/critiques are VERY appreciated. Thank you for reading.
 

Attachments

  • Running Loose Intro.pdf
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I like this. Straightforward, the characters are good, and it's not hard to shoot.
You definitely made me interested in what happens next.

Question re "on the house" for the gas: I realize that Jimmy doesn't know how to charge the officer for the gas. But I don't think most pumps will work without either a credit card in the slot or something by the attendant.

A few technical notes:
When Charlie & Jimmy run across the field on page 1, that should be set up as a separate, external scene.

Use the "parenthetical" option for "whispers" below the character names.

On page 2, starting with Charlie shutting down the security system, I'd break those actions down into separate lines with a blank line between them - white space is your friend.

Put "watching the screen...." as a separate action line.

On page 4, put "police officer" in all caps when you introduce him.

On page 8, instead of "earlier during the robbery," you want "Flashback - A few minutes earlier" or something similar.
 
Thanks so much for taking the time to read! Yes, I thought about the gas pump issue and thought that maybe they could ask Brad quickly but it felt clunky. Thank you for the formatting notes, I will have a revision and more pages soon. thanks again!
 
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