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Question about writing quality.

H

harmonica44

I am about to shoot my first real short film soon. My friends read the script and made corrections, and gave thoughts. A few things have been rewritten and a lot stayed the same. However just right after I sent the script out to the actors and crew that answered my casting call, a screenwriter came along and said he wanted to check it out. This is a real screenwriter who has worked on feature movies before.

He told me that my whole script needs to be re-tooled and I don't have a good structure down. Now it's a little late for changes since I already sent it out for everyone to read over their lines and audition. For my first real short I hope to make an impression with people with, how bad is it when a screenwriter says that? He was taught by real screenwriters who have sold movies, so would they all have similar opinions, or could they just as very well differ on structure?
 
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harmonica44 said:
Well there was a case where I live a while ago, where a guy was forced at gunpoint, to have sex with a woman. He wasn't penetrated, but he still felt pretty violated and pressed charges. Plus there are several other crimes where people are assaulted that did not involve penetration, and they still pressed charges, so I thought it would be relate-able. I will try to make the audience see the seriousness of it as much as I can.

I will take out the weird opening dialogue, which I intended for weird humor, and skip ahead. So how much establishment of their relationship should I have before I skip ahead?
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I'm looking forward to seeing it! Mine is so simple and incredibly basic compared to this. Sure, I have five different locations which is a massive pain but wow, it is totally opposite in every respect.
 
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I have heard two friends relay stories about having had sexual intercourse forced upon them by a girl, in both cases they were bragging about it.
You're going to have a hard time to get the audience to take this seriously IMO unless he is anally penetrated. Then you can also factor his emotional confusion of enjoying the sensation to a degree. I've heard stories where women had great difficulty coming to terms with the fact that they reached orgasm while being raped and hating themselves for it.

I would say the guy in your story was more upset by his fear and the fact that a woman caused it and dominated him than the intercourse. Sounds like a case of bruised male ego.
 
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Chrisk said:
I have heard two friends relay stories about having had sexual intercourse forced upon them by a girl, in both cases they were bragging about it.
You're going to have a hard time to get the audience to take this seriously IMO unless he is anally penetrated. Then you can also factor his emotional confusion of enjoying the sensation to a degree. I've heard stories where women had great difficulty coming to terms with the fact that they reached orgasm while being raped and hating themselves for it.

I would say the guy in your story was more upset by his fear and the fact that a woman caused it and dominated him than the intercourse. Sounds like a case of bruised male ego.
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Yeah, same here. One of my friends openly told me, and I can tell you he didn't seem too angry or upset by it. I always joke with him about the rape incident.

And he can make a movie about male rape if he wants to.
 
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Yikes that ending was insane but somewhat predictable. I would cut out a lot of the first bits of dialogue and go into them sitting down and the drug working faster. Maybe get more action going on in that opening, I think she should press him further about hooking up because she just wants to get pregnant.

PS have her clothes get ripped more lol like the tree rape scene in evil dead
 
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Chrisk said:
I have heard two friends relay stories about having had sexual intercourse forced upon them by a girl, in both cases they were bragging about it.
You're going to have a hard time to get the audience to take this seriously IMO unless he is anally penetrated. Then you can also factor his emotional confusion of enjoying the sensation to a degree. I've heard stories where women had great difficulty coming to terms with the fact that they reached orgasm while being raped and hating themselves for it.

I would say the guy in your story was more upset by his fear and the fact that a woman caused it and dominated him than the intercourse. Sounds like a case of bruised male ego.
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Wow I'm kinda surprised.

Okay well thanks for the input guys. I'll still go with the overall story since the script is written and the actors are ready to audition so far. And I will change the slow opening. I kinda wanted to have an opening like Inglorious Basterds where two characters talk and have laughs before they find out something strange is about. I'm referring to the scene where the play cards for like 10 minutes. How do you have that kind of slow build up and still make it good? Well if I can't do that at this stage, I'll just skip ahead. And yes I'll write it so she presses him further to get pregnant. I actually just thought of that yesterday. Thanks.
 
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harmonica44 said:
Wow I'm kinda surprised.

Okay well thanks for the input guys. I'll still go with the overall story since the script is written and the actors are ready to audition so far. And I will change the slow opening. I kinda wanted to have an opening like Inglorious Basterds where two characters talk and have laughs before they find out something strange is about. I'm referring to the scene where the play cards for like 10 minutes. How do you have that kind of slow build up and still make it good? Well if I can't do that at this stage, I'll just skip ahead. And yes I'll write it so she presses him further to get pregnant. I actually just thought of that yesterday. Thanks.
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that takes about 20+ years of film making experience. just make some changes like tightening the dialog/cutting it down and getting the action to start on page one. don't try and go for the epic, long conversation with a big scene right after it. its not going to be good. at all. you're just starting out, take it easy, man. you'll get the point of writing a twenty minute intro to a film...just not now.
 
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CHamburger said:
Yikes that ending was insane but somewhat predictable. I would cut out a lot of the first bits of dialogue and go into them sitting down and the drug working faster. Maybe get more action going on in that opening, I think she should press him further about hooking up because she just wants to get pregnant.

