Opening.

[benj09]

Hello, this is the opening to my newest feature. Hope it sounds good. Please comment. Thanks

EXT. WASTELAND. DAY

FADE IN:

Like a desert the WASTELAND stands in complete silence. The
stumps of old trees burn away.

A small fox runs through the deserted wastes. It stops and
looks around carefully. A noise of a twig breaking echo’s
through the wastes and the fox dashes off.

The sun beats down hard on the wastes. A small collection of
boulders block the suns light. In the shade a human figure
stands.

Close on. But this is no human. It may have once been human
but not any more. It is rib thin and pinky red. Veins
bulging out of its single layer of skin.

Its yellow eyes reflect the evil that lays inside it. Its
skin seems burnt and the red of its blood can be seen.

The crystallized slime drips of its back and falls to the
ground.

This thing moves with a fast pace. It’s hands are too big
for its body and the legs are too small. The mouth of this
creature is in its throat.

It moves towards the burnt forest, slowly and quietly. It
starts to run at an impressive rate. Dodging tree stumps and
leaping over human corpses.

Close on- This things eyes reflect the small fox running for
its life.

The things feet move almost too quick. The foxes four legs
pound against the floor.

The fox image dies out and a whole crowd of humans stand
with little slips of paper in there hands. They are
screaming at Greyhounds.

The sound of the 6 grey hounds feet beat constantly. Like a
heart. Loud mouth breathing starts to masks this sound.

The fox jumps over a fallen burnt tree and lands with such
grace. The fox looks scared. It runs and runs.

SOUNDS of the track reappear. Then the sound of war planes.
A radio message replays "TAKE SHELTER". The Greyhounds run
and run. The Sound of bombs dropping.


(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED: 2.



The SOUND of a heart beats. It beats and beats. The SOUND of
bombs exploding.

A white screen is all that can be seen.

The sound of the creature feet running slowly fade in. This
creature breathes in hard through its mouth.

SOUND of single bullet being fired.

SOUND of creature hitting the floor.

The small fox slows down to a halt and looks behind to see
the creature dead.

The fox skips on towards the dried up desert that lays
ahead. It lives to fight another day.

A human figure stands slim in front of the giant sun. His
face is unknown. He reloads his gun and the cocking SOUND
echos loud.

 

[Buddy Greenfield]

I like the picture it paints (Kind of creepy), but you can do it quicker, less wordy and with word variation.

Check these for over use, use in close proximity or to find varations:

Waste (Including slug line)
Desert- Deserted
Sun
Human
Burn-Burnt
Sound- Sounds
Beat-Beats


-Thanks-

 

[Jijenji]

Tip:

After you finish a script, during the rewrite, type each page over and over and over again. Read it from "print preview". Then type it over and over again some more. You'll be amazed at how many times you used the same word twice in close proximity, or how you need to change the order of two simple words, etc.

I just start at the top of the page, and type above what I've already typed. Delete the old stuff as necessary so that never have to scroll down.

It works well for me.

 

[benj09]

One of my main concerns is that my screenplays arent coming off as professional. Does this opening scene look professional. and does the next shot which is a juxtoposition to the first.
ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREAT THANKS

EXT. WASTELAND - DAY

The mountains are high and the rock are jagged. A small
mountain cat sits proudly.

Giant round metal doors open and mist starts to come out.

The doors close and a second pair of round doors open. These
close to Reveal VAULT 13. A safe place from the harsh WASTES
outside.

A man in a blue jumpsuit sits lonely on a chair singing
along to a song on the radio. -The song playing is a PRE WW2
SONG.

A tall man wearing the same jumpsuit is walking through a
corridor. He turns around the corner and a giant marketplace
lays before him.

Hundreds of people are shopping around. A group of children
are chasing each other around.

A news vendor stands on a chair shouting at the top of his
lungs.

NEWS VENDOR
VAULT 13 IS SAFEST LOCATION IN
PLANET EARTH. SAYS OVERSEER.

People are all rushing to their jobs and moving along very
quickly. People bumping into each other.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED: 3.



A giant roof painted with a night sky slowly changes to a
picture of a red skied morning.

The painted sun. Beats down hard. Just like the wasteland
sun.

 

[Unknown Screenwriter]

Definitely wordy...

filmy

 

[AntonDoiron]

sounds very interesting. I can't comment on script writing because I know nothing about it. I just write it the way I imagine it then film it. I shudder to think of what someone would say if they saw my scripts. But is your choice of words all that important in something that is describing a scene and not the dialog in it? I would say that this is only important if you are trying to sell it. I like the post apocalyptic feel. have you seen the anime called Desert Punk. I was imagining that when you talk about the man with the gun in the end. for me, the most important thing is the dialog. does it work for the character? does it sound like something real people would say. if you act out the dialog with a friend, does it feel right? These are the problems I deal with.

 

[Kosh]

Like filmy said, it is a bit, wordy. There are certain targets you have to hit in a script 110 page script. Experienced readers look for said targets in your first and last 10 pages and if you miss them a majority of them stop reading. Of course, this does not mean that you write by a strict template, as you need to have substance throughout the body of your story. The bottom line is you only have so much real estate to work with, so you MUST economize your words.

