Geez. This turned into a bigger argument than I would have liked...
I know, right? It's kind of ridiculous. We should be talking about the strengths/weaknesses of your script, but instead people are attacking each other. Kinda silly, and out of place.
I'd also like to clear something up with those of you who have said things like, "It needs a plot" and such. Well, it has got a plot. The plot is that a gangster has kidnapped a detective and proceeds to tell him why he is the way he is, before being defeated by said detective, albeit in a hollow victory. That is all. This is not a scene, it is a complete film. I know, I know, a lot of things are left out, but that was intentional. I enjoy films and stories that provide the viewer/reader with only a portion of the story and let them assume the rest. Normally my screenplays don't leave much up to the reader, but in this case I thought it would be interesting to allow people to decide for themselves how the two characters wound up in their predicament.
Yeah, I'm sorry to say that's not really much of a plot. I hate to sound harsh, but I'd even go so far as to say it's not really a plot, at all. You've got a five-page screenplay. Presumably, that's in the ballpark of a five-minute movie. And in that five minutes, two dudes talk, and then die. Plot is about stuff happening. To see what I mean, by comparison, watch the first five minutes of "In the Line of Fire", "Die Hard", "As Good as it Gets", or even a crappy movie, like "2012".
A LOT of stuff happens in those five-minutes -- way more than just two dudes talking and then dead.
Or, do a search for the Oscar-nominated short films from last year. See how much stuff happens in five-minutes. That's plot. Plot, for lack of better words, is
stuff happening.
That doesn't mean you can't ever write a five-minute monologue. There are many examples I can think of, in which somebody talks for a long-ass time, and it's riveting. But the only examples I can think of are in feature-length films, in which the talky-monologue fits into it's greater context (of which there is plenty of plot).
For a short film, if you fill it entirely with dialogue, you squeeze out the story. That doesn't mean you can't have a talky short. I'm sure you can find a way to make a talky short awesome. But in this particular example (which does indeed have some really well-written dialogue), you've gone too far. It's good talk. But it's too much talk.
