Part of Clown car let me know what you think

[donniker137]

EXT. ROAD -- NIGHT

The clown car is seen driving away, the circus can be seen in the distance.

RUNT
I have three hundred dollars and I am going to change my life.

EXT. GAS STATION -- LATER

RUNT is seen filling up the clown car.

RUNT
I didn't make it very far due to the fact that this custom made clown car only holds less than a gallon of gas.

A cop car pulls into the gas station. RUNT not phased by them finishes filling the car and goes inside to pay. COP #1 walks over to the car, uses his flashlight to get a better look. RUNT makes his way back to the car. COP #1 is blocking the door, he pushes by the cop.

RUNT
Excuse me.

COP #1
Running away from the circus pal?

RUNT
Yeah, how did you know?

COP #1
Just a hunch, have you been drinking clown?

RUNT
Drinking beer? Yeah I had a few.

COP #1
What's a few?

RUNT
Twelve.

COP #1
Really? You know that's against the law?

RUNT
I mean nine, I had eight.

RUNT starts up the car, it backfires a few times and begins to drive away. COP #2 turns the flashing lights on the car. COP #1 is still near the car, pokes his head inside the car.

COP #1
Pull over!

RUNT
Who me?

COP #1
Yes you.

RUNT
What did I do? The drinking? I'm almost positive it's legal. What state are we in?

COP #1
I said pull over!

RUNT still driving slowly.

RUNT
I didn't do anything.

COP #1
Just pull the car over before I hurt myself!

RUNT
Hang on a sec.

Stops car, doesn't put in park.

RUNT
I didn't do anything.

COP #1
I am going to need to see your licence and registration.

RUNT
Well I don't have that shit.

COP #1
Please step out of the car.

RUNT opens the door of the car and begins to get out the car begins rolling away he jumps back in and by accident steps on the gas. Cop #2 hit the siren on the car. RUNT stops the car and shuts it off.

RUNT
Sorry, my first time.

COP #1
I am going to have to put you under arrest. Please put your hands behind your back. You have the right...

The cop is interrupted by the surprise appearance of DEVIN with out his clown get up.

DEVIN
I'll take it from here copper. He's my clown. Runt what were you thinking?

DEVIN slaps RUNT.

COP #1
Sir you will need to not be doing that. Now step away.

DEVIN
No I'm good, I said I would take it from here. He's going back to be punished, no pay Runt!

DEVIN again slaps RUNT. COP #2 uses the siren again. Cop #1 motions to Cop #2 to join the action.


COP #1
Sir, please, you need to back away, this is police business.

DEVIN
I'm the cat that called you guys in, I'm not pressing any charges.

DEVIN again slaps RUNT. Cop #1 immediately takes his baton out and uses it on DEVIN's head.

DEVIN
Ouch! What the fuck man?

COP #1
Put the clown in the car.

COP #2 does so.

DEVIN
He's coming home with me, stupid fucking cop!

COP #1
Sir, step away from the scene or I will bash your skull in.

DEVIN
You can't just hit me like that! You got rules, you have to follow the rules.

COP #1
Brig me the zapper!

DEVIN in a blink of an eye runs away, he can be seen looking back.

DEVIN
I'll get you Runt!

INT. JAIL -- LATER

RUNT is seen smoking a cigarette, he share the cell with an older looking man by the name of MONROE, his sounds like W.C. Fields. MONROE is reading a book entitled HOW TO ESCAPE FROM A JAIL CELL.

RUNT
I, clown, hate being a clown in jail.

MONROE
Hey can you keep it down clown?

RUNT
You heard that?

MONROE
Heard what? You haven't said anything since you've gotten in here.

RUNT
Oh, sorry.

MONROE
What are you in for?

RUNT
I stole a car, I was drinking. I didn't even know that was against the law.

MONROE
Well drinking isn't. Drinking and driving is. I think stealing a car might be breaking a law as well.

RUNT
Well yeah. You think I'll be here long.

MONROE
Oh yeah, hours.

RUNT
Shit! Why are you here?

MONROE
I killed a man.

RUNT's eyes widen, he puts his head down.