With that in mind I like to keep my Action/Description sections brief and to the point. I use every sentence to paint the picture of a specific shot. So if you are suggesting to the director why they should point the camera in a certain place, why they need to frame a particular shot, it had better be for a very good reason - otherwise it is counterproductive to your story. So if your log line suggests that we are in a Wasteland then the reader should get the picture, so only describe (i.e., show the shots) that are pertinent to the story - mood, why are we there?, why did I show you that?, was it necessary for something else later on?, etc. I am sure the director and crew know how to locate or create a wasteland and while it may be different from your vision, different is not necessarily a bad thing.

Since you are within a word count constraint, try and minimize the use of your words and write with a Thesaurus (try Visual Thesaurus 3 or something like that) to use better words, stronger words that will help you paint a more vivid picture without having to repeat yourself.

If this is a first draft then fine, I suppose. I always write from the heart with first drafts. But even then try to hit my page targets or be reasonably close to them. That way your re-write does not become a nightmare. Bottom line show don't tell and only show what is absolutely necessary. Let the story do the talking.

Good luck.

 

[Jijenji]

Like filmy said, it is a bit, wordy.

I agree with Filmy and Kosh.

There are certain targets you have to hit in a script 110 page script. Experienced readers look for said targets in your first and last 10 pages and if you miss them a majority of them stop reading.

This is only partially true. If a script is bad, the reader has a lot of time to think about preconceived criteria. If they are hooked on your script they will be excited to actually read one screenplay that doesn't suck and they are not going to break out of the story to wonder, "did this happen on page 10?" An inciting incident may happen on page 1 or page 10 or page 30 or it might even happen in the middle of your story, but you better understand what is expected, learn the craft, and then have a reason for either conforming to the norm or doing something different.

When I say the story is the thing, this is something you have to really study and learn. I see a lot of people on here imitating their favorite "edgy" writer and they think that makes a good story. It does not. Then they do their own thing and it doesn't really work out.

The bottom line is you only have so much real estate to work with, so you MUST economize your words.

Like Kosh said, you have to be ruthless with cutting out words. Screenwriting is about being concise. You don't make your story smaller. You keep it the same size, but you squeeze it into fewer and fewer words. Let's look at your very first description:

Like a desert the WASTELAND stands in complete silence. The
stumps of old trees burn away.

How about: "The Wasteland. Complete silence. Old tree stumps burn away."

There is no place for metaphors (see: like a desert....) in screenwriting. You can't show this in pictures. Just describe what you can physically see. Only capitalize characters when they first appear in the script, nothing else. I'm sure there are other ways to write the example above but hopefully you can see it is sharper and when you read it, it sounds more powerful than the more wordy example.

Good luck.

 

[caseyhein]

How about: "The Wasteland. Complete silence. Old tree stumps burn away."

There is no place for metaphors (see: like a desert....) in screenwriting. You can't show this in pictures. Just describe what you can physically see. Only capitalize characters when they first appear in the script, nothing else. I'm sure there are other ways to write the example above but hopefully you can see it is sharper and when you read it, it sounds more powerful than the more wordy example.

Good luck.

I agree with what the others has said, except for this last part above. I agree with it to a point but not totally. There is place, in my opinion, for the flowery writing in the descriptions. Just look at Shane Black, thats what he is known for. His work can be argued as a great piece of fiction, as well as a functional screenplay.

EXAMPLE from Lethal Weapon

The city of Angels, lied out beneath us in all its slendor, a bargain basement promised land.

I don't think you should get too flowery with words. I can't really spit out what I am trying to say.

The line between extremely inticing, beautiful screenwriting, and over indulgent, wandering drivel is a very fine line, proceed with extreme caution.

 

[Jijenji]

I agree with what the others has said, except for this last part above. I agree with it to a point but not totally. There is place, in my opinion, for the flowery writing in the descriptions. Just look at Shane Black, thats what he is known for. His work can be argued as a great piece of fiction, as well as a functional screenplay.

EXAMPLE from Lethal Weapon

The city of Angels, lied out beneath us in all its slendor, a bargain basement promised land.

I don't think you should get too flowery with words. I can't really spit out what I am trying to say.

The line between extremely inticing, beautiful screenwriting, and over indulgent, wandering drivel is a very fine line, proceed with extreme caution.

I think Shane Black sells a script because he is Shane Black.
But that said, I don't see anything flowery or wordy in the example you gave.
It isn't 3 words long, but it doesn't have to be. It still concisely paints a picture.

Now you'll want to write some sentences longer too. You don't want. All of your sentences. Short. Like this. Over and over. For the entire screenplay. Any more than you want them all wordy and long.

JMO

 

[caseyhein]

Lethal weapon was his first sale, I believe. So there was no "Shane Black, the action writer" before that. It was a simple spec, written by a 22 year old wordsmith.

When I say flowery, I don't mean overly wordy. I mean that its very literary in the way its written. The reason I used that as an example is because it was said that metaphors should be avoided, I simply showed that if well written a metaphor is just fine.