Overusing words in action lines - "look" "sit"

[KCoquard]

The script I'm writing is more action than dialogue. Problem is, I'm starting to notice I overuse words like "look," "sit," "stare" and I'm only 25 pages in.

The way I've learned to avoid using "sit" is simply to drop it out:

EX1:
Sally sits at the kitchen table.
change to
Sally at the kitchen table

EX2:
The whole family sits at the table table, with the exception of Margaret, who organizes the silverware.
change to
The whole family at the dinner table except Margaret, who sets the table.

But you'll notice how the latter sentences just sound plain awkward. So, I'm not sure what to do.

I avoid using "look" by just finding relevant synonyms: gawk, glance, gape.
Thing is, I'm still finding that "look" is a much more appropriate choice.

Any advice?

 

[Modern Day Myth Prod. LLC]

If you ever took a class with Syd Field, he would tell you it is best not to be over descriptive. You have to give the actors, the art department, stunt coordinators, and director their creative freedom. That's why a script is considered the "blueprint of the production." With description, less is more.

If you find yourself reusing words too much, you need to take a step back to see if you are being too descriptive.

Find ways to abbreviate descriptions.

Actors have invited me to acting theory demonstrations where they demonstrate techniques to acting and how they improv from scripts. From what I was observing, they spend their time with the dialogue and make up their own stage direction. So, you have to write where you give actors the chance to fill in the blanks for stage direction.

 

[Modern Day Myth Prod. LLC]

I've done script readings with actors for several of my scripts and I discovered if I didn't assign an actor just reading narrations, the actors would skip over the narrations for stage direction. They also have a habit of just highlighting just their dialogue and ignoring the stage direction.

 

[VPTurner]

It's a collaborative medium. Actors and directors will bring their own interpretation for better or for worse. But without those elements, it's the writer's job to tell the story and reveal characters in the context of the story. If you cannot effectively paint a picture in the mind of the reader and generate an emotional response, then you've failed as a writer. Adverbs (or lack thereof) are irrelevant and clearly by example don't make a damn bit of difference in the grand scheme of things. There are exceptions to every rule, including ING words. The rule is present tense, and some ING words in context are present progressive tense and are, thus, perfectly acceptable.

Bottom line, the rule is brevity. Sure, omitting adverbs can assist with brevity, but should never be done at the expense of clarity.

 

[MirageFilms]

Also, one important detail to note. Take your example one/

EX1:
Sally sits at the kitchen table.
change to
Sally at the kitchen table

"Sally sits at the kitchen table" is different than "Sally at the kitchen table".

In "Sally sits at the kitchen table", there is action. She is in act of sitting down at the table.

In "Sally at the kitchen table", she is already seated.

In your script, use verbs and descriptive words. Communicate the emotions and feelings you want the actors to give based on how you are telling the story and how you want the audience to feel at that time in the story.

 

[jeremy]

Sorry, but that's still opinion and cannot be taken as gospel. And it is absolutely a matter of style. You may as well tell a carpenter to build a house without a hammer. These are tools of written language that can make the difference between clarity and vagueness. It's not all black and white.

I wouldn't tell a carpenter to build without a hammer, but I would tell him to build a house without legos. That the adverb is a tool doesn't mean it is correct for the job.

It is fine to be inconsise or inarticulate if you are not a writer. In that case an adverb is a fine tool. If you know what you are doing, or would like people to believe that you do, you should chose the correct verb.

 

[VPTurner]

I wouldn't tell a carpenter to build without a hammer, but I would tell him to build a house without legos. That the adverb is a tool doesn't mean it is correct for the job.

It is fine to be inconsise or inarticulate if you are not a writer. In that case an adverb is a fine tool. If you know what you are doing, or would like people to believe that you do, you should chose the correct verb.

Please learn to spell "inconcise" before you criticize other writing styles and techniques. It doesn't help your credibility.

There are arguments both ways. This was the best argument I've found:

http://www.mythmakerjohn.com/craft_notes.htm

ACTION VERBS (part1)

The first priority in your description paragraphs are your predicate phrases. While polishing your script, spend some valuable time selecting the perfect verb for each sentence. I suggest that you write in complete sentences until you understand the proper sense of tone and pacing through phrasing while maintaining comprehension. Fragmented sentences are difficult to read when used inadequately. After all, the verb is the most important element in dramatic description writing. Make sure your verb expresses the specific action of the subject, whether stated or implied.

My first suggestion is to avoid verb modifiers. In screenwriting, adverbs often become clichés. They give us a general idea of the mood or action, but they do not give us insight into a character’s actions at a particular point in time. In other words, adverbs allow us to be lazy writers, leaving the reader to interpret, or misinterpret, the specifics of the action. For example:

VERB WITH MODIFIER could be ACTION VERB
Smiles smugly ......................... smirks
briefly reads ............................ scans
walks slowly ........................... strolls, drags, trudges
walks quickly ........................... strides, marches
runs quickly ............................. darts, dashes, sprints, scurries, etc.
eyes look nervously ................. eyes dart
looks cautiously ........................ peeks, glances
looks angrily ............................. glares, glowers
looks longingly ......................... gazes, goggles, ogles

...and my all-time favorite:

“he quietly closes his eyes” (ever try to close your eyes loudly?)