Guard brings two trays of food. The GUARD is a fat Mexican who seems very happy.

GUARD
Here you are clown, here's some food.

RUNT gets up and grabs the trays, hands both to MONROE.

GUARD
Your a clown, that's great! I bet you know how to juggle.

RUNT
Yeah, I do actually. I was wondering if I could be moved to another cell?

GUARD
Know any magic tricks?

RUNT
No, I don't do magic. This guy is dangerous and I really would like to be moved.

GUARD
Dangerous? He didn't pay child support, he's no dangerous.

RUNT
Yeah, plus he killed somebody!

GUARD
Killed someone? Monroe, what are you Billy the Kid?

GUARD walks away laughing.

RUNT
You didn't kill anyone?

MONROE
Not technically.

RUNT grabs the second tray of food back from MONROE.

RUNT
I'm fucking starving.

RUNT begins to eat the food very quickly, not chewing very well.

MONROE
I was married to a woman with face like a dartboard. We had a couple of kids and then she wanted a divorce.

Suddenly RUNT stands up, tears form in the corner of his eyes. He spits the food in his mouth out.

MONROE
Are you choking?

RUNT
No. I hate it when this happens.

MONROE
What's going on?

RUNT begins to spit in the toilet.

RUNT
Sometimes when I eat fast, I get food caught and it won't go down.

MONROE
Well try to get it back up.

RUNT
It's just stuck, it won't.

MONROE
Guard!

RUNT
No that's OK.

Spits in the toilet

MONROE
Why are you spitting?

RUNT
Because if I don't I'll puke. Nothing goes down.

Spits in the toilet, GUARD is seen.

MONROE
Guard!

GUARD
Yeah I'm here. What's going on with him?

MONROE
He's choking!

RUNT
I'm not choking, I just have a bit of food caught, it won't go down.

Spits in the toilet

GUARD
He's not choking, you can't talk when your choking. That's why they got that international sign for choking.

Does the international sign for choking.

GUARD
You know that sign man?

RUNT
I'm not choking

Spits in the toilet.

MONROE
Could I please be moved to a different cell?

GUARD
Man, we don't have a different cell.

Spits in the toilet.

MONROE
Well maybe get him some water. I don't drink the stuff, fish make love in it.

RUNT
Could you two just leave me be? It'll go away it just takes some time.

MONROE
Get him some water.

Spits in the toilet

GUARD
Clown are you choking?

MONROE
Get him some water.

GUARD
Clown I'm going to get you some water!

RUNT
No thanks.

MONROE
Get him some water.

GUARD
I'll be right back.

Spits in the toilet

MONROE
Could you stop spitting? It's a bit gross.

RUNT
If I stop spitting, I'll puke.

MONROE
Fine try to get it into the toilet then. Wipe your face.

RUNT
Just please, let me be for a bit.

MONROE
My aunt once got a chicken bone stuck in her throat, it was there for years.

RUNT sits on the floor next to the toilet. He is now breathing heavy. Now making vomit noises, with no vomit.

MONROE
Get it up buddy. Maybe if I rub your back. I'm not going to, but maybe it would help.

GUARD is seen with water.

GUARD
I got the water!

RUNT
Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrtttttttt aaaaaaarrrrrtttt aaaaarrrrrttttt!

GUARD
Water

RUNT
It'll go down.

INT. JAIL -- LATER

RUNT is wet. He is seen drinking water. This is the first time seeing RUNT without make up. He has wiped most of it off with a wet towel. MONROE is now reading a different book entitled WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?.

MONROE
What the fuck was that man?

Reach me at donniker137@aol.com

 

[donniker137]

I like the cop dropping the flashlight
What if he drops it into runt's car and has to ask him for it back?
Runt begins to bite him not realizing it's a cop
I don't know, maybe it would be funnier if he didn't have a flashlight, maybe a headband light.

 

[lux]

Dropping the flashlight into the car an drunt biting him would be more original but i guess it's up to you whether that's what you want to do. It would definetly suit the style you have created for the film.

