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Opinions/Criticisms Please

Hello all. I've recently finished a new short script, and I'd love to know what you guys think of it. It's called "Golden Sombrero," which is a baseball term for those of you that don't know. It's not about baseball, by the way. I'm a relatively inexperienced writer and I could certainly use some advice. Mostly, I'd like to hear your opinions of the ending.
Do you think it's too cheesy and formulaic, and/or that I left the fate of the protagonist too vague?

Anyway, here it is: https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&...Zjc3OS00NjUwLTg2Y2YtMDY1NWQwYzEyZmNk&hl=en_US

EDIT: I just read through and spotted a few minor grammar mistakes, as well as one pretty annoying oopsie in the last action section. Feel free to point out any mistakes you find, but I may have beaten you to it on a few of them.
 
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How's this?

EXT. SAFE HOUSE - SAME
A Volkswagen comes roaring up. Matt stands in front of it, fires a round into the air and aims the gun down at the DRIVER, who SCREECHES to a stop.

In Portugese -- subtitled:

MATT
Open the trunk and get out of the car!

The trunk pops open. Matt swings open the front door and orders the driver to run.
Directs Frost toward the open trunk.

MATT (CONT’D)
Get in.

FROST
You’re making the wrong play here.

MATT
I said get in.

FROST
You need to reconsider what you
think your options are.

MATT
Shut up.

FROST
Those men aren’t coming to free me.
They’re coming to kill me. You don’t
have the shoulders for this. As long
as you’re with me, you’re dead.

Matt cocks the gun.

MATT
And as long as you’re with me,
you’re not. Get in the fucking trunk.

Frost eyes the barrel -- sizing up Matt.

CUT TO --

EXT. SAFE HOUSE - BACK ALLEY - MOMENTS LATER

Vargas and his men bomb out the back -- race to the front.

INT. VOLKSWAGEN - SAME
Matt hops behind the wheel. Throws the backpack onto the passenger seat. Slams the door. Drops the hammer. HITS the gas and --

EXT. SAFE HOUSE - SAME -- the Volkswagen PEELS AWAY as: THE MERCS
arrive -- already FIRING -- BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Bullets RIDDLE the back of the Volkswagen --

INT. VOLKSWAGEN - SAME
-- and BLOW UP the back window. Glass RAINS inside. Matt switches gears. CRANKS the wheel. THUNDERS forward, RUNNING a red light -- nearly getting CLIPPED by traffic.

EXT. SAFE HOUSE - SAME
Vargas watches as the Volkswagen ROARS ahead, disappearing into the distance as we

CUT TO --

EXT. RIO STREET - SAME
The Volkswagen hauls ass, weaving around cars, sliding into hard lefts and rights.

INT. VOLKSWAGEN - SAME Matt white knuckles the wheel, threading traffic, on edge.
He takes a hand off the wheel. Reaches across to the backpack on the passenger seat. Pulls the zipper down. Draws a secure phone. Punches in a number.

OPERATOR (V.O.)
Operator.

MATT
South America.

OPERATOR (V.O.)
Designator?

MATT
Echo Bravo two three.

OPERATOR (V.O.)
Transferring.

INT. TRUNK - SAME
Frost -- on his back -- searching -- thinking. His hands locate a tire-changing tool set. Starts digging around the various tools.
INT. VOLKSWAGEN - SAME The Landlord answers.

LANDLORD (V.O.)
Landlord.


Matt -- panicked -- freaked:

MATT
This is the housekeeper. 7-R’s been
hit. Everyone’s dead!

LANDLORD (V.O.)
Say again.

MATT
Kiefer -- his team -- everyone!
They’re all dead!

LANDLORD (V.O.)
Is this a secure line?

MATT
Are you hearing me!? The house has
been crashed! I got Frost. We’ve been evicted.

Major league heat all the way. 105mph on the radar gun.
 
Geez. This turned into a bigger argument than I would have liked...

I know, right? It's kind of ridiculous. We should be talking about the strengths/weaknesses of your script, but instead people are attacking each other. Kinda silly, and out of place.

I'd also like to clear something up with those of you who have said things like, "It needs a plot" and such. Well, it has got a plot. The plot is that a gangster has kidnapped a detective and proceeds to tell him why he is the way he is, before being defeated by said detective, albeit in a hollow victory. That is all. This is not a scene, it is a complete film. I know, I know, a lot of things are left out, but that was intentional. I enjoy films and stories that provide the viewer/reader with only a portion of the story and let them assume the rest. Normally my screenplays don't leave much up to the reader, but in this case I thought it would be interesting to allow people to decide for themselves how the two characters wound up in their predicament.

Yeah, I'm sorry to say that's not really much of a plot. I hate to sound harsh, but I'd even go so far as to say it's not really a plot, at all. You've got a five-page screenplay. Presumably, that's in the ballpark of a five-minute movie. And in that five minutes, two dudes talk, and then die. Plot is about stuff happening. To see what I mean, by comparison, watch the first five minutes of "In the Line of Fire", "Die Hard", "As Good as it Gets", or even a crappy movie, like "2012". A LOT of stuff happens in those five-minutes -- way more than just two dudes talking and then dead.

