Need Help With Title + Logline

[Abraxas Studios]

Ok, so I'm developing my Logline and title, I've narrowed it down now to this:

Title: The Chorus Of War

Logline: Aspiring singer, John Scott, is drafted to fight in WWII; where he must adapt or die.

Is the logline too short? Maybe "Aspiring singer, John Scott, is launched in to unfamiliar territory when he is drafted to fight in WWII, where he must learn to adapt or die."

Also what do you all think of the title? I personally really like it, but then again, I would.

All opinions and input appreciated.

 

[laughingcrow]

But what does he do?

"In the trenches of WWII, a singling GI rallies the troops for one last push against Hitler's stronghold, setting off a chain of events that leads us to victory."

Maybe not exactly like that. But see what I did? Now we envision something much larger than just one man's struggle. Even if we see the war through his eyes. I'm just not sure if "adapting or dieing" is enough.

 

[Abraxas Studios]

I do see what you mean, something more like this maybe:

"A displaced musician, finds himself drafted to the front lines of WW2, where he must inspire his fellow soldiers to victory against Hitler's elite in one of the hardest fought battles of the war"

Thanks for your suggestion

 

[baoliun]

I would suggest browsing movies on IMDB and reading their loglines.

 

[IndiePaul]

I found this on the web a year or two ago. Thanks goes to the OP:

Great loglines need to combine all these 3 elements:

- What the protagonist must do.
(What happened to cause the protag to begin his quest/journey)

- How the protagonist goes about it.
(What is the protag actively doing?)

- What terrible thing will happen if the protagonist fails.
(What does the antagonist want?)

... or

1) Major goal of protag
2) Antagonistic force
3) Stakes

I think a lot of you guys make a mistake of trying to cram too much into two sentences.
I say do three or four sentences if it makes your sh!t more compelling.
Some ideas only need one, some need three or four.

If it's too long you're dead on arrival for sure. But cramming a sentence sucks even more...

In closing, number one problem I see in Loglines is that people focus on the wrong details.
Number two problem is that you don't allow yourselves the space to make your script sound awesome.

Writing a great logline is as important as writing a great script! You work tirelessly to write then re-write your script. Have you put the same effort into your logline? If not then you are making one of the most critical mistakes you can make as a writer!


“Raiders of the Lost Ark”
Just before the outbreak of World War II, an adventuring archaeologist named Indiana Jones races around the globe to single-handedly prevent the Nazis from turning the greatest archaeological relic of all time into a weapon of world conquest.

“Chicago”
A struggling stage performer kills her lover in a jealous rage, causing a media sensation.

“Jaws”
After a series of grisly shark attacks, a sheriff struggles to protect his small beach community against the
bloodthirsty monster, in spite of the greedy chamber of commerce.

“Pirates of the Caribbean”
A 17th Century tale of adventure on the Caribbean Sea where the roguish yet charming Captain Jack Sparrow joins forces with a young blacksmith in a gallant attempt to rescue the Governor of England's daughter and reclaim his ship.

“Midnight Cowboy”
Naïve Joe Buck arrives in New York City to make his fortune as a hustler, but soon strikes up an unlikely friendship with the first scoundrel he falls prey to.

“Spy Kids”
After segueing from a life of espionage to raising a family, Gregorio and Ingrid Cortez are called back into action. But when they are kidnapped by their evil nemesis, there are only two people in the world who can rescue them... their kids!

“Rushmore”
A precocious private high school student whose life revolves around his school competes with its most famous and successful alumnus for the affection of a first grade teacher.

“Seabiscuit”
The extraordinary story of a thoroughbred racehorse – from his humble beginnings as an under-fed workhorse to his unlikely rise and triumphant victory over the Triple Crown winner, War Admiral.

“The Fugitive”
After being falsely convicted of the murder of his wife, a once prominent surgeon escapes custody to find the real killer and clear his name.

 

[Lucky Hardwood]

Instead of "The Chorus of War" I prefer "A Chorus of War". It just sounds better to my ear. What about your MC makes it so difficult for him specifically (more so than the hundreds of thousands of other servicemen) to adapt to war? Is he a pacifist? In the 40s that would have been considered extremely unmanly. How about, "At the height of WWII, struggling musician John Doe must overcome his pacifistic nature in order to save his platoon from annihilation."?

 

[Sweetie]

I think Lucky nailed it on the head. There is nothing in the logline that shows that the story will be different from any other WWII story already told a thousand times. There's nothing to show you why a musicians angle will be any more interesting.

The stakes may not be high enough for people to care. Those who are pulled towards these kinds of stories (war) are used to seeing soldiers die, so I think adapt or die is the wrong thing to focus on in your logline.

Then again, I'm not a huge fan of the logline for Saving Private Ryan (so my opinion may be highly faulty): "Following the Normandy Landings, a group of U.S. soldiers go behind enemy lines to retrieve a paratrooper whose brothers have been killed in action."

I have no suggestions on how to fix it though.

A Chorus of War

+1 with the title too. Getting it higher alphabetically is smart and is also a better title.

 

[Alcove Audio]

Title - War Songs or Songs of War

They fit on the marquee much better.

Other ideas:

Battle Song

Combat Chorale (nice and alliterative)

A Soldiers Song (again, nice and alliterative)

Fight Songs



My question is, does his profession actually matter? There were thousands of musicians and plumbers and butchers and cops and accountants and any other profession you can name that were drafted.



And just because I can't help myself...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qafnJ6mRbgk

 

[Abraxas Studios]

Thank you all for your suggestions, I've been thinking over the logline again over night.

