Following is the list of things, which are incorrect in your screenplay:
1) Even if it’s a draft, always write the name of movie and the writer on the first page.
2) It’s “you’re or you are” and not “your thank you.”
3) Another grammatical mistake; “its” is correct, and not “it’s tip.”
4) “Who like stalks children” doesn’t make any sense.
5) A lot of punctuation problems.
6) “Some moments man overcomes great difficulties” is not a good line at all.
7) “The nurse leaves back in the Brendan takes out a cigarette” doesn’t make any sense
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In short, you have a lot of problems related to English. If you read the scripts of professional script writers, you’ll find that their command on English is too good. They have a rich vocab, they know the basics of punctuation. You really have to work hard on that.
The scene of Shelly and her fiance was out of the blue and served no purpose whatsoever.
The way you’ve described Brendan till now gives the impression of an almost serious person who won’t say “Greetings jack”, even with sarcasm.
To be honest, I was not able to follow the script. First things first, why was the parking of hospital empty? I’ve never seen something like that. Second, why was he on wheelchair if he could walk properly? Who were the gangsters and that dark figure?
You have to work hard on this script and also on your language.
Why don’t you tell us the story in a single paragraph here? Maybe we can help you out.
I'm sorry if I came out harsh, but I think you should know these things.
