• Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

Revenge of the Vampire (short script)

PhantomScreenwriter

PhantomScreenwriter

Revenge of the Vampire: 3RD DRAFT

Revenge of the Vampire

The third draft is attached in a new response to this thread.

A tale of a Vampire's revenge against a man of faith who betrayed her. A different approach to the Vampire in terms of mythology.

The concept behind this is classic Hammer style horror. This story isn't set in modern day. At the moment in this first draft there is violence but it isn't overly gory. I would hope to find a filmmaker who is a fan of the Hammer horror films that starred Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee.

I would be working on this not only as a Screenwriter but also a Producer. This is to ensure that people who share a vision of a film in the style of Hammer horror films are involved on the project as this is the time period that the story will always be set in.
 
Last edited:
Sort by date Sort by votes
I didn't read it all because something very early threw me:

TERRIFIED MAN
I need help...a vampire has
attacked my family.
Click to expand...

... this is 100% on-the-nose dialogue. On-the-nose dialogue is a script killer. People tend not to use such dialogue in real life. It's often used heavily by novice screenwriters. Imagine yourself watching this short and hearing that line. I would not buy into it at all. You're also killing any possible suspense around this story point too. Amp up the suspense. Amp up the realism. Don't give it away that it was a 'vampire', 'something came last night... attacked us.'. That's still not great. I would draw out the man's panic. Draw out what happened - don't just reveal it in one hit... Give us suspense. Give us drama.

PREACHER
First I must ask if you believe in
God the Father and the Almighty?
The terrified man nods furiously.
Click to expand...
... if a preacher sees a man in this state and hears that he has been attacked, he should not help only if the man is man of God. And again that dialogue read stale. Close to on-the-nose again.

TERRIFIED MAN
I live to serve God, my father and
the Almighty, with all of my heart,
all of my body and all of my
spirit!
Click to expand...

... his family has been attacked. If the preacher asked me what he did, I would be pissed. I would not reply in this way. It's too stale... Give us drama, suspense and conflict.

I didn't read on because the above gives you quite a bit.

Note dialogue is the Achilles heel for most novice screenwriters.

How to Write Great Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/how-to-write-great-dialogue.php

Avoid Expositional Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/expositional-dialogue.php

Avoid 'On-the-nose' Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/on-the-nose-dialogue.php
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0 Downvote
I enjoyed it, though I take it this was meant as a lead-in and not the full script. I enjoyed the old HHH productions.

If this IS the full short, then there are problems. It describes a sequence of scenes and doesn't tell a story. As such it would not make for a good movie. Going back to that list of "Things that are wrong" chart from another thread, here's what I see:

2. Scenes are devoid of meaningful conflict.
4. Story is too thin
5. Villains are cartoonish
6. Character logic is muddy
8. Narrative is repetitive and plodding
10. Protagonist is a standard issue hero
11. Script favors style over substance
12. Ending is completely anti-climactic
... and many more.

HOWEVER, if this is just the teaser for a longer feature it is redeemable. As IndyPaul pointed out, the dialogue is the major issue as it slows the pacing and feels unnatural. The characters are also a little stiff. I think more could be done to make them more 3D and interesting. I think it is an interesting lead in but not unlike most modern vampire stories that shun "tradition". You have to decide how to walk that line. The HHH films followed tradition. "Twilight", "Being Human" and others have abandoned it to varying degrees. "Underworld" has sought to expand on tradition but doesn't twinkle quite yet. Whatever track you take, you will be judged accordingly.

As it is, I'm not interested in the characters. The parson isn't believable or likeable and reads very stereotypical, which is bad if you intend for him to be the protagonist. The two vampires are rather flat. Rather than taking advantage of the meeting of the female vampire and the terrified man to create interest, you have her kill him. Boring, predictable, not interesting. See how McBride and Wiseman develops Selene's role in "Underworld: Evolution".

As a start, it's not terribly unique. Where it ends is not what I would consider the end of the "Act 1". This is a "false stop". You need to follow through with the story and set up the rest of the feature. Really, this could be cut down to 6-7 pages and would need about 6-8 more pages to jump us to a point that sets the tone for the feature. Where it stops now is the conclusion of a scene or vignette, not a story.

