I would love your feedback. This is my first screenplay. Any and all ideas for improvement would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your time. Bruce
INT. JAKE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Jake, High School Junior, sitting at his desk studying. Camera pans the desk showing S.A.T. study books and a full cup of coffee and desk clock showing 6:30pm. He receives a text on his cell phone “HUGE KEG PARTY TONIGHT @ THE FIELD”. Jake replies “CAN’T GO PULLING ALL NIGHTER 4 TOMORROWS S.A.T.”.
CLOSE UP OF STUDY BOOK & FADE OUT:
Of Jake turning the page from 10 to 11
FADE IN & CLOSE UP OF DESK CLOCK:
Time 8pm. Camera pans the desk showing S.A.T. study books, half empty cup of coffee pause camera on study book showing page 30. Pan up to Jake’s face nodding and fighting sleep then camera pans down to study book.
CLOSE UP OF STUDY BOOK & FADE OUT:
Of Jake turning the page from 30 to 31
FADE IN & CLOSE UP OF DESK CLOCK:
Time 10pm. Camera pans the desk showing S.A.T. study books, an empty cup of coffee pause camera on study book showing page 36. Pan up to Jake’s face nodding and about to fall asleep. As Jake is about to fall asleep he quickly and frustrated stands up and walks to dresser. Opens sock drawer and pulls a pill bottle out of a pair of socks. Jake carries the pill bottle back to his desk and opens it. Camera pans down into the bottle showing two pills remaining.
Jake
(talking to himself, frustrated)
The biggest test of my life and I can’t stay awake, and now I’m popping speed at my own house when
my parents are downstairs.
CUT TO:
EXT. FIELD PARTY – NIGHT
Jake’s friend Steve and another guy are standing by some parked cars, looking towards a bonfire where Jake’s girlfriend Alice is sitting with another guy’s arm around her. Steve pulls his cell phone out of his pocket to make a call.
Steve
Jake you need to get here ASAP John is hitting on your girlfriend.
Jake
What do you mean?
Steve
They’ve been drinking and talking all night and now they are at the bonfire with his arm around her.
Jake
(Pissed off)
I’m going to kick his ass.
Jake hangs up and looks at his desk clock and notices that it’s 10:30pm.
Steve
(With a mischievous smirk tells to his friend)
This is going to be fun.
INT. JAKE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Jake hangs up his cell phone, appears to be more awake and angry, throws on a jacket and sneaks out of his room and down the stairs to the kitchen. Parents are in the family room, dad asleep on the sofa and mom sitting on the chair watching TV. Jake grabs his car keys and sneaks out the front door.
INT.JAKE’S CAR – NIGHT
Jake is anxious, driving in a hurry to the field party. While driving he receives a text message, it’s a picture of his Alice sitting on a log with John’s arm around her. Jake is now extremely angry, slams his fist on the dash and speeds up.
He drives up to a field where the cars are parked, looking from side to side, as if he is looking for his girlfriend’s car. A group of three people catch his eye standing at a parked car as he is driving by. While driving he looks back over his shoulder because they appear to him as mannequins. While looking back he hears a thump and his car rides over a bump. Jake slams on his brakes and throws his car into park and steps out to see what he hit. Jake sees that he ran over and smashed a lifeless mannequin. In panic Jake looks to see if anyone saw what he did. He sees the mannequins who caught his attention the first time, but now only one, the girl, is standing at the car and the other two mannequins, both male, are halfway between where they were and his car as if they are moving towards him. Jake looks in another direction and sees another group of mannequins, one on her cell phone. Now he looks back and the two mannequins are now only 5 feet from him. Jake panics and runs towards the bonfire where he sees lifeless
mannequins everywhere, he finds a mannequin that looks like his girlfriend, wearing his school letter jacket, kissing another mannequin. Jake pushes the guy mannequin into the bonfire and turns towards his girlfriend. Now a group of 6 guy mannequins, one holding a baseball bat, are all standing around him as if they were going after him. Jake grabs the baseball bat out of the mannequin’s hands and swings at him knocking his head off. Then he swings and beats all the other lifeless guy mannequins to the ground. When he finishes he sees a parked police car with lights on and siren blowing about 20 feet from him with two police mannequins in it. Jake now turns to face his girlfriend with baseball bat in hand when he gets tackled from behind and handcuffed by the two police officers (real people). When Jake comes to and opens his eye’s he sees the baseball bat is laying on the ground in front of his face with blood all over it.
