Psychologist of a Psychologist

[Inarius]

I have an idea for a short script.

It's about a depressed guy with an unrequited love, who goes to a psychologist and finds her trying to commit a suicide. He saves her from jumping out of the window of her office, plans to go another psychologist, a sane one, but realizes she might repeat her attempt to commit a suicide. From that moment he learns that the psychologist's problem is similar to his, but much more serious and extreme. He talks her out of the suicide idea, convinces her to move on, which in turn helps him deal with his own problem. After he leaves the office, another patient enters it, sees the psychologist trying to jump out of the window and saves her. We learn it is just a trick, acted by the psychologist to help his patients deal with their problems.

What I do like about the idea, that it's 2 actors (well, 2 + a non-actor), and one location (or maybe 2 locations, the office and the waiting room).

What do you think about that?

 

[Inarius]

Hey everybody. Here is the new draft.
I decided to keep the part where Shlomi starts talking about his problems, even when he sees Ilana on the ledge. I want to keep the "What-the-f*ck" atmosphere.

I made a few changes which are crucial to the story.

1) - I made clearer the reasons why both character haven't achieved their goals long before.

2) - I reduced the intimic part between Shlomi and Ilana. Now it's only that she puts her head on his shoulder, and he awkwardly tries to calm her down.

3) - I reduced a few dialogue that give nothing but information

On the Ledge - Draft 6

Critique please

 

[maz]

It's better, and it's getting there, but that first line of Shlomi's still grates terribly. It may be WTF but not in a good way at all. I don't see why anybody would want to sympathise with somebody so self-absorbed.

I really think that the structure is getting better, but the 'meat' of the film - the 'treatment' part of the scene - still does not read well, and the progression through it just seems random instead of earned at all.

I honestly think that old saying "kill your darlings" is never more appropriate than here. There are things even in this draft that are relics of your original post and which don't help the script at all.

 

[Inarius]

It's better, and it's getting there, but that first line of Shlomi's still grates terribly. It may be WTF but not in a good way at all. I don't see why anybody would want to sympathise with somebody so self-absorbed.

I think I have a way to make it the way, that Shlomi doesn't talk about his problem, but Ilana makes him to.

				ILANA
		What a lovely view, isn’t it?

				SHLOMI
		I’m sure it’s no less beautiful from
		down here.

				ILANA
		It’s almost sunset. Wanna watch it 
		with me?

				SHLOMI (nervous)
		Y… yeah… sure… 

He nervously steps forward, slow and carefully.

				ILANA
		So, how’s it going with that girl,
		Meital was her name?

				SHLOMI
		It’s… it’s getting better… I think… 

Ilana bursts into tears. The chair rocks. Shlomi races forward.

INT. BALCONY - DAY

				ILANA
		Step back!

She leans on the leg that is on the ledge. Shlomi stops.

				SHLOMI
		There must be another way! Let’s go to
		the office and talk, okay? If it won’t 
		work… go on watching your sunset.

				ILANA
		You think I’m stupid?! Seriously, you 
		men are all the same! You pretend to
		be nice, but all you want is sex!...
		and cars… and football… and… 

				SHLOMI (interrupts)
		I’m not sure what you mean, but you
		know me! I’m not like that! Well… at 
		least… it’s not like that with her.

				ILANA
		“It’s not about sex, it’s about 
		personality”... Blah, blah, blah… 

				SHLOMI
		Look, I wasn’t honest in our previous
		sessions...

I really think that the structure is getting better, but the 'meat' of the film - the 'treatment' part of the scene - still does not read well, and the progression through it just seems random instead of earned at all.

I actually made the progression very tight to the "Journey" formula.

- Inciting incident
Shlomi is left to watch Ilana, who stands on the chair at the balcony.

- Crossing the threshold
At first Shlomi thinks he can just stand there, but then Ilana puts her leg on the ledge. He understands he has to take action.

- Mid point
Shlomi manages to take Ilana down from the ledge, thinking the problem is solved. Now he only needs to win some time with her, until help arrives.

- Learning, exploring, changing priorities
Shlomi learns Ilana's problem. During the conversation, Shlomi understands how miserable Ilana is, and feels terrible that Ilana is going to be taken to a hospital after a help arrives.

- "All is lost" point
The help that the receptionist has brought didn't help, and actually made it worse. All Shlomi's efforts to get her off the ledge were in vain - she climbs up again.

- Attempt to solve the conflict without undergoing a change
Shlomi tries to convince her get down from the ledge using the information she has given him, but fails.

- Solving the conflict by undergoing a change
Shlomi climbs up on the ledge, threatening to jump if she jumps. It scares Ilana. Shlomi says Meital to "f*ck herself" on the phone - he changes. It inspires Ilana to get down from the ledge.

- Revelation
After Shlomi leaves we learn the truth.

 

[maz]

That version does work a little better.

I was actually praising your structure, but not the content. I'm sure it meets all the requirements of various screenwriting structural formulae, but it almost seems that's all it is. You have the set points you want to have in the structure and then characters freestyling randomly to fill in the gaps until the next turning point arrives. None of it feels remotely real or even substantial enough to be satisfyingly absurd - which is a problem as the 'treatment' (p3-p is at the core of the whole script and, for me, it fails.

 

[Inarius]

I think I can fix it by having the actors I select act out the scene. I'll give them goals, I'll give them turn points, I'll tell them what to talk about, and they'll do what they can to achieve their goals. I heard such methods help a lot.