 

[donniker137]

Note Runt changes his name to Temple at some point in the movie


INT. BATH ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

TEMPLE is seen with his pants around his ankles reading a magazine. He smiles and lites up a cigarette. TEMPLE farts a few times. He reaches for some toilet paper with the hand that is holding a cigarette and the TP catches on fire. TEMPLE doesn't notice. He begins wiping himself.

INT. OUTSIDE BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS

TEMPLE can be heard screaming. An old man is seen standing by the door, with a towel.

OLD MAN
You want to hurry up in there?

INT. BATH ROOM -- CONTINUOUS

TEMPLE is seen in the shower with most of his clothes on and a wet cigarette hanging from his lips. He seems out of breath.

TEMPLE
Ouch.

INT. OUTSIDE BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Old man is seen again knocking on the door. TEMPLE open the door. His clothes are very wet. He walks with a bit of a limp.

OLD MAN
Are you done? Are you done in there? I have to take a piss like a race horse. My teeth are floating.

TEMPLE
It's all yours buddy, watch turn three.

OLD MAN
Are you some kind of idiot?

 

[Boz Uriel]

Fire? Actual fire from just a cigarette? Hmmmmmm.

 

[donniker137]

It is a comedy. Does everyone know that? If unrealistic things didn't happen in comedy then we wouldn't have comedy.

 

[Satire]

Hi Donniker137:

It made me laugh. The slapstick style humor can be visualized just reading it. You seem to know a lot about clown's feelings and behavior. Did you once work for a carnival or circus? There is as much sadness as humor in your script. The clown wants out. An unhappy clown. Could he be heading for an "I Pagliacci"
tragic ending. Your use of the phrase "I Clown" sets the stage for a parallel tradgedy.

As a screenwriter I encourage you to pursue this clever idea of creating an unhappy clown which by itself is an oxymoron. (Jumbo Shrimp). Clean up the formatting and perfect it . There is no rush, this kind of humor last forever. To bad Abbott and Costello are not still around.

Wishing you as much success as I Pagliacci.

Satire

 

[Shaw]

Cigs are dangerous man! I can see one easily setting fire to some TP. Heck, the things have been known to start forest fires before and that takes a whole lot more effort!

 

[Satire]

The comedy was better without the name change to Temple and this unnecessary fire scene which is not comedy and detracts from the story. Hopefully it is not another "American Pie"

Sometimes a cut makes the story better.

Satire

 

[donniker137]

This is the scene he changes his name, I could do away with it. Maybe make the social worker a smaller part and just quickly run by all that REAL stuff. It will probably just slow the movie down. Thanks for the advice, let me know what you think of the name changing scene.

APRIL
First of all you don't have a birth certificate, or social security card.

RUNT
OK.

APRIL
OK, well let's start with your name.

RUNT
Runt

APRIL
Excuse me?

RUNT
You asked me for my name.

APRIL
Yes

RUNT
Runt

APRIL
Is that your full name?

RUNT
Like a last name?

APRIL
Yes mister Runt, a last name.

RUNT
I'm sorry I had a little food episode in the cell there, I'm a little off right now.

APRIL
That's alright.

RUNT
I do know. My father was Elbert The Flying Midget and my mom was Beatrix The Bearded Monster.

APRIL
Monster?

RUNT
She was seven foot eight, big lady, lots of kids. I was number twenty, when I was born she was sleeping. So can I use The Flying Midget or The Bearded Monster for a last name?

APRIL
I would say no.

RUNT
Well that's all I got lady.

APRIL
How about we start fresh?

RUNT is seen taking off his big red shoes.

RUNT
Killing me.

APRIL
How about you pick your own name?

RUNT
Now that is special isn't? Now that's a good one.

APRIL
Yes it is, you can take your time if you want. It's a very important decision, not too many of us get to make.

RUNT
Anything I want huh?

APRIL
Try to stay away from THE something and I think you'll be OK.

RUNT
TEMPLETON Pepito Rabush, Temple for short.

APRIL
That was quick, where did that come from?

TEMPLE
Just jumped into my brain, I like it! Almost sounds funny. Temple Rabush, I like it.

 

[Satire]

I suggested you get rid of the bathroom scene entirely, it does nothing for the script except slow it down. It has been done too often before.

