Premature Death (short script)

[Adeimantus]

So, I was bored and tossed this off (so to speak) in about an hour. Probably shows. I don't know how good I am at low-brow teen humor. Probably suck. Anyways...

Title: The Premature Death by Waffle Iron of Stanley K. Wachowski
Genre: Comedy???
Pages: 13

This is a student-film PARODY. As in "satire." Do not take it seriously. In fact, you probably shouldn't take it at all. *sigh*

Log Line: Devastated when his girlfriend breaks up with him, Stanley Wachowski asks his best bud, a film student, to film his suicide.

http://www.politikonzoon.com/PrematureDeath.pdf


-charles

 

[barnaclelapse]

I thought you had some pretty good dialog going on there. I'm not sure why, but I got a big kick out of that whole "High Concept" exchange near the beginning.

The story was pretty solid as well.

I really can't think of any big suggestions to offer.

 

[insert_cliche_here]

that is fucking brilliant! i actually laughed, out loud, on several occasions! i especially liked Melissa referring to Stans' suicide as 'charitably removing his recessive genes from the general population'. if this is what you come up with in an hour when you're bored i'd love to see what you do when you really get into it

 

[Buddy Greenfield]

I like it for a throw together, but if it wasn’t one, then I would have to say the leads are samey and parts of the dialogue are barely disguising you writing behind them.

EDIT: Elaboration on the disguising-

If you take a few steps back from the creation of it and (for example) look at Melissa, you might see that (granted) her character is brief, but (at the same time) the short duration only amplifies the way she sounds less like a character and more like a vehicle for very manufactured dialogue to pass through. The bump in that road in more extreme instances can lean the script on two wheels and have it teetering on the edge of becoming its own character, a character basically whispering “Pay no attention to the man behind the green curtain.” -as opposed to being the non-entity medium through which we witness moments in time unfold with story.

Don’t get me wrong I like the story here and evidenced by other stuff I've read of yours (And I only notice this by way of contrast to other stuff I’ve read of yours) you can write solid dialogue no problem, this one (I assume by) being a quickie seems to have a few thumb prints left in the wet paint is all.



-Thanks-

 

[Adeimantus]

that is fucking brilliant!

that is fucking brilliant!

that is fucking brilliant!

Oops. Appears to be a malfunction with the quote button. (Thanks, Insert)

Barnacle, thanks for the feedback!

Budyy, am replying on my Blackberry so can't type much, but thanks for the astute observations. If I decide to do anything with this I will retreat further behind my chars.

Thanks folks!

-Charles