I am interested to see where you go with it. If there is more story which you simply haven't shared, I understand. Reading these first 8 pages (short or feature), I'd be inclined to 'pass' because there are too many issues. If you take time to resolve some of these and develop it beyond your current ending, I think you have potential for writing a script that could be produced. As it is, there's not enough story or character development. Good luck!
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Thank you both for your feedback, it's appreciated. This is a very early draft but I feel that if I can get feedback at this early stage then it's going to make further drafts better.

To answer your question Fantasy yes this is the full short as it currently sits. I want to make a career out of short films and so gaining feedback like yours and IndiePaul's is great because I want to make the best shorts I can.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
For the line of dialogue IndiePaul was talking about, the character could run up yelling nonsense, then the preacher calms him down, and out of breath, the man says "it was... it... it... it got them". The sound of the characters heartbeat intensities, and he has short flashbacks that give us a brief idea of what happened.

Some of the dialogue could be taken out entirely, or could be written far better. The follow line made me cringe.

"After I was turned the vampire told
me the one thing that kills
us...but I’m not going to tell you."

Why would he tell him that, and who would actually talk like that?

I disliked that whole scene with the vampire. That could have been cut down, and would have been far more effective.

It could go something like this (bare with me about the formatting):

VAMPIRE
Sunlight?

The vampire tears down the window curtains, throwing them at the preacher, and slowly edging towards him.

VAMPIRE
Thinking about garlic?

The vampire takes a bite from the garlic, and spits it on the mortified face of the preacher.

VAMPIRE (CONT'D)
Holy water?

The vampire takes a swig in the water and spits it on him, getting closer and closer.

VAMPIRE (CONT'D)
Oh, perhaps fire?

She sticks her hand under the kerosene lamp, then rushes to the frightened preacher, pushing him down.

VAMPIRE (CONT'D)
You... will become...

The preacher jabs a wooden stake through her heart. She continues, as if nothing happened.

VAMPIRE (CONT'D)
(whispering) One of us...

----

I was confused initially. I think you should introduce the character not as "the woman", but as "the vampire", so that we know it is her. I wasn't sure who the vampire was at first, and until I saw the word "her", I didn't know the gender of the vampire either.

I also recommend you cut out the fire starting in the house. It's nice, but not in the budget of most no-very low budget filmmakers

----

I didn't like the ending. I like dark endings, but this one didn't feel like it fit the story. It would be really cool if God intervened at the right moment before the preacher was bit.

Perhaps earlier in the story, the preacher could be sharing ideas of an ultimate weapon to kill vampires with the terrified man. At the end he pulls out a gun, and shoots the vampire.

I dunno if any of those work, I'm just throwing out ideas :)
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Thanks Chimp for your feedback, no harm in throwing out ideas :)

I need to work more on the character of the female vampire to define exactly what type of vampire she is within the context of vampires in this story. So far there's just the quick flashback the Preacher has to when he sold her the weapons while she was still a human, and there's no indication in that flashback as to her own thoughts on God or her faith in the belief that the weapons will destroy vampires.

I guess with her telling the Preacher that she was told how vampires are killed but she won't reveal it to him is her way of leaving him in a state of torment because it will force him to question his own faith - is there really a God, is there really any weapon that can be used against vampires and if not then I am eternally damned to walk the earth as the very creature I wanted to destroy.

With the dialogue my intention is to get it to the point of feeling like it's from one of the old Hammer Horror films. I remember seeing a horror film that starred Christopher Lee but it wasn't a Hammer production it was called City of the Dead. There's a witch in that story that gets burnt at the stake but before she does she makes a pact with Satan:

"I have made my pact with thee O Lucifer! Hear me, hear me! I will do thy bidding for all eternity. For all eternity shall I practice the ritual of Black Mass. For all eternity shall I sacrifice unto thee. I give thee my soul, take me into thy service."

This is the style of dialogue I'm aiming for with how the Preacher speaks to the Terrified Man, except of course he's not speaking to Satan he's speaking as a man who believes, to an almost psychotic extent, that he is doing the work of God himself by providing these weapons to defeat these vampires.

But all this comes back to improving this screenplay, which is what I would like to do.

