Hey guys. So like most of you, I'm making a movie and I just finished writing a part that was very dialogue driven....That's fucking tough! I've seriously been mulling over this for days and I can't tell if its good or not. I feel that I might be too vague about what I'm trying to say. My intent is to show a side character whose a fucked up artist that's established in photography. Anyway, it would be awesome if some of you could give your input and at least tell me whether its good or shitty. I'm investing a lot of time and money into this, so I don't want to fuck it up, you know? Anyway, Thanks guys!
P.S I know its not perfectly formatted and is a bit difficult to read since I have some of the general shots included but its just the dialogue I'm worried about right now. Plus, its not as though I'm sending this to hollywood, right?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – MORNING
ECU ON JACK’S EYE, you see a closed eye sputtering up and down. Within seconds a phone RINGS in the background causing Jack to open his eyes.
WIDE SHOT OF JACK IN HIS BED, his hair is messy and he’s still wearing the same clothes he had on last night. An empty bottle lay near him. The sheets are half on the bed, half on the floor. His room is a complete wreak and he’s too hung over to give a shit. Jack slowly gets up and moves his hands from his chin to the back of his head, trying to get a hold of himself. His face is pinching from the pain of all those drinks he had last night.
FRONTAL SHOT, Jack then reaches to his nightstand to grab the ringing cell phone.
BUST SHOT, Jack answers.
JACK
(Horse voice)
Yeah?
HENRY FELSTEDT
(British Accent)
Hello. Jack Dolan?
JACK
Yeah.
HENRY FELSTEDT
Private investigator?
JACK
(Annoyed)
What?
HENRY FELSTEDT
This is Henry Felstedt.
JACK
I’m not open for business un...
HENRY
Yes, I read your hours on the ad. But, 12- 5 is a bit of a narrow work schedule, wouldn’t you say?
JACK gives a long sigh as he scratches the side of his nose.
HENRY
I’m just going to get right to it. I’m in need of your services and will pay whatever it takes to get the answers I want.
JACK
Alright…Let’s meet later.
HENRY
How does lunch sound?
JACK
That’s fine.
HENRY
Marvolous. We’ll meet at Demitri’s downtown. They have a wonderful Rosary Chicken that goes excellent with a fine Cabernet. It’s just wonderful. Well, Listen, I’ve got to run now, but we’ll have to catch up later. Does 12:30 work for you?
JACK
(slightly confused expression)
Yeah…
HENRY
Great. Then, we’ll see you there. Chow.
The man quickly hangs up. Jack moves the phone down and stares at it for a moment before placing it right next to him on the bed. He stares off, trying to soak in the whole conversation.
CUT TO:
EXT. DEMITRI’S DOWNTOWN – DAY: ESTABLISHING
FULL FRAME SIDE SHOT, Jack Dolan approaches a bed of flowers strewn across an ivory white fence before stopping to view the scene. Behind the small fence lies a fancy restaurant full of people dining for lunch. Waiters in tuxedos are walking all about, serving various customers.
OVER THE SHOULDER SHOT, After scoping out the place, he walks up to the entrance. Just as soon as he speaks to the server, asking for Henry Felstedt, you hear a voice YELLING for Jack.
HENRY
Mr. Dolan! Over here!
POV OF HENRY, Jack looks over and points at a table where Henry and a large TAN ASIAN MAN are sitting. The server lets him go through.
POV OF JACK, Jack makes his way over to the table as Henry extends his hand. The large stranger continues sitting there sipping on a glass of white wine, not even acknowledging Jack’s presence.
HENRY
It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.
Without even giving him a handshake, Jack calmly sits down. The man awkwardly draws his hand back and sits down as well. He begins to take a sip from his drink. Jack is still wearing the same clothes as the night before. Wrinkled flannel over a grey shirt and dirty blue jeans. He still bore a heavy face with a five o’clock shadow and was clearly undressed for the occasion.
Henry was very pale and thin. He wore a vanilla suit with a strawberry red tie and aside from his red circular glasses and the lightly trimmed black beard, he was completely bald and almost colorless. He also had a tattoo branded on the left side of his neck but his shirt collar covered most of it up so that you could only see the very tip of it.
His ASIAN friend still continues looking off, casually sipping on his wine. One shoulder resting on the chair and the other holding the glass. He’s wearing an all black suit and is also bald.
ANGLE ON JACK, He stares back at Henry with a plain expression and then moves his eyes over to the large man.
ANGLE ON LARGE MAN
ANGLE BACK ON JACK, he looks back at Henry
JACK
Lets just get down to business.