While the police are walking him to the police car Jake sees all the people who he thought were lifeless mannequins laying on the ground were actually his classmates with blood everywhere. As the police car is leaving Jake sees the EMS arriving.
FADE TO BLACK:
Title “Don’t do Drugs” appear on the scene like a police blotter then underneath it shows the following text.
Jake was tried as an adult and sentenced to life in prison without parole for the murders of 4 classmates and friends including his best friend Steve.
FADE IN & CLOSE UP OF DESK CLOCK:
Time 6:59am. Camera pans the desk showing Jake a sleep with head resting on S.A.T. study book, empty cup of coffee. Pause camera on Jake sleeping with head on study book. Alarm rings and awakes Jake and when he lifts his head off the study book we see that he is on page 74. Pan up to desk clock showing the time as 7:00am. Pan to Jake’s face looking confused he checks his hands and clothes for blood. He sees the pill bottle on his desk and looks inside. Camera pans into the pill bottle showing the two pills still remaining. Jake gets up and goes to the bathroom and flushes the pills down the toilet.
FADE TO BLACK:
Movie credits roll.
End
INT. JAKE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Jake, High School Junior, sitting at his desk studying. Camera pans the desk showing S.A.T. study books and a full cup of coffee and desk clock showing 6:30pm. He receives a text on his cell phone “HUGE KEG PARTY TONIGHT @ THE FIELD”. Jake replies “CAN’T GO PULLING ALL NIGHTER 4 TOMORROWS S.A.T.”.
CLOSE UP OF STUDY BOOK & FADE OUT:
Of Jake turning the page from 10 to 11
FADE IN & CLOSE UP OF DESK CLOCK:
Time 8pm. Camera pans the desk showing S.A.T. study books, half empty cup of coffee pause camera on study book showing page 30. Pan up to Jake’s face nodding and fighting sleep then camera pans down to study book.
CLOSE UP OF STUDY BOOK & FADE OUT:
Of Jake turning the page from 30 to 31
FADE IN & CLOSE UP OF DESK CLOCK:
Time 10pm. Camera pans the desk showing S.A.T. study books, an empty cup of coffee pause camera on study book showing page 36. Pan up to Jake’s face nodding and about to fall asleep. As Jake is about to fall asleep he quickly and frustrated stands up and walks to dresser. Opens sock drawer and pulls a pill bottle out of a pair of socks. Jake carries the pill bottle back to his desk and opens it. Camera pans down into the bottle showing two pills remaining.
Jake
(talking to himself, frustrated)
The biggest test of my life and I can’t stay awake, and now I’m popping speed at my own house when
my parents are downstairs.
CUT TO:
EXT. FIELD PARTY – NIGHT
Jake’s friend Steve and another guy are standing by some parked cars, looking towards a bonfire where Jake’s girlfriend Alice is sitting with another guy’s arm around her. Steve pulls his cell phone out of his pocket to make a call.
Steve
Jake you need to get here ASAP John is hitting on your girlfriend.
Jake
What do you mean?
Steve
They’ve been drinking and talking all night and now they are at the bonfire with his arm around her.
Jake
(Pissed off)
I’m going to kick his ass.
Jake hangs up and looks at his desk clock and notices that it’s 10:30pm.
Steve
(With a mischievous smirk tells to his friend)
This is going to be fun.
