I was intrigued with the concept but wanted to take it in a slightly different direction. Since most of the comments seemed to be from UK folk, I thought I would make a good setting. Though the protagonist is a spunky American female journalist.
Sharing it with another screenwriting group, I received some positive suggestions that I've incorporated. This update, revised script is at the link below.
PS: For those in the UK, since the decimalization of the pound, how do you refer to the smaller amounts? 0.25 = 25 pence? a quarter pound? Curious so I can be more correct in the future.
PPS: Yes, I know, it's 20 pages. Development, to me, is half the drama.
I like it, it reminds me of an episode of the Outer Limits.
The only thing that I don't get is why Clarence would tell a reporter about his conspiracy. Wouldn't she ruin the whole operation if she got out alive?
But I guess the ending mitigates that problem. Good start.
PS: For those in the UK, since the decimalization of the pound, how do you refer to the smaller amounts? 0.25 = 25 pence? a quarter pound? Curious so I can be more correct in the future.
This was certainly a very different way of looking at the subject!
I think it found its feet about half way through (I only read the second draft) once they were at the research facility. Because that took up such a chunk of the script the first few scenes seemed perhaps a little superfluous. I actually don't think they are superfluous, I would just have preferred Lisa to have had more development before she went to the facility. It seems as though she was reporting on the lottery and then visiting the top secret facility with nothing in between. Perhaps she could have received an anonymous tip off that something strange was afoot? Perhaps we could have had another scene of her arguing with her producer about getting an interview at the facility, simply so that we could know that she was interested in the subject before hand.
I was also intrigued by the way you dealt with the lottery, simply because I assumed you would have got with the same 'version' as the rest of us. But your lottery is equally intriguing although I'm not sure I 100% understood the purpose of it. In order to get a ticket you need to sign up as an organ donor, right? Then you donate regardless of whether you win or not?
And the winners are impregnated? Or is it that the winners have sons who are harvested? If so what will happen to Lisa as a winner and why does she agree to it?
That bit wasn't entirely clear to me and I think might need reworking just so that it's crystal clear what the nature of the draw is.
Other than that it was an interesting twist on the subject! You certainly justified your username with the Sci Fi twist. And the harvesting plant is an alarming, visual idea (I was picturing something like the blood harvester in that terrible vampire film Daybreakers)...
I think it found its feet about half way through (I only read the second draft) once they were at the research facility. Because that took up such a chunk of the script the first few scenes seemed perhaps a little superfluous. I actually don't think they are superfluous, I would just have preferred Lisa to have had more development before she went to the facility. It seems as though she was reporting on the lottery and then visiting the top secret facility with nothing in between. Perhaps she could have received an anonymous tip off that something strange was afoot? Perhaps we could have had another scene of her arguing with her producer about getting an interview at the facility, simply so that we could know that she was interested in the subject before hand.
I like your ideas. And I rushed a bit. I would have liked to convey that Lisa didn't suspect anything but was simply following up on a Health Ministry lottery. The real tipoff comes when Marla slips. I intentionally wanted the viewer to learn about it with Lisa. The ministry agent just wants to add an air of legitimacy to the lottery. It's not so much meant to be 'top secret' as much as come across as exclusive. Your points, though, suggest areas that I need to work on.
I was also intrigued by the way you dealt with the lottery, simply because I assumed you would have got with the same 'version' as the rest of us. But your lottery is equally intriguing although I'm not sure I 100% understood the purpose of it. In order to get a ticket you need to sign up as an organ donor, right? Then you donate regardless of whether you win or not?
Again I wasn't clear. I tend to write long, so I intentionally cut back. And that was a mistake. This is just a general lottery. I should have a scene where people are buying tickets at the market or anywhere. In this case, they can get a free ticket by making a donation of blood or signing up as an organ donor. It was just meant as an incentive. "... Just for this month, if you ..." I would like to have a billboard posted, "Do you know someone who needs our services? Buy a lottery ticket today and support the Health Ministry"
And the winners are impregnated? Or is it that the winners have sons who are harvested? If so what will happen to Lisa as a winner and why does she agree to it?
That bit wasn't entirely clear to me and I think might need reworking just so that it's crystal clear what the nature of the draw is.