You get the idea.

Often, adverbs are a redundancy. Usually, the action, or dialogue, or the word the adverb modifies, shows us what we need in order to see the action quite well. So, the adverb serves no purpose but to waste ink and space. Here are some examples: runs quickly, trips clumsily, glares angrily, yells loudly, smiles happily, et cetera. Cut the modifier. The verb says it all.

Take a little time and “show” on the page how this character is acting happy, or how that character is annoyed. What do they do that shows us their emotional state at the time? Show their individuality through specific action. Does a character always rub his nose when he’s excited? Then, don’t write the word “excitedly.” Write “He gasps and rubs his nose.” Details define character. Do not shy away from writing specific actions.

Work to avoid generic verbs like “walks, runs, smiles, looks,” et cetera, because they are magnets for clichéd adverbs like “quickly, slowly, softly, loudly, quietly, gently, happily, tightly, loosely” et cetera.

Push yourself to spend more time choosing your verbs. You will find that your script will become much more exciting by this one exercise alone. Adverbs. Avoid ‘em.

On the flip side, http://funjoel.blogspot.com/2006/04/adverbially-speaking.html

We often like to offer up hard and fast rules for screenwriting. No flashbacks in the first 10 pages. Voiceovers shouldn't directly match what we're seeing on screen. Don't write things that can't be seen or heard.

Some of our rules also apply to the specific words we choose when we write. Use active verbs, for example.

And the truth is, most of these rules are perfectly intelligent bits of advice (though of course there may be times where they may be broken, willfully, to good effect). The one that I hear a lot, however, that I've never really taken to heart as a writer or as a reader is that we should avoid all adverbs in our descriptions.

Just remember:

Write with nouns and verbs, not with adjectives and adverbs. The adjective hasn't been built that can pull a weak or inaccurate noun out of a tight place. This is not to disparage adjectives and adverbs; they are indispensable parts of speech. Occasionally they surprise us with their power, as in

Up the airy mountain,
Down the rushy glen,
We daren't go a-hunting
For fear of little men...

The nouns mountain and glen are accurate enough, but had the mountain not become airy, the glen rushy, William Allingham might never have gotten off the ground with his poem. In general, however, it is nouns and verbs, not their assistants, that give to good writing its toughness and color.

 

[jeremy]

Please learn to spell "inconcise" before you criticize other writing styles and techniques. It doesn't help your credibility.

That's cute, but save for internet explorer I have the luxury of a spell check. I am sure better writers than myself would never suffer a typo but I think you'll find that what one posts in an online forum will do little to cause Shakespeare to spin in his grave.

I will grant you that there are occasions for the use of an adverb but, they are rare enough to not need addressing. If your artistic integrity overrides your revulsion at the thought of allowing an infection in to your work, you have an adverb worth keeping. This caveate will only work however if you accept the rule of killing every adverb.

Here's an article for anyone interested in the plague of bloated writing. If I can find the "war on adverbs" face book group I'll post that too.

 

[VPTurner]

That's cute, but save for internet explorer I have the luxury of a spell check. I am sure better writers than myself would never suffer a typo but I think you'll find that what one posts in an online forum will do little to cause Shakespeare to spin in his grave.

I will grant you that there are occasions for the use of an adverb but, they are rare enough to not need addressing. If your artistic integrity overrides your revulsion at the thought of allowing an infection in to your work, you have an adverb worth keeping. This caveate will only work however if you accept the rule of killing every adverb.

Here's an article for anyone interested in the plague of bloated writing. If I can find the "war on adverbs" face book group I'll post that too.

You still haven't backed up your claim. Show me one commercially successful screenplay that uses zero adverbs. I've already shown you a few Oscar winners that do. This pokes holes all over your hard, fast rule that they shouldn't be used because it's glaringly obvious that their occasional usage doesn't make a difference whether your script will be successful or not. Now if you constantly misspell? That's a bigger red flag and more apt to peg you as an amateur.

Here's a final "caveat" when it comes to individual style choices, because the adverb usage debate is precisely that: To each his own.

 

[Grand Upper]

wait someones trying to advocate never using adverbs in screenplays?

 

[VPTurner]

wait someones trying to advocate never using adverbs in screenplays?

Both adjectives and adverbs, yes. I've known of its existence as a style choice and a way to promote brevity with more precise verbiage, but to invoke a hard, fast rule that they can't be used? That's a first in over 20 years of study of the craft. Fascinating.