At this stage I am still deciding whether to make this a live-action production or an animated one. But until that time I need to keep working on the screenplay.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
PhantomScreenwriter said:
Thanks Chimp for your feedback, no harm in throwing out ideas :)
Click to expand...

:)

I need to work more on the character of the female vampire to define exactly what type of vampire she is within the context of vampires in this story. So far there's just the quick flashback the Preacher has to when he sold her the weapons while she was still a human, and there's no indication in that flashback as to her own thoughts on God or her faith in the belief that the weapons will destroy vampires.
Click to expand...

Perhaps she could say something like "then why didn't He save ME? WHY I AM LIKE THIS IF HE WAS PROTECTING ME?!". Something like that.

I guess with her telling the Preacher that she was told how vampires are killed but she won't reveal it to him is her way of leaving him in a state of torment because it will force him to question his own faith - is there really a God, is there really any weapon that can be used against vampires and if not then I am eternally damned to walk the earth as the very creature I wanted to destroy.
Click to expand...

Okay... that makes sense. Perhaps if you put more emphasis on the Preacher loosing his faith, that might help. She could slowly disappear into fog saying "where's your God?", and vividly described the pained face of the preacher, now staring at the sky... tormented.

With the dialogue my intention is to get it to the point of feeling like it's from one of the old Hammer Horror films. I remember seeing a horror film that starred Christopher Lee but it wasn't a Hammer production it was called City of the Dead. There's a witch in that story that gets burnt at the stake but before she does she makes a pact with Satan:

"I have made my pact with thee O Lucifer! Hear me, hear me! I will do thy bidding for all eternity. For all eternity shall I practice the ritual of Black Mass. For all eternity shall I sacrifice unto thee. I give thee my soul, take me into thy service."
Click to expand...

Okay... I can see what you're going for.

This is the style of dialogue I'm aiming for with how the Preacher speaks to the Terrified Man, except of course he's not speaking to Satan he's speaking as a man who believes, to an almost psychotic extent, that he is doing the work of God himself by providing these weapons to defeat these vampires.

But all this comes back to improving this screenplay, which is what I would like to do.

At this stage I am still deciding whether to make this a live-action production or an animated one. But until that time I need to keep working on the screenplay.
Click to expand...

Well, good luck! :)
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Hmm... the second draft is better, but it's still a bit plodding. I think the flashback is unnecessary (the effect can be better achieved more simply, IMO).

Also, the preacher is a mixed bag of a character. From the early scene-setting (signs etc.), I get the impression that he's a huckster, a bit of a charlatan selling snake oil with his guarantees (it's the ultimate scam... if his trinkets work, he'll enhance his reputation... if they don't, then the unlucky purchasers will be long gone anyway... or so he thinks). But then by the end he becomes a tormented man of faith.

The atheistic stuff is very heavy handed and overwrought.

Also also, the first draft featured a nice riff on the vampires-must-be-invited-into-a-dwelling myth, but the second draft abandoned it altogether towards the end, which I thought was a shame.

Also also, the preacher using the word "okay" seems very out of character with his speech patterns elsewhere.

Finally, when you say 'cornea', I think you may mean 'iris', but since the cornea is transparent and covers the iris anyway, it doesn't make much difference!
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
I feel that flashbacks are better if they are just quick enough for a piece of information to be conveyed to the audience and the character experiencing the flashback. But I think I can see where you're coming from by suggesting it's unnecessary.

Originally he was supposed to be asking for money to continue to fund his mission but I took that aspect out (obviously there's still a hint of that there) because even though it would be a nice political point to make about churches asking for money, I wanted to focus more on the extreme devotion the Preacher has to his faith, which is thrown back in his face by the vampire, and because of his deep seated faith in God he still doesn't accept his fate, and it isn't until he is forced by his now natural desire to feed, and then attempting to commit suicide, does he fully accept that he is a vampire, there is no God, his faith was put into something that is a lie, and that he was a liar for believing there was a way to destroy vampires and telling people there were.

The Atheistic aspect is something I intentionally wanted to be heavy handed and overwrought because it's a mockery or a play on how Evangelists preach religion in a similar heavy handed and overwrought way.

