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watch Poptent Submission - Breast Cancer

Short, sweet and simple, I liked it! Felt the music was a little bit grating at the beginning, but that might be more a consequence of having only just got up ;)
 
chilipie said:
Short, sweet and simple, I liked it! Felt the music was a little bit grating at the beginning, but that might be more a consequence of having only just got up ;)
Click to expand...

I think you're right about the music. I might just change it up a bit. Good advice!!!

Sincerely appreciated.
Aveek

Edit: Updated for grating sound beginning.
 
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I would have gone with some phrases that had less connotations of conflict. Also I would have added "your" to make it more personal. Then ended with "I am woman." Maybe something like:

I am your mother

I am your daughter

I am your sister

I am your wife

I am your lover

I am your friend

I am woman

I imagine you've already submitted, so I guess this is all academic.:)
 
Murdock said:
I would have gone with some phrases that had less connotations of conflict. Also I would have added "your" to make it more personal. Then ended with "I am woman." Maybe something like:

I am your mother

I am your daughter

I am your sister

I am your wife

I am your lover

I am your friend

I am woman

I imagine you've already submitted, so I guess this is all academic.:)
Click to expand...

You know... I think you're right. Yours does 'feel' better somehow. I was going confrontational kind of, with that music and everything. But alas, it is academic at this point as the deadline has expired.
Fingers crossed!!!
 
I agree that the music is very jarring at the beginning. To be honest, I almost stopped watching.

But I went on...I like the message. I agree that phrases with more conflict might work better. Or, if they stay as-is, try adding I am "a" mother, "a" whatever.

Grammar Police lol

But, a nice message and nice production values. Good luck with it.
 
I just saw the other entries. They're real tearjerkers, some of them. So I don't think I'm going to make the cut. It's a learning process,... they say...

Edit: The music by the way was even more jarring before this version. I thought it would have a different effect than it has :(
 
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