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M

MGrinstead

I am in the middle of writing the script for my first short.

It is based around this character Dave who suffers from Agoraphobia. His neighbour Jerry brings his mail from his letterbox to his door everyday. And everyday he tries to convince Dave to come out of the house, finally one day he grabs Dave by the hand in an attempt to lead him out. Dave trips foward and lands on his front lawn, he gets up with so much fear on his face, and then all of a sudden he realises, there is nothing to be afraid of. He smiles, thanks Jerry as he takes his mail from him, and walks back inside like nothing ever happened. The end. Throughout the film i am making Daves struggle with the fear really dark and depressing, and then the end will come as a suprise/didn't expect that kind of thing.

Honest Opinons/Criticism?
 
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Hey, I'm not a writer by any stretch of the imagination, but I'll comment anyway.

It strikes me that the ending is sort of like the "and he fell out of bed, it was all a dream" type of ending. There should really be a stronger compulsion to drive him out of his comfortable environment - the threat of death or somehow his safe environment "turns" on him.

I would recommend a decent indie film called "Body/Anti-Body" about a guy who is obsessive/compulsive and has a fear of germs. The concept is similar, the story was well done, although for me the reason some people want him to leave his apartment was a bit of a letdown.
 
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I like the simplicity of it, but what else is happening inside of it at the same time?
(Like other dimensions wise or other levels of it?)

Who does Jerry start as, and then become by way of the circumstances?

What does Jerry try to do to coax Dave out before finally yanking him out (Or guiding him?)

What makes him finally physically do it?

What kind of reasoning and excuses and tactics does Dave counter employ to thwart Jerry’s insistence?

Can Jerry gain a disorder or phobia as suddenly as Dave loses his?

Can Dave be like “Woo Hoo, I’m finally fre--“ -BAM!- (He is hit by a truck. Or a plane crashes into them/him.)

Can Dave overcoming his anxiety/disorder be metaphor for something else?

You don’t NEED all these types of things, but perhaps considering some, or kicking things around like this might help you find or shed light on things that add another dimension or layer to the big picture, from the inside out.

-Thanks-
 
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Thanks a lot guys, keeping it all in mind. As far as what happens between the confrontations i have written in a bit of stuff. Heavy drinking, addiction to online poker, stuff like that.
 
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I wrote in a scene where the power cuts out during the middle of a game, and then to curb his boredom he starts to bounce a ball against the wall, in his anger he throws it quite hard and it bounces straight out of the window, making him even more angry at the throw and at himself for not being able to leave.
 
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That’s a nice element too. Can you take that further?

Maybe the ball is just out of his extended reach with a rake or something he keeps in the corner?
And he is standing in the window like “Fuck!” then we see some OLD LADY walking past, and she gives him a dirty look, then you do some “I was just talking about my ball.” funny/akward line from him to double down the little humor.

Then CUT TO minutes later and we hear some –THUNKA- THUNKA- THUNKA- THUNKA- noise, and dolly across to find him with one of those paddle and balls with the rubber band, and Jerry maybe is at the window “Way to seize the day there Dave.”, or something.

-Thanks-
 
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Thanks Buddy, im loving all your suggestions, i didn't really want to have much humour if any throughout his struggle, i want to give it a really dark feel and then twist it at the end.
 
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I'm just bored, but you're welcome all the same.

Dark sounds good, just don't burn your audience out.
(Take your foot off the gas and let it coast for a second before hammering it to the floor the final twist.)

How many pages you going for?

-Thanks-
 
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Not really sure but i want to have around 4 different meetings/delivering of mail between Dave and Jerry before the final one. And i think the movie will probably sit around the 15 or 20 min mark.
 
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