New to scriptwriting

[Monco91]

Hey everyone let me first just say that I am new to the forum and that I am quite new to writing scripts altogether. I write short stories quite frequently in my spare time, and so I have decided to try and write a script. I am seventeen and I live in Toronto and I'm still in high school just in case anybody is wondering. I want to give a sample of the first little bit of my script, which is a western by the way, I wanted to write something that would be a cross between Quentin Tarantino's style and Sergio Leone's style...I was hoping that you guys could tell me what I need to improve on, and any advice on how to stay focused on this script would be great. I hope you enjoy what I have written so far, lol I am a little embarassed submitting this on here

P.S when I wrote the part for APACHE i had Michael Madsen in mind lol

SHOWDOWN
FADE IN:

1 INT- STANTON RANCH- DAY

The screen is Pitch black, all that can be heard is the sound of spurred boots slowly making their way across the floor, with each step used bullet casings are scattered about the wooden floor. The black and white image begins to fade in, an image of a mans back makes its way into view, on the back of his pitch black jacket is a picture of a cobra, above the picture reads, "Sterling Cobra's" the man wearing this jacket is known as, "Apache". He is standing over Arch Stanton who is covered in blood and lying on the floor, next to him lay two dead bodies, one of which is a woman, the other a boy. Apache slowly draws his sterling silver pistol from his holster and aims it at the man on the floor.

APACHE
You know, there's a certain saying that I've grown quite fond of, "revenge is sweet," I've always had a sweet tooth. (Spit) Adios amigo.

Apache fires his pistol at the head of the man on the floor, the man's head jitters straight to the hardwood with a loud thud and all life makes its escape.

2 EXT- STANTON RANCH- DAY

As Apache slowly makes his exit from the hell hole that has become the Stanton family home, three other men make their way into view, each members of the Sterling Cobra's.

APACHE
(Stare sympathetically at the home) Burn it and let's get outta here.

The screen fades to black as the four men casually gallop into the sunset

 

[VPTurner]

Never be embarrassed. Everyone has to start somewhere. The fact that you're starting is a great accomplishment. Imagine how you'll feel when you get it finished.

First little tidbit, you can't technically "fade in" to a black screen. I used "BLACKNESS" as a slugline in a recent script.

SHOWDOWN isn't necessary because it's describing something that hasn't happened yet, unless you're planning to have that visible on screen.

Every writer has a different style. I'd write it this way:

**************

BLACKNESS

In the void, spurred boots thump wood. Each slow step scatters spent bullet casings across the floor.

FADE IN:

INT. STANTON RANCH - DAY

Showdown. ....

************

Say as much as you can with as few words as possible. Capitalize the names of characters the first time they appear, e.g. instead of "Apache" just use APACHE.

Where possible, rather than "this thing is doing something" try to use "this thing does something". For example, instead of "He is standing..." use "He stands..."

Welcome to the wonderful world of writing. Best advice I ever got was "Don't get it right, get it written!" In other words, don't worry so much about the technical stuff until you have your draft finished. Then you can polish and edit and format until your heart's content. I am a perfectionist, so I find it very difficult to live by this mantra. I'm often yelling at myself in my mind that very phrase.

Pick up a book called "The Hollywood Standard: The Complete and Authoritative Guide to Script Format and Style". Best book on formatting I've ever read.

One other thought, I spend hours and hours during a rewrite thinking about ways to avoid cliche'. It's not easy because it's usually the first thing that comes to mind, and when I'm in a hurry to fill blank pages while drafting, often what pops up is very cliche'. For example, do you know how often western folk ride off into the sunset?

 

[Jijenji]

Hey everyone let me first just say that I am new to the forum and that I am quite new to writing scripts altogether. I write short stories quite frequently in my spare time, and so I have decided to try and write a script. I am seventeen and I live in Toronto and I'm still in high school just in case anybody is wondering. I want to give a sample of the first little bit of my script, which is a western by the way, I wanted to write something that would be a cross between Quentin Tarantino's style and Sergio Leone's style...I was hoping that you guys could tell me what I need to improve on, and any advice on how to stay focused on this script would be great. I hope you enjoy what I have written so far, lol I am a little embarassed submitting this on here

P.S when I wrote the part for APACHE i had Michael Madsen in mind lol

SHOWDOWN
FADE IN:

1 INT- STANTON RANCH- DAY

The screen is Pitch black, all that can be heard is the sound of spurred boots slowly making their way across the floor, with each step used bullet casings are scattered about the wooden floor. The black and white image begins to fade in, an image of a mans back makes its way into view, on the back of his pitch black jacket is a picture of a cobra, above the picture reads, "Sterling Cobra's" the man wearing this jacket is known as, "Apache". He is standing over Arch Stanton who is covered in blood and lying on the floor, next to him lay two dead bodies, one of which is a woman, the other a boy. Apache slowly draws his sterling silver pistol from his holster and aims it at the man on the floor.