INT. JAKE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Jake hangs up his cell phone, appears to be more awake and angry, throws on a jacket and sneaks out of his room and down the stairs to the kitchen. Parents are in the family room, dad asleep on the sofa and mom sitting on the chair watching TV. Jake grabs his car keys and sneaks out the front door.
INT.JAKE’S CAR – NIGHT
Jake is anxious, driving in a hurry to the field party. While driving he receives a text message, it’s a picture of his Alice sitting on a log with John’s arm around her. Jake is now extremely angry, slams his fist on the dash and speeds up.
He drives up to a field where the cars are parked, looking from side to side, as if he is looking for his girlfriend’s car. A group of three people catch his eye standing at a parked car as he is driving by. While driving he looks back over his shoulder because they appear to him as mannequins. While looking back he hears a thump and his car rides over a bump. Jake slams on his brakes and throws his car into park and steps out to see what he hit. Jake sees that he ran over and smashed a lifeless mannequin. In panic Jake looks to see if anyone saw what he did. He sees the mannequins who caught his attention the first time, but now only one, the girl, is standing at the car and the other two mannequins, both male, are halfway between where they were and his car as if they are moving towards him. Jake looks in another direction and sees another group of mannequins, one on her cell phone. Now he looks back and the two mannequins are now only 5 feet from him. Jake panics and runs towards the bonfire where he sees lifeless
mannequins everywhere, he finds a mannequin that looks like his girlfriend, wearing his school letter jacket, kissing another mannequin. Jake pushes the guy mannequin into the bonfire and turns towards his girlfriend. Now a group of 6 guy mannequins, one holding a baseball bat, are all standing around him as if they were going after him. Jake grabs the baseball bat out of the mannequin’s hands and swings at him knocking his head off. Then he swings and beats all the other lifeless guy mannequins to the ground. When he finishes he sees a parked police car with lights on and siren blowing about 20 feet from him with two police mannequins in it. Jake now turns to face his girlfriend with baseball bat in hand when he gets tackled from behind and handcuffed by the two police officers (real people). When Jake comes to and opens his eye’s he sees the baseball bat is laying on the ground in front of his face with blood all over it.
While the police are walking him to the police car Jake sees all the people who he thought were lifeless mannequins laying on the ground were actually his classmates with blood everywhere. As the police car is leaving Jake sees the EMS arriving.
FADE TO BLACK:
Title “Don’t do Drugs” appear on the scene like a police blotter then underneath it shows the following text.
Jake was tried as an adult and sentenced to life in prison without parole for the murders of 4 classmates and friends including his best friend Steve.
FADE IN & CLOSE UP OF DESK CLOCK:
Time 6:59am. Camera pans the desk showing Jake a sleep with head resting on S.A.T. study book, empty cup of coffee. Pause camera on Jake sleeping with head on study book. Alarm rings and awakes Jake and when he lifts his head off the study book we see that he is on page 74. Pan up to desk clock showing the time as 7:00am. Pan to Jake’s face looking confused he checks his hands and clothes for blood. He sees the pill bottle on his desk and looks inside. Camera pans into the pill bottle showing the two pills still remaining. Jake gets up and goes to the bathroom and flushes the pills down the toilet.
FADE TO BLACK:
Movie credits roll.
End
As a short film, I thought it was good. Kids using meth (speed/crank/ice) aren't going to take this seriously. It doesn't relate to what they feel or their experiences. As a licensed substance abuse counselor, this isn't what meth users share as their first experiences. With XTC (MDMA), LSD, Ketamine (Special K), PCP (Angel Dust) and Sherm stix (THC/PCP), the active hallucinogens, yes. Cocaine and meth, as stimulants, don't tend to induce hallucinations in first time users but a sense of euphoria due to the dopamine release. The paranoia results down the road as serotonin and dopamine reserves are extremely depleted in the brain. I'm not saying this to take away from the movie. I enjoyed it. Just realize that while it tells a good story, it's not realistic. The teen audience is more savvy than you think. 