Now that you explain a need to change the name, Templeton is okay, Pepito is ethnic and also okay and the last name shows little purpose.

Ttry Zyxuxy making it the last word in the dictionary. (purpose) Very Zyxuxy, pronounced Zexy! Initials TPZ, from Trapeze. (circus word)

TEMPLE
Just jumped into my brain, I like it! Almost sounds funny, Sexy at that. I like it.

Choose another name if you like, but give the audience a chance to see some logic behind it as all clowns are not fools.

Satire

 

[donniker137]

How about "Auguste", which means clown in German or French.

April
Auguste?

Runt
French for Clown, need to represent.

Something like that? Or do you think that would be over the audiences head?

 

[Boz Uriel]

You have got to be kidding me about the TP on fire. TP is really dry but come on, just try to set some on fire. All is does make an ever widening rift of faint red light. Flames indeed. Honestly, forest fires start because there is a lot of really dry fuel and conditions are just right. I triple dog dare you to video yourself taking a lit cigarette to some TP and getting it to ignite.

If unrealistic things didn't happen in comedy then we wouldn't have comedy.

What r u joking? Of course it's a comedy but you never said anything about fantasy element. If you're going to make TP ignite in flames from the touch of a cigarette then change the bathroom to an outhouse or port-a-potty, change the TP to a dropped lit match and launch the poor runt out of the shitter when all that built up gas explodes, at least that would be realistic.

You can't seriously expect someone to sit in a theater and watch TP ignite from a cigarette touch and not have that pull them out of their suspended disbelief? Something I thought movie makers avoided at all costs. I'm telling you that flames on TP without some accelerant does not happen in real life, if it happens in your movie then your authenticity is in jeopardy. That's all I'm trying to tell you.

It's only a suggestion anyway. You're the 'writer' if you don't like what I have to say then disregard it and move on. There is absolutely no need to get snotty with someone who's trying to help.

 

[Spatula]

You could set up the TP for flammibility with an earlier scene. Someone could use the washroom, pull out a flask, take a drink and spill it on the TP, or even better, spit it out all over the TP and then wipe himself with his shirt or something.

Just needs to be forshadowed if you want to keep it.

 

[lux]

TP could catch on fire considering the tip of a cigarette can be up to 600 degrees C, but chances are nothing would happen if it just stroked the paper. Maybe if you used a lighter instead you could make it look more realistic.

 

[donniker137]

We can move off this topic I will be cutting that part out. Satire makes a good point, it doesn't help character or story it just brings everything to a halt for a chance at laughter.

Thank you all

.....I do like having someone drop some booze on it though.......

 

[Satire]

Hi Donniker137

It pleases me to se so many people trying to offer you help. I really believe you are on to something worthwhile. If you have never seen the Opera Paliacci, rent it at a video store, it is very short and see for yourself the parallel of your script of the unhappy clown Temple and the clown Paliacci with a happy smiling face while crying inside.

Satire

 

[donniker137]

No I haven't seen the video thanks for the advice, I will go rent it ASAP.

 

[Satire]

Ruggerio Leoncavallo, wrote Pagliacci. The first performance was in 1890. Today most experts ranked it as one of the top ten operas of all time. Philip Goulding, an expert, ranks it #8.

Clowns typically can make you laugh. They are very funny. Your story so far in what I read is comedy. When I said I think you are on to something great, was when you showed your clown as unhappy. With your idea, one could go from slap stick comedy to drama subtly, regain comedy then sock it to em at the end either with comedy or tragedy. You can keep the audience on the edge of their seats, not knowing which way it will go.

If it ends with comedy the joke is on the audience. If it ends with tragedy it is no joke at all and maybe the film will be remembered like Pagliacci, the clown, stlll showing to sold out performances 115 years later.

To paraphrase Hemingway: In order to be a good writer, you have to know what was written before.

To quote him: "He should have read everything, so he knows what he has to beat".

On Clowns, Pagliacci is at the top. Your story, funny as it is, might need a twist to attract a producer.

When you watch it on DVD or video, you will see the possibilities for your own story. I could be away for two weeks on vacation and hopefully you will have already enjoyed the story when I return.

Keep writing, you have talent.

Satire