Yes. This is a very one-sided lottery where the winners are treated like royalty for a year. And if they are so lucky at the end of sixteen years, to be fairly compensated for their 'loss'. Only a handful of people are uniquely qualified to provide the needed 'organs' to sustain a population. And I suppose individuals who win could decline before involvement in the procedure, but it would mean forfeiting a potential one million pounds.
Yeah, I could do it more justice in 30 pages. As for films that inspired me, check out
A Boy and His Dog
. A dark romp.
Thanks for you insightful, and appreciated comments.
Hey, Nick. I took your suggestions and massaged everything a bit to incorporate your concerns. When you have a moment, check it out to see if this helps to clarify the plot.
The interview was blatant exposition and lacked drama.
Having someone watch it on TV also lacks drama. She has to resort to throwing the remote controller to try and mask that not much is really happening.
If it just started on page 4, we would at least have the question if Lisa the reporter is supposed to be there at all and if she could be caught for some wrongdoing at any moment.
But alas, no. That's not what's happening. There's just exposition about this system instead of feeling and seeing it in action.
How much more powerful to just have a mother pushing a wheelchair with a sick child down the road, and up the stairs into the ministry, only to be confronted by security guards, etc. ? Where's the story? Cut the exposition and have a character go through the journey -- not talk about it.
The interview was blatant exposition ... There's just exposition about this system instead of feeling and seeing it in action. ... How much more powerful to just have a mother pushing a wheelchair with a sick child down the road, and up the stairs into the ministry, only to be confronted by security guards, etc. ? Where's the story? Cut the exposition and have a character go through the journey -- not talk about it.
ROTFLMAO! Thank you for not taking the time to read it. If you had read it to the end, you might have seen that your comments have no relation to the story line. Do you even know what it's about ... or are you just guessing? I favor the latter.
Your comments are appreciated and will be taken under advisement.
As a writer, if your audience can put it down, you've faltered (not failed, this is a rough draft) in your approach. I personally don't even read a word until I've flipped through the script looking for the dialog/action balance visually... If they found too much exposition at the outset, there's really no reason to read further.
The reactions (plural) to your story are good, all saying the same thing, the beginning is slow. This probably points to a weak beginning - not a ROTFLMFAO moment for you.
I haven't read this yet, but the reaction you had to the reader (who obviously spent time thinking about what they had read and took the time to let you know about it) was too strong... it won't help your script.
Attacking an audience member is unhelpful as it may impede potential readers from giving honest feedback lest they be attacked.
I'll try and give the second draft a read some time soon. It would be helpful if you could tell me which bits you've changed (I see you've changed the beginning, for example) so that I can avoiding reading the whole thing again....
I appreciate and value criticism and feedback, but only from professionals who actually take the time to review the whole script. On the opposite side, overly harsh comments can stifle postings by writers--especially new writers.
If one is not willing to read a project through, then simply state: "This beginning was really hard for me. I can't follow it." I read and review pieces outside of this group. I don't make stuff up because I choose not to read past page 5. In fact, I force myself to read to the end to give the author the benefit of the doubt--to see his/her vision before commenting. I know that's not 'industry practice'. If I can't say anything beneficial about a script, I pass. It's probably just not my style.
I appreciate the legitimate comments and feedback I've received. I have a much polished final draft as a result. 'Drive-by critiques' are not defensible in my opinion. Though everyone should have the right to comment.
I stand by my statement: "His comments are appreciated and will be taken under advisement. "
I'll try and give the second draft a read some time soon. It would be helpful if you could tell me which bits you've changed (I see you've changed the beginning, for example) so that I can avoiding reading the whole thing again....
I took a lot of your points to clean up the concepts and reworked the beginning to highlight Lisa's role. It has passed through many re-writes since the most recent posted version. There are some minor changes in the later parts, but nothing too substantive. I have mostly focused on cleaning up the first section.
Mostly the intention was to make the lottery acceptably innocuous without going into detailed explanation. That comes out in the second half when she tours the building. She was a little 2D so I explored her a bit more in the later re-writes (not posted). I wasn't satisfied with her reaction in the end.
Thanks for the feedback!
Only a handful of people are uniquely qualified to provide the needed 'organs' to sustain a population. And I suppose individuals who win could decline before involvement in the procedure, but it would mean forfeiting a potential one million pounds. 
As for films that inspired me, check out