ANGLE ON HENRY, he finishes a sip of his red wine as Jack says this.
HENRY
So, terse. Troubled men only use that level of brevity in their discourse.
JACK
We’re not here to talk about me.
HENRY
Yes. Well, I suppose you’re right. But, you’ll have to excuse me. I like to know as much as I can about the people around me.
JACK
Something tells me we’re not gonna be around each other that much.
HENRY
(lightly smiles)
If you cannot understand each and every facet of the individual, then there is nothing but a dull breadth painting of the World.
FRONTAL SHOT, Jack moves in closer.
JACK
Who the hell are you?
HENRY
I’m an artist, Mr. Dolan.
The LARGE MAN sitting next to Henry begins saying something in Korean. His voice is plain like a narrator.
ANGLE ON JACK, as he looks over at the man.
JACK
And, who the fuck is this?
HENRY
It doesn’t matter right now.
Jack sits up and begins to smile.
JACK
This is bullshit.
HENRY
Is it, then? And, I suppose doubling your pay is also bullshit?
JACK
Keep talking.
HENRY
I’ve called you here because I suspect my wife is cheating on me…Have you ever been hurt by someone, Mr. Dolan?
Jack sat there blankly as though he were in deep thought.
HENRY
Ah yes. It seems I’ve struck a nerve in you. Would you like to talk about it?
JACK
Not particularly. So, you want me to check on your wife?
HENRY
Indeed.
JACK
Alright then. My going rate’s 2,500, but I guess today its 5,000. I’ll need half up front.
HENRY
That won’t be a problem.
JACK
Good.
Jack takes out a notepad and paper and prepares to write.
JACK
Now, I’m gonna need her name. where she works. Who she hangs around. Daily schedule. Anything that can give me a lead.
HENRY
Yes, of course.
He reaches into his jacket and pulls out a wallet. He takes out a photo of a woman with red hair and hands it to Jack.
HENRY
That’s Marissa Turner. She’s a T.A at the University of Maryland.
JACK
Hmm…
HENRY
I know what you’re thinking. Why is a man like me married to a woman like her?
JACK
Frankly, I don’t give a shit.
HENRY
(smiles while looking down)
Her life, Mr. Dolan. That’s why. I’m infatuated with her life; a bittersweet mix between a dream and a tragedy that spoke to me… like a painting. Absolutely magnificent.
Jack passes back the photo. Henry takes it and puts it back into his wallet.
HENRY
Marissa wanted to be a painter, you see. But, she failed. And, do you know why?
Jack patiently waits. After Henry puts the photo away, he takes another sip of his wine. Then, continues.
HENRY
She had nothing in her to express. Good art is never created for the sake of art, Mr. Dolan. It has always come from the inner depths of the individual and his ultimate expression of the social paradigm. And, that’s why I married her. I fell in love with Marissa the moment I realized she would never understand this principle because it was at this moment when I knew that she would never be a painter. Thus, forever sealing her fate to live a life of misery. Never satisfied. Never resting
Henry finishes the last bit of wine. Jack remains silent.
JACK
And, now she’s cheating on you.
HENRY
Well, it isn’t certain she’s fooling around. That’s where you come in. I need to know what she’s been doing behind my back. I have to know how far she’s gone in dealing with the pain of her marriage; of her failed career as an artist.
JACK
Why not divorce?
HENRY
Divorce? Why would I ever want to do that? Each and every given moment of her passing life is an enhancement to the portrait that I get to enjoy. Don’t you see, Mr. Dolan? I WANT you to find me an affair. I want a master painting. You can’t buy that kind of art from a studio.
JACK
Jesus…
WIDE SHOT, a waiter comes up
WAITER
Are you gentlemen ready to order?
There is a moment of SILENCE.
HENRY
Give us more time, please.
WAITER
Certainly.
As he walks away, Henry begins speaking.
HENRY
Oh my. It seems the wine has gotten to my head, again. So, where were we?
JACK
Where will she be for the next few days?
HENRY
Ah, yes. She spends most of her days in the lab. In fact, that’s where she’ll probably be later this evening.
JACK
Any particular time?
HENRY
I believe she said five.
JACK
Ok.
Jack closes his notepad and puts it back in his pocket as he gets out of his seat and begins to walk away.
HENRY
Won’t you stay for lunch?
JACK
I have all the information I need. I’ll call you when I have something.
HENRY
Mr. Dolan! Wait!
Jack turns around.
HENRY
Make sure you photograph them together. I want to know what she looks like when she’s not around me.