APACHE
You know, there's a certain saying that I've grown quite fond of, "revenge is sweet," I've always had a sweet tooth. (Spit) Adios amigo.

Apache fires his pistol at the head of the man on the floor, the man's head jitters straight to the hardwood with a loud thud and all life makes its escape.

2 EXT- STANTON RANCH- DAY

As Apache slowly makes his exit from the hell hole that has become the Stanton family home, three other men make their way into view, each members of the Sterling Cobra's.

APACHE
(Stare sympathetically at the home) Burn it and let's get outta here.

The screen fades to black as the four men casually gallop into the sunset

Hello Monco! Welcome to IndieTalk and I'm sure you'll find lots of valuable tips here and knowledgeable people willing to help you. I will offer some advice of my own here:

1. Don't number your scenes. That is a shooting script convention...not spec writing. Spec = speculative, as in you're writing it in hopes that someone will eventually buy it. I hate the fact that online, if you go to script websites and try to find out how to write a script from the experts, they post shooting scripts and that's why so many beginners do things they shouldn't...because people post shooting scripts. Anyways, yeah...don't number scenes.

2. VP is right...you can't technically fade in on a black screen. You fade in and then do your slug line, OR you use a black screen...but I will show you how I do that below.

3. Use active present tense verbs pretty much exclusively. There are only rare exceptions where I think it's ok and I'm not going to get into that but let me just say "is standing" is a negative. "Stands" works much better.

4. Shorter sentences. Like this. You don't have to have a verb all the time either. Like this, again.

5. When I type, I have a tendency to overtype (kinda like this paragraph). If you ever read my postings on here, they ramble on sometimes. To fix this when I screenwrite, I type as I normally do, then hit the return button several times, and re-type what I just typed, always looking at the new text and the old and changing it as I go along. That's how I edit. I'll do this over and over and over if needed. Then, I'll pull up the print preview screen and read that part of the script out loud, sometimes to myself, etc. The point being I try to get as many different angles as I can, and continue to edit and shorten sentences and dialogue.

6. Try not to use abstract verbs like "be", "is", "are" etc. Try to use concrete verbs and nouns. The better the word you use, the less you need to use adverbs and adjectives. Which leads to shorter writing.

7. Rhythm makes writing. The variation in sentence length, repetition, where you put periods, etc. Check out this example:

Apache raises his gun, aims it right between Stanton's eyes. The bloody man on the floor starts to slide backward, along the ground.

Apache fires.

And Stanton's lifeless head hits the ground with a thud.

(there are many ways to write it and I'm sure others have better suggestions)....

8. Two parts to screenwriting...the storytelling part and the technical part. I like your story, you jumped right into it. In my opinion, every first scene should have a good conflict, right off the bat, then the second scene can give the audience a chance to breath. So I like what you did there. As for the technical side...it's all about being professional and doing some of the things I've said and others will add I'm sure. When people in the biz read your script, lots of technical things (like some of the things I've mentioned above) will tell them whether you know what you're doing or not.

9. Don't forget to add character descriptions and CAP their name the first time they appear in the script.

10. Finally, don't be afraid to use your mind. Nobody can tell you how to be a good writer. It's in there. Listen to others to get an idea and tips, but never assume that following a formula will get you anywhere. That's for people who run seminars and write books, without willing people they wouldn't make any money (I'm not saying they don't do a service, just know you have to do it on your own at some point).

Here's how I would re-write yours. Again, there are lots of ways and I'm sure others will add better ones....

SHOWDOWN
(on cover page)​

BLACK SCREEN

Spurred boots bang against a wooden floor. One step. Then another. In between, spent bullet casings sprinkle the floor as well.

INT. STANTON RANCH - DAY

(Note: This scene is shot in BLACK and WHITE.)