No doubt there are some great points and examples given on how to avoid them, so it is a worthwhile discussion. But I will not completely excise them. And it's clear from my examples that their usage is rampant even in the most coveted scripts. I guess we're all rebels without a clause.

 

[Grand Upper]

Thats incredible.

As long as they're used well then they're a useful tool in telling a story.

I don't buy into these hard and fast rules (apart from formatting) when it comes to screenplays.

 

[Jijenji]

As a rule I think you will want concrete "as often as possible",
but to say you should never have adverbs or adjectives is kind of a ridiculous thesis IMO.

I like to pay attention to the rhythm in the syntax construction,
so often times when writing something I'll need to add or delete words or move them around,
or find something with fewer/more syllables, etc.

When you need a slower pace, include more words (see: adverbs and adjectives).
Write longer sentences.
In short, give the reader the opportunity to let the words they see sink into their mind.

When you're at a faster paced point in the story, avoid extra words.
Cut, cut, cut.
Probably here is when you will want to eliminate adjectives and adverbs the most.
Shorten sentences, even write in phrases or single words.

JMO

 

[VPTurner]

As a rule I think you will want concrete "as often as possible",
but to say you should never have adverbs or adjectives is kind of a ridiculous thesis IMO.

I like to pay attention to the rhythm in the syntax construction,
so often times when writing something I'll need to add or delete words or move them around,
or find something with fewer/more syllables, etc.

When you need a slower pace, include more words (see: adverbs and adjectives).
Write longer sentences.
In short, give the reader the opportunity to let the words they see sink into their mind.

When you're at a faster paced point in the story, avoid extra words.
Cut, cut, cut.
Probably here is when you will want to eliminate adjectives and adverbs the most.
Shorten sentences, even write in phrases or single words.

JMO

I concur. And that's exactly how I write.

 

[Grand Upper]

In the screenplay I'm writing now, I frequently use one/two/three word sentences to get something across bluntly.

 

[jeremy]

Thats incredible.

As long as they're used well then they're a useful tool in telling a story.

I don't buy into these hard and fast rules (apart from formatting) when it comes to screenplays.

I'll bite...

If you have a verb that describes the action you are trying to describe, what does the adverb contribute?

 

[jeremy]

You still haven't backed up your claim. Show me one commercially successful screenplay that uses zero adverbs. I've already shown you a few Oscar winners that do. This pokes holes all over your hard, fast rule that they shouldn't be used because it's glaringly obvious that their occasional usage doesn't make a difference whether your script will be successful or not. Now if you constantly misspell? That's a bigger red flag and more apt to peg you as an amateur.

Here's a final "caveat" when it comes to individual style choices, because the adverb usage debate is precisely that: To each his own.

Here is a link to about "About 183,000 results" from script consultants and analysts the world over who all reenforce that there is little to no place for modifiers in a screenplay. While you have proven that poor writing can be produced, and can yeild a good film, you havent provided any case for it being good writing. I on the other hand have been able to show that even examples from the best film ever made can be tightened.

So, while spelling is a red flag in a script, most screen writing software can find and correct misspelled words. What that same software won't find, is a bad sentence.

As I stated earlier, the rule does exist to be broken but like breaking any rule it should be done with caution and remorse.

Many consultants, readers, buyers, ect... have told me personally or stated for the record in interviews and books that they look for reasons to turn down a script. Spelling, formatting, ect... but with the state of software today those problems have become sparse. Now the catch is composition. Directing from the script, novelesque descriptions, adverbs and adjectives in excess are all in the cross hairs.

If your script is otherwise excellent, with characters and story peerless in a stack of scripts, then you can get away with making these mistakes. Citizen Kane can be flawed in composition and get by because it's Citizen Kane. If you produce your own work, you can be flawed because no one else's input matters.

Failing the above, it's a bad choice to produce flawed content when you have the option not to do so. Choosing the right verb will never make a script worse.

 

[VPTurner]

So you give links to script consultants but not a single link to a script that doesn't use them?

If there are so many script consultants who are 100% right, why are there so many movies and scripts that just plain suck? Excising an adverb won't help you if you can't tell a story just like writing a good story doesn't mean one must omit adverbs. That's my only point. Your Hollywood dream won't die if you row your boat gently and merrily down the stream. Know if you pros looks lake thus? You're in trouble. Spell check won't save you there.

 

[Grand Upper]

I'll bite...

If you have a verb that describes the action you are trying to describe, what does the adverb contribute?

Think about what you're saying.

 

[Jijenji]

I guess my post went mostly unnoticed, but I listed why you would want to use adverbs at times.

As a rule, you will want to have a preference for concrete words.
But if that's all you use, your "voice" will be monotone.

 

[jeremy]

Think about what you're saying.

I think my last 4 or 5 posts should articulat that I have thought about it. Which brings me back to my question.

If you have a verb that describes the action you are trying to describe, what does the adverb contribute?