Jack turns back saying nothing, walking off with a slight look of DISGUST.
MCU ON HENRY, he looks off as Jack walks away.
HENRY
I like that man.
He begins to laugh.
ECU ON HENRY’S SMILE.
P.S I know its not perfectly formatted and is a bit difficult to read since I have some of the general shots included but its just the dialogue I'm worried about right now. Plus, its not as though I'm sending this to hollywood, right?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – MORNING
ECU ON JACK’S EYE, you see a closed eye sputtering up and down. Within seconds a phone RINGS in the background causing Jack to open his eyes.
WIDE SHOT OF JACK IN HIS BED, his hair is messy and he’s still wearing the same clothes he had on last night. An empty bottle lay near him. The sheets are half on the bed, half on the floor. His room is a complete wreak and he’s too hung over to give a shit. Jack slowly gets up and moves his hands from his chin to the back of his head, trying to get a hold of himself. His face is pinching from the pain of all those drinks he had last night.
FRONTAL SHOT, Jack then reaches to his nightstand to grab the ringing cell phone.
BUST SHOT, Jack answers.
JACK
(Horse voice)
Yeah?
HENRY FELSTEDT
(British Accent)
Hello. Jack Dolan?
JACK
Yeah.
HENRY FELSTEDT
Private investigator?
JACK
(Annoyed)
What?
HENRY FELSTEDT
This is Henry Felstedt.
JACK
I’m not open for business un...
HENRY
Yes, I read your hours on the ad. But, 12- 5 is a bit of a narrow work schedule, wouldn’t you say?
JACK gives a long sigh as he scratches the side of his nose.
HENRY
I’m just going to get right to it. I’m in need of your services and will pay whatever it takes to get the answers I want.
JACK
Alright…Let’s meet later.
HENRY
How does lunch sound?
JACK
That’s fine.
HENRY
Marvolous. We’ll meet at Demitri’s downtown. They have a wonderful Rosary Chicken that goes excellent with a fine Cabernet. It’s just wonderful. Well, Listen, I’ve got to run now, but we’ll have to catch up later. Does 12:30 work for you?
JACK
(slightly confused expression)
Yeah…
HENRY
Great. Then, we’ll see you there. Chow.
The man quickly hangs up. Jack moves the phone down and stares at it for a moment before placing it right next to him on the bed. He stares off, trying to soak in the whole conversation.
CUT TO:
EXT. DEMITRI’S DOWNTOWN – DAY: ESTABLISHING
FULL FRAME SIDE SHOT, Jack Dolan approaches a bed of flowers strewn across an ivory white fence before stopping to view the scene. Behind the small fence lies a fancy restaurant full of people dining for lunch. Waiters in tuxedos are walking all about, serving various customers.
OVER THE SHOULDER SHOT, After scoping out the place, he walks up to the entrance. Just as soon as he speaks to the server, asking for Henry Felstedt, you hear a voice YELLING for Jack.
HENRY
Mr. Dolan! Over here!
POV OF HENRY, Jack looks over and points at a table where Henry and a large TAN ASIAN MAN are sitting. The server lets him go through.
POV OF JACK, Jack makes his way over to the table as Henry extends his hand. The large stranger continues sitting there sipping on a glass of white wine, not even acknowledging Jack’s presence.
HENRY
It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.
Without even giving him a handshake, Jack calmly sits down. The man awkwardly draws his hand back and sits down as well. He begins to take a sip from his drink. Jack is still wearing the same clothes as the night before. Wrinkled flannel over a grey shirt and dirty blue jeans. He still bore a heavy face with a five o’clock shadow and was clearly undressed for the occasion.
Henry was very pale and thin. He wore a vanilla suit with a strawberry red tie and aside from his red circular glasses and the lightly trimmed black beard, he was completely bald and almost colorless. He also had a tattoo branded on the left side of his neck but his shirt collar covered most of it up so that you could only see the very tip of it.
His ASIAN friend still continues looking off, casually sipping on his wine. One shoulder resting on the chair and the other holding the glass. He’s wearing an all black suit and is also bald.
ANGLE ON JACK, He stares back at Henry with a plain expression and then moves his eyes over to the large man.
ANGLE ON LARGE MAN
ANGLE BACK ON JACK, he looks back at Henry
JACK
Lets just get down to business.
ANGLE ON HENRY, he finishes a sip of his red wine as Jack says this.
HENRY
So, terse. Troubled men only use that level of brevity in their discourse.
JACK
We’re not here to talk about me.
