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Organ Lottery - Rise and Fall
- Thread starter Loomis
- Start date
The link works for me. You seemed to follow directions, unlike me. I'm trying to figure out the bartender's aversion to the "meat show". Like does he oppose the sensational aspect of public lotteries for organs, or ... the guy who offed himself for not getting a liver- this seems to contribute to the bartender's opinion, but I can't tell. I suck at subtext, nevermind. And good job keeping the continuity of the draw numbers, I didn't think about that. Good work dude.
I like the development but I got really confused. At one point, John is fiddling with the photo, then it seems like Jake.
Part of that is due to dialogue that continues after an action statement that doesn't have the character listed.
Check for formating so that you have:
JOHN ... dialogue.... action ... JOHN (Cont'd.) ... dialogue
For this piece, I would make the names a bit more distinct JAKE and BRIAN. I know for me, if names are too close, I accidentally crossover dialogues. I hear it and see it in my head, but it gets jumbled when it hits the keyboard.
It has good visuals and character development. You want to know the backstory. In this case I think you could have John be a bit more open. While you visually develop the character as a viewer, all I see is an old guy sitting at a bar with activity going on around him. What you could do is while Jake is over talking with the other guys, have John talking to himself mentally (voice over). Not extensive, just a line or two to explain to the viewer what is not sharing with Jake.
Part of that is due to dialogue that continues after an action statement that doesn't have the character listed.
Check for formating so that you have:
JOHN ... dialogue.... action ... JOHN (Cont'd.) ... dialogue
For this piece, I would make the names a bit more distinct JAKE and BRIAN. I know for me, if names are too close, I accidentally crossover dialogues. I hear it and see it in my head, but it gets jumbled when it hits the keyboard.
It has good visuals and character development. You want to know the backstory. In this case I think you could have John be a bit more open. While you visually develop the character as a viewer, all I see is an old guy sitting at a bar with activity going on around him. What you could do is while Jake is over talking with the other guys, have John talking to himself mentally (voice over). Not extensive, just a line or two to explain to the viewer what is not sharing with Jake.
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First things first- your name is Rob Green? That's awesome, I'm a West Ham fan so he's a massive hero 
I have to agree with FantasySciFi, the script would be two times clearer if you'd chosen more distinct names. I found it quite difficult to follow what was going on in the conversation between Jake and John because I kept having to flick back and remind myself which one was the bartender.
I liked the dialogue a lot, it was very easy to read and a cool use of the vernacular- however I did get a little lost at times, especially with regards to why they were having the conversation. Did they just happen to be in the pub at the time of the broadcast? Or is John needing a transplant? No page 6 showed up for me, so this may explain why this wasn't clear.
But on the whole I liked the feel of the piece. You may want to try and find some reasons to justify why Jake doesn't like the organ show so badly. Does he feel it's exploitative? Or does he have more personal reasons for the hatred?
All in all I think that was a very solid first draft.
I have to agree with FantasySciFi, the script would be two times clearer if you'd chosen more distinct names. I found it quite difficult to follow what was going on in the conversation between Jake and John because I kept having to flick back and remind myself which one was the bartender.
I liked the dialogue a lot, it was very easy to read and a cool use of the vernacular- however I did get a little lost at times, especially with regards to why they were having the conversation. Did they just happen to be in the pub at the time of the broadcast? Or is John needing a transplant? No page 6 showed up for me, so this may explain why this wasn't clear.
But on the whole I liked the feel of the piece. You may want to try and find some reasons to justify why Jake doesn't like the organ show so badly. Does he feel it's exploitative? Or does he have more personal reasons for the hatred?
All in all I think that was a very solid first draft.
Nick - Indeed it is. Probably wasn't a popular name after the World Cup, though.
I hate to admit it, but I confused myself with the names. I replaced it with another one.
I've taken your advice, SciFi, and added a small snippet of voice over. It may give away too much, though.
As for the bartender, he feels slighted by the crowd more than anything. I added a small piece of dialogue that I hope illustrates that a bit better, while also hinting at why he's talking to the old man in the first place.
Here's a cleaned up version.
There are only five pages. The sixth is a ghost page or something.
Thank you guys for reading and commenting. I really appreciate it.
I hate to admit it, but I confused myself with the names.
I replaced it with another one.I've taken your advice, SciFi, and added a small snippet of voice over. It may give away too much, though.
As for the bartender, he feels slighted by the crowd more than anything. I added a small piece of dialogue that I hope illustrates that a bit better, while also hinting at why he's talking to the old man in the first place.
Here's a cleaned up version.
There are only five pages. The sixth is a ghost page or something.
Thank you guys for reading and commenting. I really appreciate it.