PS have her clothes get ripped more lol like the tree rape scene in evil dead
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Okay thanks. I just hope that by doing so, it won't come of as one of those quickie starts where you feel you needed more character development first or something. Like how some movies just jump right in without as much depth first.

The feature I'm writing right now relies on that Tarantino-ish epic intro in a couple of scenes so I hope I get it right after a few rewrites. So for this one, how should I skip ahead then. Should he open his drink, take a sip, then cut to a few minutes later, and he immediately feels funny? By doing this I am worried the audience won't know enough about their relationship or the characters maybe. In a feature it's okay to jump right into the action, but since mine is only 10 minutes I feel I have to develop them in that scene, since there is not much time. But you guys are the experienced ones, so I will right it by skipping ahead.
 
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harmonica44 said:
Okay thanks. I just hope that by doing so, it won't come of as one of those quickie starts where you feel you needed more character development first or something. Like how some movies just jump right in without as much depth first.

The feature I'm writing right now relies on that Tarantino-ish epic intro in a couple of scenes so I hope I get it right after a few rewrites. So for this one, how should I skip ahead then. Should he open his drink, take a sip, then cut to a few minutes later, and he immediately feels funny? By doing this I am worried the audience won't know enough about their relationship or the characters maybe. In a feature it's okay to jump right into the action, but since mine is only 10 minutes I feel I have to develop them in that scene, since there is not much time. But you guys are the experienced ones, so I will right it by skipping ahead.
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Do whatever you want as long as it's interesting. Don't let someone tell you that you can't have a certain intro.
 
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Well I want to do what's best, I just have to learn the difference between a good intro that doesn't dive right into the plot as oppose to bad one. I just watched the movie Body Heat, and the first four scenes, could have been cut before the main plot even starts. Still would have made sense, and it's a highly critically acclaimed movie. So I need to learn what justifies unnecessary scenes.
 
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Yeah I know, I can't have four scenes that have nothing to do with plot for my short, I was just talking about it in general. In this case, it would only be a page. I cut it out and got right to the poisoning, I just hope I had enough intro and develop for the characters first.
 
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harmonica44 said:
Yeah I know, I can't have four scenes that have nothing to do with plot for my short, I was just talking about it in general. In this case, it would only be a page. I cut it out and got right to the poisoning, I just hope I had enough intro and develop for the characters first.
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A lot of movies don't have to start in the action. I always thought that was just a technique, not a rule. But a lot of people on here seem to disagree. Personally, I consider it a technique. I think you should hone your craft, not follow others. Maybe I'm to liberal? lol

EDIT: which gives a unique feel to your film, like how you can tell you're watching a Tarantino flick.
 
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Well I edit the weird dialogue out maybe, but also shoot it maybe as well, and play around. I'll figure it out hopefully. Thanks for the input, I should have posted the script before. It's actually the plot to a feature I started writing, just with a lot changed around to fit into a 10 minute short. When I'm done the feature perhaps I should post it for feedback.
 
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Let me preface this by saying that I have not read the screenplay yet. I am basing this idea on the comments posted here so far.

If you want to portray the female that drugs and rapes the guy as a psycho hose beast, you can have her tear her own clothing and use his limp hand to slap herself across the face while she's riding him, leaving a large red handprint, as well as scratching herself with his fingernails and scratching his face with her nails. That way she can threaten him with rape charges. Also, if she wants to get knocked up from him, you can show that by having her check her ovulation schedule. Every woman I know keeps track of her period and, there's an app for that (go to your app store and search 'period tracker').

Also, if the dude is doped up, he would likely require some direct oral stimulation to become rigid enough to perform. Just a thought.
 
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Lucky Hardwood said:
Also, if the dude is doped up, he would likely require some direct oral stimulation to become rigid enough to perform. Just a thought.
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Or chemical ;). Maybe this could be the angle, she dosed him loads of Viagra which can cause a hardon for days and damage his penis possibly leaving him impotent. Now if that happened to be THEN I'd be mad.
 
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I agree with what others have said here (especially the Viagra/injury angle, which would make his desire for revenge much more believable, and even relatable), but there's one huge plot hole that no one has mentioned. How the hell did she get him to the basement? I'm assuming he's an average size guy and she's an average size woman. There's no way she could carry him, unconscious, to the basement. Even dragging him would be tough. It would likely end up with both of them falling down the stairs.

Trust me, this is something audiences will call you out on. I'm strong for a woman (I can bench well over 100 pounds and leg press nearly 400 pounds), and there's no way I could carry an average size guy down a flight of stairs without seriously injuring myself.

Plus, the idea that she'd want to do the deed in the basement is kind of weird. I'd think, if she's doing this because she wants to get pregnant, that she'd want to do it in her bedroom, or even right there in the living room. Basements, at least how you've portrayed this one, are dark, damp, and dirty. No woman wants to remember the conception of her child as taking place in that kind of location. For her to do this whole thing in the first place, she'd have to be mentally unstable, which means she'd probably be romanticizing the whole thing. I can see him waking up in her bedroom, with candles lit and rose petals. Plus, that makes her way creepier.
 
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