HENRY
Yes. Well, I suppose you’re right. But, you’ll have to excuse me. I like to know as much as I can about the people around me.
JACK
Something tells me we’re not gonna be around each other that much.
HENRY
(lightly smiles)
If you cannot understand each and every facet of the individual, then there is nothing but a dull breadth painting of the World.
FRONTAL SHOT, Jack moves in closer.
JACK
Who the hell are you?
HENRY
I’m an artist, Mr. Dolan.
The LARGE MAN sitting next to Henry begins saying something in Korean. His voice is plain like a narrator.
ANGLE ON JACK, as he looks over at the man.
JACK
And, who the fuck is this?
HENRY
It doesn’t matter right now.
Jack sits up and begins to smile.
JACK
This is bullshit.
HENRY
Is it, then? And, I suppose doubling your pay is also bullshit?
JACK
Keep talking.
HENRY
I’ve called you here because I suspect my wife is cheating on me…Have you ever been hurt by someone, Mr. Dolan?
Jack sat there blankly as though he were in deep thought.
HENRY
Ah yes. It seems I’ve struck a nerve in you. Would you like to talk about it?
JACK
Not particularly. So, you want me to check on your wife?
HENRY
Indeed.
JACK
Alright then. My going rate’s 2,500, but I guess today its 5,000. I’ll need half up front.
HENRY
That won’t be a problem.
JACK
Good.
Jack takes out a notepad and paper and prepares to write.
JACK
Now, I’m gonna need her name. where she works. Who she hangs around. Daily schedule. Anything that can give me a lead.
HENRY
Yes, of course.
He reaches into his jacket and pulls out a wallet. He takes out a photo of a woman with red hair and hands it to Jack.
HENRY
That’s Marissa Turner. She’s a T.A at the University of Maryland.
JACK
Hmm…
HENRY
I know what you’re thinking. Why is a man like me married to a woman like her?
JACK
Frankly, I don’t give a shit.
HENRY
(smiles while looking down)
Her life, Mr. Dolan. That’s why. I’m infatuated with her life; a bittersweet mix between a dream and a tragedy that spoke to me… like a painting. Absolutely magnificent.
Jack passes back the photo. Henry takes it and puts it back into his wallet.
HENRY
Marissa wanted to be a painter, you see. But, she failed. And, do you know why?
Jack patiently waits. After Henry puts the photo away, he takes another sip of his wine. Then, continues.
HENRY
She had nothing in her to express. Good art is never created for the sake of art, Mr. Dolan. It has always come from the inner depths of the individual and his ultimate expression of the social paradigm. And, that’s why I married her. I fell in love with Marissa the moment I realized she would never understand this principle because it was at this moment when I knew that she would never be a painter. Thus, forever sealing her fate to live a life of misery. Never satisfied. Never resting
Henry finishes the last bit of wine. Jack remains silent.
JACK
And, now she’s cheating on you.
HENRY
Well, it isn’t certain she’s fooling around. That’s where you come in. I need to know what she’s been doing behind my back. I have to know how far she’s gone in dealing with the pain of her marriage; of her failed career as an artist.
JACK
Why not divorce?
HENRY
Divorce? Why would I ever want to do that? Each and every given moment of her passing life is an enhancement to the portrait that I get to enjoy. Don’t you see, Mr. Dolan? I WANT you to find me an affair. I want a master painting. You can’t buy that kind of art from a studio.
JACK
Jesus…
WIDE SHOT, a waiter comes up
WAITER
Are you gentlemen ready to order?
There is a moment of SILENCE.
HENRY
Give us more time, please.
WAITER
Certainly.
As he walks away, Henry begins speaking.
HENRY
Oh my. It seems the wine has gotten to my head, again. So, where were we?
JACK
Where will she be for the next few days?
HENRY
Ah, yes. She spends most of her days in the lab. In fact, that’s where she’ll probably be later this evening.
JACK
Any particular time?
HENRY
I believe she said five.
JACK
Ok.
Jack closes his notepad and puts it back in his pocket as he gets out of his seat and begins to walk away.
HENRY
Won’t you stay for lunch?
JACK
I have all the information I need. I’ll call you when I have something.
HENRY
Mr. Dolan! Wait!
Jack turns around.
HENRY
Make sure you photograph them together. I want to know what she looks like when she’s not around me.
Jack turns back saying nothing, walking off with a slight look of DISGUST.
MCU ON HENRY, he looks off as Jack walks away.
HENRY
I like that man.
He begins to laugh.
ECU ON HENRY’S SMILE.