Or, do a search for the Oscar-nominated short films from last year. See how much stuff happens in five-minutes. That's plot. Plot, for lack of better words, is stuff happening.

That doesn't mean you can't ever write a five-minute monologue. There are many examples I can think of, in which somebody talks for a long-ass time, and it's riveting. But the only examples I can think of are in feature-length films, in which the talky-monologue fits into it's greater context (of which there is plenty of plot).

For a short film, if you fill it entirely with dialogue, you squeeze out the story. That doesn't mean you can't have a talky short. I'm sure you can find a way to make a talky short awesome. But in this particular example (which does indeed have some really well-written dialogue), you've gone too far. It's good talk. But it's too much talk.
 
Still waiting for someone to duplicate the simple eloquence in the script in their own words.

Give us a villain explaining himself the way Greg does in Thomson's script.

It apparently looks very easy to everyone, so let's see someone do it as well as Thompson does.
 
Still waiting for someone to duplicate the simple eloquence in the script in their own words.

Give us a villain explaining himself the way Greg does in Thomson's script.

It apparently looks very easy to everyone, so let's see someone do it as well as Thompson does.

I think you have missed the point. I've never said there is anything wrong with the dialogue, in and of itself. I'm saying there isn't enough going on around the dialogue.

Besides, this isn't a competition. No matter the circumstances, I would never take part in your game.
 
Well, yeah, I guess it is a scene, but it is also the scene, the only scene. There is nothing more to it. It begins after Greg has kidnapped Jack and ends when they both lay dead or dying. Sure, something led up to this, and something may happen afterward, but that is no concern of mine. This is the story (or the part of the story) I wanted to tell, and I believe I did so effectively.

I respect what you are attempting with this scene. Filmmaking and writing are experiential and experimental. There is no categorical right or wrong as discussed in other threads. You're writing from your conviction and that's important. I would encourage you to film this. This is simple enough scene (2 actors, one location, limited props) that you and a friend could shoot it in a day. Create the five minute piece.

The proof is not in the script but in the production. I think every screenwriter should at some point in their early career should be involved in the production and/or acting of his/her own script. It is immensely educational to see what works and what doesn't for yourself. Not from 'supposed' experts, but by personal experience and experiment. And a five minute short is a perfect canvas to start. It is the only way to learn what is truly effective.

Cheers.
 
Your dialog is just filler for the action. It never rises above this:



No nuance. Nothing clever about it. No insight. Just filler.

I'm pretty sure that's a scene from Safe House with Denzel Washington no? Skreaming didn't write that did he/she?

Looked like A list actioneering to me. Shane Black type stuff.

Gary, I think you judge scripts purely as literary documents. Screenplays aren't literary documents, except that they are, but they aren't, but they are...well who knows, but they're also a suggestion of a visual medium and aren't meant to stand on their own artistically. A great script sells for 5 million dollars, but you won't see it on the NYT Bestseller's list.
 
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Ok, let's all learn to write crap because crap sells for 5 million dollars per script.

That your point?

.

Not really.
And would I like to be able to write in a way that starts bidding wars between major studios? 5 million dollar spec sales that have enough heat to attach Denzel Washington? Hell yes! Please, somebody teach me!
 
Aw, geez. This got bad. Erm, to wrap this up, I'll just say this: I may eventually find the time and resources to shoot this, and if I do, I will surely post it here. I feel quite bad about the arguments my script started, and I very much doubt I'll ask for anyone's opinion on my writing again. Thank you all very much for your insights and advice.
 
Aw, geez. This got bad. Erm, to wrap this up, I'll just say this: I may eventually find the time and resources to shoot this, and if I do, I will surely post it here. I feel quite bad about the arguments my script started, and I very much doubt I'll ask for anyone's opinion on my writing again. Thank you all very much for your insights and advice.

Don't feel bad! It's not your fault, and this sort of nonsense rarely happens around here. Most people around here are genuinely interested in helping other people grow as artists, as they are themselves. I'm sorry this thread gave you a bad taste, but stick around! It's usually not like this!
 
Alright, you've convinced me :) This silliness was an isolated incident, and it's no use worrying about it. Also, if I ever film it it'll be during the summer, probably. I imagine I'll make at least one other film before (if) that happens (I like this script, but I've written much better ones that I would like to film a lot more). Thanks again, everyone.
 
Alright, you've convinced me :) This silliness was an isolated incident, and it's no use worrying about it. Also, if I ever film it it'll be during the summer, probably. I imagine I'll make at least one other film before (if) that happens (I like this script, but I've written much better ones that I would like to film a lot more). Thanks again, everyone.

Yes we're all really normal regular people here. 77743 23 hg2. Klatu barak Nictu.
 
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