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Please Critique My Comedy Script

S

sm95

Hey guys, i'm new here so sorry if I'm not following appropriate customs. Was just hoping that somebody could give me some feedback on my comedy tv script? It's not a final polish so just really looking for any comments on like the first 5-10 pages, and specifically the dialogue. Extremely appreciative for any help people may be able to provide.
Thanks

http://www.docdroid.net/rc0r/kid-life-crisis-3.pdf.html
 
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The formatting is wrong, the story drags with nothing happening and the dialogue was rather uninspired. It wasn't funny to me. I didn't find anything that came across as comedy. As a basic rule for television, you need a teaser of 2-3 pages that really catches the reader. Every five pages there should be a minor conflict and every 10-12 pages a major conflict.

As for the formatting, you had passages in all CAPS. Just no. You didn't properly describe the montage in the beginning. You didn't properly indicate the flashback sequence. In short, if I received this, it would be passed after the first three pages.

It didn't work for me. Others may feel differently but a five page phone conversation is not a good start for a comedy pilot. More importantly, the characters are rather flat and unlikeable. Again, just my opinion, but you need do a bit more develop in the beginning.

Lead off with Jacob getting in to a situation and calling Logan. Then go the bedroom scene. Make Logan more likeable and less a prick. I mean Logan would just casually chat about dating the Woo girls or his conquests with the girl next to him in bed. That just makes him seem exceedingly shallow and cardboard. Are they roommates, college friends? It's not clear what their relationship is. Overall, the character development isn't there. You describe them but don't develop them. Just quick notes. Good luck
 
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Thanks for taking the time to read it buddy! I'm extremely amateur as you can tell so just looking to adapt how to write a screenplay that is actually decent right now. Really appreciate the comments will work on that!
 
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Possibly it's because I'm a Brit, but I'd disagree and say there were at least three or four funny LOL lines in there. The rest was, as FSF said, not too well structured, and I didn't believe in any of the characters (even though one of them is basically me). The formatting was also very annoying.

Have I got it right that you're English and writing a comedy about the USA? That would possibly explain why it's a bit off.

Also (and this is a personal pet hate, so feel free to ignore it) the constant pop culture references are tedious. I know they're how network comedies are done these days, but I find it really boring.

So much of the rest of the script seems to me that you've watched a lot of recent hangout comedies and just taken bits you liked from them and thrown them into a script, without giving any regard for why those comedies work in the first place.

Also also, welcome to IndieTalk :)
 
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Yeah haha i'm a brit so that could explain that. I have a couple of other ideas ready to begin work on, so do you think it best to abandon this one now, or is it more my writing style and formatting that need work in terms if this particular one?
 
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I know my comments may sound harsh, I don't mean to dissuade you. What makes Jacob fun? That's what you need to show the audience. What makes Logan less of a prick? Your story wanders. First Jacob's lamenting his life. Then he's discussing getting a roommate. You need to clearly identify what the challenge for the episode is. It's not clear at the start that Logan doesn't live alone. That they share the apartment. You don't say that until p. 6. If this is a comedy, don't start off with negatives. For me, Jacob comes across as a whiner. Logan as shallow, cardboard, sex addict. You want to make your viewers immediately interested in learning more about your characters, not want to flip the channel.

If the issue is paying rent, raise that issue in the beginning. Jacob can start off the phone conversation about the rent. Brainstorm about getting a roommate. Don't even bring in his life issues at first. Explore that later. Maybe make Logan trying to find his cellphone hidden among the pile of clothes thrown about from their wild striptease. Pausing to hold up a bra before tossing it and finding the phone. He might pull on a bathrobe and have bunny slippers. Whatever. He would whisper. Make it clear he's a player but has some very human flaws. As a player he's going to want to keep her interested in him, so he's not going to be blatantly stupid in his comments. When Jacob starts into his negativity, have the girl beckon Logan back to bed. Logan casually drops the phone back into a pile of clothes and rejoins her. Cut back to Jacob asking Logan if he's there, hearing giggling and hanging up. Now you've set up the dynamics, the conflict and ready to move forward. All that "Jack off phase" and whiner talk needs to come later.

But do get a good book on screenwriting format. Caps have very defined rules for use. When you don't follow the accepted format, it just makes a professional reader more critical of the rest of the work. I'm not saying that all of your dialogue was bad. Just there wasn't enough interesting material to hold my attention the way it is currently written.
 
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sm95 said:
Yeah haha i'm a brit so that could explain that. I have a couple of other ideas ready to begin work on, so do you think it best to abandon this one now, or is it more my writing style and formatting that need work in terms if this particular one?
Click to expand...

It depends - if this project is something you are passionate about, then stick with it. If it's just something that is like the stuff you've been watching lately, then maybe start a new project - or move this one to London, where you wouldn't be so dependent on ideas taken second-hand from TV. I can't see any reason for this story to be set in the USA particularly, other than the frat stuff, but that is a distraction more than anything else. I guess if you set it in England people will mention how it's quite a similar idea to The Inbetweeners :)

But whatever you do, if you're going to ask people for feedback then download a free screenwriting tool and format it all properly - it's courtesy if nothing else :)
 
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FSF, don't be silly I was completely expecting comments of the like, so appreciative that you've even taken some of your time to read and offer your opinions on it! I will definitely take what you've said on board.
Maz - This is actually my first ever screenplay, purely written to just get myself started. A vantage point so that I can learn the ropes and continue writing to a better standard. I understand your points about this particular idea. About the screenwriting tool, being downloaded as we speak :)
 
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sm95 said:
FSF, don't be silly I was completely expecting comments of the like, so appreciative that you've even taken some of your time to read and offer your opinions on it! I will definitely take what you've said on board.
Maz - This is actually my first ever screenplay, purely written to just get myself started. A vantage point so that I can learn the ropes and continue writing to a better standard. I understand your points about this particular idea. About the screenwriting tool, being downloaded as we speak :)
Click to expand...

In that case I look forward to the next one :) Despite everything else wrong with the script, you got some laughs out of me, so that's good...
 
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1. Description does NOT go in capitals.

2. Guy is slang.

3. Makes love? Is this a prono?

4. TELEPHONE not PHONE

5. Why the blank line after No compalints...?

6. i'm should be I'm

7. HUGE MONOLOGUES - WOO! LOUSY!

8. (beat) is a paentheitcal that goes ion a line of its own

9. CUTTING HIM OFF is an action not an adverrbial style of speech.

10. Serio... Another chronic Alzheimer victim? (Should be a hyphen to end with and a hyphen to open new line with)

11. Parentheticals are missaligned too far to the left.

12. It says LOGAN girl... are we talking about a 5 year old? Is Jacob some sort of Jimmy Savile figure?

13. Sluglines should not be underlined.

14. Blank lines all over the place.

15. (LOOKS CONFUSED) is an ACTION not a style of speech.

16. STUCK UP is coarse slang.

17. Stage diections should not be in capitals.

18. (IN DISTANCE) should be (in b.g.)

19. Just when are the jokes supposed to start?

OK, as much as I wanted to , I really cannot physically read this. It is a total dog's dinner. These long monologues are utter killers.

Unless you are high on acid, it is hard to see how it is possible to sit through this utterly vacuous tripe.
 
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