Opinions on this hook?

[myownself]

Opinions on this hook? (Short Read)

Now, before a post this just know that I don't have all the proper screenwriting terms down yet. (I'm still learning) I'm going to go back later and edit some of this, but for now I just want to see if this is a good hook. Feel free to help me with the terms but don't bash me for not knowing them.

Darkness Rises (Working Title)​

The lines of a poem are shown on a book crawling across the screen, one line at a time, as the narrator reads them.

Narrator

Darkness Rises, people fall
In his hands, he holds the call
Whether they live, whether they die
He only gets stronger as time slips by
Will he bring life, or will he create scars
One thing is for sure, this life is not ours​

After the poem is read a new voice begins to speak. The voice have a smooth tone, but is full of evil. As it begins to speak a man is seen forming in the shadows.

Shadow Man
This poem is aobut you Jake. On your 18th birthday you're going to recieve powers. Tey're going to overtake you. You're going to want more and more. You're going to begin craving destruction. The wold is going to burn at your hands Jake. It's going to be all your fault. You hear that jake! ALL YOU FAULT!​

 

[Firm1]

I love the poem, but the dialogue needs some work. I don't know. It just doesn't sound authentic. But then again, I have no idea what the story is about nor do I know who these characters are. However, I strongly suspect that you're trying to create an epic story that touches on the human condition and how utterly warped it can get when given enough power. Therefore, I'm certainly interested in reading more.

 

[kjones]

@myownself, don't worry about screenplay format for now, you (or the script software) can clean that up later if you are focusing only on your hook. Here are some point-blank thoughts:

First impressions:
- The poem is okay, but rhymes like a child's poem, and just might work if the narrator is in *contrast* to that (old man, pre-teen, etc.).
- Might work better if you put more description than "narrator." You're holding back information that could help your audience (aka, me) along, such as what the voice sounds like in terms of age, narrator's physical condition, gender, etc.
- Almost reads like a radio show, since there's very little visual description. Tends to read like a graphic novel or animation (not a criticism).
- Didn't hook me because Shadow Man told me the whole story, you *said* he's evil, and we've seen a lot of these kinds of stories in recent years.
- Title is so abstract it isn't interesting in and of itself. Watch out for titles that sound a lot like a current Hollywood release, it could jade your audience before they read a word.

Afterthoughts:
- Add visual description to the room, characters, situation.
- Come up with an intriguing title.
- Stop Shadow Man's dialogue (or change it) at the point it mystifies. For example, at "they're going to overtake you."
- End Shadow Man on a question to the narrator, which is inherently more "hooking" than exposition or telling the whole story.
- Oh, and even when posting something here at indietalk, run your stuff through a spell-checker, might help you get comments .

Best of luck, keep going, and let us see your next version!

 

[myownself]

Well, the "Shadow Man" isn't the only evil. To give you some more background to the story, it's about a kid who recieves powers at 18. (As you can tell) He comes to fine out that his words he uses can come to life. The catch is that it only happens when his words are powered by hate, fear, or love. There is going to be plenty of evil. Shadow man is just for the opening. He's a man in shadows.