I felt to get rid of that aspect of the myth too was more in line with the rest of the myths being debunked. As far as how to destroy a vampire goes I wanted there to be a very nihilistic feeling about how humanity is going to survive if a vampire cannot be killed? The answer is that there is nothing that can. This could be taken as a cop out on my part not to reveal what that answer is but the reasoning is from a story telling and thematic view point. There is absolutely no hope for humanity if there's no way to destroy a vampire, and especially if only vampires know how they can be killed.

Thanks for picking up on the use of the word okay, will fix that up. As well as the cornea too! Thanks for the feedback :)
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
PhantomScreenwriter said:
I feel that flashbacks are better if they are just quick enough for a piece of information to be conveyed to the audience and the character experiencing the flashback. But I think I can see where you're coming from by suggesting it's unnecessary.

Originally he was supposed to be asking for money to continue to fund his mission but I took that aspect out (obviously there's still a hint of that there) because even though it would be a nice political point to make about churches asking for money, I wanted to focus more on the extreme devotion the Preacher has to his faith, which is thrown back in his face by the vampire, and because of his deep seated faith in God he still doesn't accept his fate, and it isn't until he is forced by his now natural desire to feed, and then attempting to commit suicide, does he fully accept that he is a vampire, there is no God, his faith was put into something that is a lie, and that he was a liar for believing there was a way to destroy vampires and telling people there were.

The Atheistic aspect is something I intentionally wanted to be heavy handed and overwrought because it's a mockery or a play on how Evangelists preach religion in a similar heavy handed and overwrought way.

I felt to get rid of that aspect of the myth too was more in line with the rest of the myths being debunked. As far as how to destroy a vampire goes I wanted there to be a very nihilistic feeling about how humanity is going to survive if a vampire cannot be killed? The answer is that there is nothing that can. This could be taken as a cop out on my part not to reveal what that answer is but the reasoning is from a story telling and thematic view point. There is absolutely no hope for humanity if there's no way to destroy a vampire, and especially if only vampires know how they can be killed.

Thanks for picking up on the use of the word okay, will fix that up. As well as the cornea too! Thanks for the feedback :)
Click to expand...

I love the fact that only vampires know how vampires can be killed; it's probably the best idea in the script! :)

The main flaw, though, is that I think your atheistic drum is still being overbeaten, even in your explanation above. If the preacher genuinely is a man of faith, then in no sense could he consider himself to be "a liar" for having faith. His faith might be incorrect, or misplaced, but that doesn't make him a liar. Nor does the fact that a particular piece of superstition turns out to be false mean that there is no god. It's a strange logic, and it seems to put the conclusion you want first and flow backward from there. Indeed, it's a central tenet of many faiths that the most pious were taunted by demons or devils of one sort or another, and that the pious men were powerless against them, and yet it only strengthened their faith.

In short, I think if the preacher is a man of faith (rather than a charlatan) then the character doesn't work. But that's just me.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
maz said:
I love the fact that only vampires know how vampires can be killed; it's probably the best idea in the script! :)

The main flaw, though, is that I think your atheistic drum is still being overbeaten, even in your explanation above. If the preacher genuinely is a man of faith, then in no sense could he consider himself to be "a liar" for having faith. His faith might be incorrect, or misplaced, but that doesn't make him a liar. Nor does the fact that a particular piece of superstition turns out to be false mean that there is no god. It's a strange logic, and it seems to put the conclusion you want first and flow backward from there. Indeed, it's a central tenet of many faiths that the most pious were taunted by demons or devils of one sort or another, and that the pious men were powerless against them, and yet it only strengthened their faith.

In short, I think if the preacher is a man of faith (rather than a charlatan) then the character doesn't work. But that's just me.
Click to expand...

Thanks, I like that angle it makes it kinda like a secret society and the only way you gain access to the knowledge held by that society is if you become one of them :)

I see your point. This gives me something to think about. In all honesty the response to this part of your feedback was going to be longer but as I was typing I thought of some things to put into a third draft, so thanks :)

I think where I was trying to go with the 'particular piece of superstition turns out to be false', therefore the Preacher renouncing God's existence angle is to further explore the notion that most of the vampire myths have a religious base that posits a vampire is afraid of religious relics - I wanted to, like other aspects of the vampire myth, reject that notion for this story.

But this definitely makes for great discussion ;)

Thanks again for your feedback Maz, I like in depth feedback as it gives more to go on.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top