The aftermath of accurate gunfire. A man stands with only his back in view, calmly holding a 5 1/2" six-shooter at his side. A few paces in front of him, three bodies decorate the ground. Two of them dead, a woman and a young boy.

The 26 year old gunman answers to the name APACHE. He wears a dark black jacket with a cobra on the back. "Sterling Cobras" it says. His gun does most of his talking, and people generally listen.

Now he takes a few steps forward. Re-cocks his gun.

APACHE
(his face now in view)
You know, there's a certain saying I kinda take to now. You reckon what that is?​

Beneath him, ARCH STANTON lies covered in blood, the two bodies at his side. The scruffy cowboy, too scared to think let alone talk, shakes his head.

APACHE
'Revenge is sweet.'​

Apache raises his six-shooter, aims it right between Stanton's eyes. The bloody man slides backward, along the cold wooden floor.

APACHE
Adios, amigo.​

Apache fires.

And Stanton's lifeless head hits the ground with a thud.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Hope this helps and good luck!

 

[indietalk]

 

[directorik]

We each find our own style, don’t we.

I agree with both that the sample you offered is over written. To
some degree so is Jijenji’s.

Spurred boots bang against a wooden floor. One step. Then another. In between, spent bullet casings sprinkle the floor as well.

Is “In between” and “as well” needed?

Not being picky (okay maybe a little) but pointing out that the
writing style is very personal.

And don’t use the parenthetical for action. If you want Apache to
stare sympathetically, that should go in the action line. Same
with “spit”. Use the parenthetical only to suggest how a line
should be read (quietly), (whispers), and even then use these
very, very sparingly.

Welcome to indietalk, Monco and as Vince said, don’t be embarassed.

 

[Jijenji]

We each find our own style, don’t we.

I agree with both that the sample you offered is over written. To
some degree so is Jijenji’s.

Is “In between” and “as well” needed?

Yeah, I edited this once or twice and took them out and put them back in. Now that I've slept I would take both out....

I prefer a cadence to my writing and sometimes I write things slightly different than normal if it flows better. Must have thought that was the case last night, but upon waking up I would definitely agree with Rik. I would also cut the "now" out of Apache's dialogue.

 

[Jijenji]

So yeah, here's my edited version, except I don't know how to get the italics off when I quote. Anyways, good luck.

SHOWDOWN
(on cover page)​

BLACK SCREEN

Spent bullet casings and spurred boots bang against a wooden floor. One step. Then another.

INT. STANTON RANCH - DAY

(Note: This scene is shot in BLACK and WHITE.)

The aftermath of accurate gunfire. A man stands with only his back in view, calmly holding a 5 1/2" six-shooter at his side. A few paces in front of him, three bodies decorate the ground. Two of them dead, a woman and a young boy.

The 26 year old gunman answers to the name APACHE. He wears a dark black jacket with a cobra on the back. "Sterling Cobras" it says. His gun does most of his talking, and people generally listen.

Now he takes a few steps forward, his face in full view. Re-cocks his gun.

APACHE
You know, there's a certain saying I kinda take to. You reckon what that is?​

Beneath him, ARCH STANTON lies covered in blood, the two bodies at his side. The scruffy cowboy, too scared to think let alone talk, shakes his head.

APACHE
'Revenge is sweet.'​

Apache raises his six-shooter, aims it right between Stanton's eyes. The bloody man slides backward along the cold wooden floor.

APACHE
Adios, amigo.​

Apache fires.

And Stanton's lifeless head hits the ground with a thud.

 

[barnaclelapse]

This is actually going to help me tremendously with my own editing that I desperately need to get into for the scripts I've written so far.

And great edit on the original post, man. The great idea was there, but I think you made it a lot sharper, smoother.

 

[Monco91]

thank you sooo much everybody for all the help...now that I am reading over what I had written I realise how many mistakes I made...I repeated so many things unecessarily...I will take advice from everyone here, once again thank you so much!

 

[Jijenji]

thank you sooo much everybody for all the help...now that I am reading over what I had written I realise how many mistakes I made...I repeated so many things unecessarily...I will take advice from everyone here, once again thank you so much!

Re-writing is the most important part of writing. I have to do it constantly, myself.
Also, my example is not particularly dramatic. Depending on how important a scene it is, you may want to leave it matter-of-fact like I did. Or if it's more important, dramatize it some more...although be careful not to overdo that.