You know I should have said it's a game of chance, not luck. Chance is more accurate. But this is a very interesting article that may help you.
Yes, but are we not simply talking about semantics The gem you gave me was that there was an element of chance (which you're right is a better word) that was not in control of the characters..it was the invisible force that played the game out and it just so happened, SCISSORS is spared ...
Oops, so sloppy, I best be careful with that!There's a few spelling mistakes. I understand you're eager to get feedback but read your script back to yourself several dozen times before putting it out there.
Noted .. I will fix thatSimilarly, your descriptions could do with being snappier, there's a lot of over-describing. "Vanessa's eyes remain closed as she sleeps" should just be "Vannessa sleeps"' the rest of the words don't add anything. Same with "Vanessa slowly exhales smokes from her lips", I'm not sure where else we would expect it to be blown from.
I thought that when you first introduce your characters, you have some liberty with description of them. I will remove those as wellAlso, you should avoid writing things in the descriptions that the audience can't see. "Clive, a truck driver that works with scissors" and "Scissors, still thinking of his wife". If you need this information to be known to the audience, you will need to include some visual clue or dialogue to indicate it, otherwise how are they to know.
I don't mind to remove most of those CUTS but with respect to the MATCH CUT, I needed to somehow describe (through SCISSORS eyes) that he is thinking of his wife, even while he is engaging in sex with another woman...So that's why i have zoom in and zoom out of their respective eyes. I suppose your point is that this is not part of story so perhaps I should remove that too.Not sure if you are planning to direct this yourself but you shouldn't put camera directions in a spec script either, things like "camera follows him", "camera slowly zooms out" and "CUT TO:" need to come out of this screenplay unless you are making it yourself.
From the previous posts it sounds like you've got a good story but I think the writing aspect needs some refining. This looks very much like a first draft. Keep plugging on with it though. Screenwriting mostly involves rewriting, keep going over it until it can't be improved any more.
Thanks StoneJack, I also thought of adding more of the theme of GAME and CHANCE into the script...For example, the invisible force prevents PAPER from killing SCISSORS almost as divine intervention...As if, SCISSORS has been CHOSEN and his fate is sealed to be the winner in the end ...I also made reference to him as the Luckiest man alive when he says it sarcastically in the bar scene...Just some foreshadowingI liked it!! Nice, loved how Scissor and Paper are linked together literally in the first 2 minutes.
I'm not saying you should remove it. If it's a good visual shot that moves the story along, use it. Just don't use directing terminology to express it. Instead think how you can best describe it so the audience can visualise it the same way you see it in your mind.I needed to somehow describe (through SCISSORS eyes) that he is thinking of his wife, even while he is engaging in sex with another woman...So that's why i have zoom in and zoom out of their respective eyes. I suppose your point is that this is not part of story so perhaps I should remove that too.
You're right. I will keep the MATCH CUT to reinforce the connection between these two scenes, however I will remove directing terminology and use common language instead to describe how the scenes are connected...I'm not saying you should remove it. If it's a good visual shot that moves the story along, use it. Just don't use directing terminology to express it. Instead think how you can best describe it so the audience can visualise it the same way you see it in your mind.
Ok, that makes a bit more sense. I'd still look at perhaps toning it down a bit though. Like I said, just seems there's something not quite natural about it, not cheesy exactly, but a bit too formal in terms of the way they talk.Clive is a co worker of Scissors and his friend...He knows him several years and knows Scissors loves his wife but the nature of his job being away a week at a time or more, he gives in to infidelity ... It has put a strain on his relationship with his wife
Thats'a great suggestion. This way, no more useless characters are introduced.No, it all sounds really good. Keep us posted on your progress. I've attached a little suggestion on thr Clive/Scissors scene, just an idea.
Thats'a great suggestion. This way, no more useless characters are introduced.
This now leads to Clive's character development. As of now, Clive is basically the engine behind the story development. His (bad) intentions drive everyone towards the catastrophe. You will need to describe Clive's intentions and background for viewers to understand the story fuller.