Also I think I will go with the title: A Chorus Of War. I was contemplating it anyway, but the fact that it's higher alphabetically and it does seems to flow a bit better makes it a better choice.

Anyway, the logline, here's what I have so far now:

"An alcoholic musician is drafted to the front lines of WWII. He must inspire his fellow soldiers to victory against Hitler's elite, in a battle that could determine the war."

Still needs a bit of brushing up on wording etc, but I think it is a far stronger logline as it now includes a stake.

What do you guys think?

Alcove, I think his profession does matter as throughout the film it will involve his profession, but I guess this is hard to put across in the logline.

I don't want it to be a musical by any means, but I would love to include some epic war anthems that people will remember, something similar to "The Rains of Castamere" in Game Of Thrones.

 

[A.D.]

"An alcoholic musician is drafted to the front lines of WWII. He must inspire his fellow soldiers to victory against Hitler's elite, in a battle that could determine the war."

If he's an acoholic, maybe add something about that fight that mirrors the war. Something about where he has to overcome his inner conflict before they can defeat the evil super zombie nazis that threaten to destroy all cute and fluffy life in the universe. Just without the cute stuff...

...'but can he defeat his inner demons before it's too late, and lead his squad to victory in a battle that would change history.'

I dunno, you get the idea anyway.

 

[Lucky Hardwood]

How about, "Drafted into the infantry near the end of WWII, an alcoholic musician must combat Hittler's demons as well as his own in an epic battle with the fate of the free world in the balance."?

 

[redcarpetmedia]

Not There Yet

The character's profession has to matter to the story in some meaningful way, and difficult or not, how it matters really needs to be part of your logline. Does he use his songs to rally the troops? Does he sing so badly that the enemy surrenders in order to make him stop crooning? Does he wipe out a machine gun nest armed with nothing but a clarinet? Whatever it is, that's your secret sauce to make the script stand out.

 

[Revvd Media]

4 things required:

- Irony: A good logline must show something that is unexpected and emotionally intriguing, which is pretty much the same thing as having an element of dramatic irony.
- A compelling mental picture: A good logline should present the potential for the entire movie to blossom in your brain, from one or two sentences.
- Audience and cost: A good logline should convey a sense of who would be interested in watching the movie, and a rough idea of how much it might cost to make.
- Killer title: Not really a part of the logline proper, but the title also plays a part in the logline pitch, and the part the title needs to play is to say what the movie is, as clearly as possible, and with an ironic punch of its own.

Excerpted from Blake Snyder's "Save The Cat", via The Kelworth Files.

 

[Homicidal Chimpanzee]

If I may... the "formula" for loglines that I learned and seems to hold true is:

1. Goal
2. Obstacles
3. Stakes

So, for this story, it seems like Lucky Hardwood's came every close, but needs a small boost in the goal section. Try this on:

Determined to survive his term of service in the infantry near the end of WWII, an alcoholic musician must wrestle his own demons while fighting hardened SS stormtroopers in an epic battle whose outcome could determine the fate of the free world.

I just realized that it's important to know what the genre/tone you're going for is on this... it suddenly hit me to ask if you are doing a musical of some kind here? Does he break out into song a bunch of times? If so, then the above logline probably doesn't emphasize the singing part enough.

 

[Will Vincent]

"An alcoholic musician is drafted to the front lines of WWII. He must inspire his fellow soldiers to victory against Hitler's elite, in a battle that could determine the war."

Still a bit too vague and hand wavy to me.. Maybe need to raise the stakes a bit.

Near the end of the war, when their commanding officer is killed in action, it is up to musician John Scott to rally his fellow soldiers in their fight against Hitler's deeply entrenched storm troopers. Will it be the outcome of their next battle, or John's ongoing battle with the bottle that determines whether they make it home alive?

The picture this paints in my head is that these guys are maybe trapped behind enemy lines, their CO is dead, the war is slowly coming to an end but there are still many strong hold-outs in the enemy camp. They need to get back to base, but they can't.. they're overwhelmed, and far from home. The one guy who can get them together to get out has a heavy fight with alcoholism going on.. is he drunk? Is he going through withdrawl issues?

I can almost picture a Frank Sinatra/Harry Conick Jr. type ... good old wartime musical, singing soldier fare..

Anyway, food for thought

 

[Egidio]

Ok, so I'm developing my Logline and title, I've narrowed it down now to this:

Title: The Chorus Of War

Logline: Aspiring singer, John Scott, is drafted to fight in WWII; where he must adapt or die.

Is the logline too short? Maybe "Aspiring singer, John Scott, is launched in to unfamiliar territory when he is drafted to fight in WWII, where he must learn to adapt or die."

Also what do you all think of the title? I personally really like it, but then again, I would.

All opinions and input appreciated.

I'd go with: Chorus of War

Logline is good but you should delete the name. Just go like this: "An aspiring singer is launched in to unfamiliar territory when he is drafted to fight in WWII, where he must learn to adapt or die."

 

[joejohn123]

Ok, so I'm developing my Logline and title, I've narrowed it down now to this:

Title: The Chorus Of War

Logline: Aspiring singer, John Scott, is drafted to fight in WWII; where he must adapt or die.

Is the logline too short? Maybe "Aspiring singer, John Scott, is launched in to unfamiliar territory when he is drafted to fight in WWII, where he must learn to adapt or die."

Also what do you all think of the title? I personally really like it, but then again, I would.

All opinions and input appreciated.

According to my level of intelligence ,it is enough.
It is more descriptive to make common mans IQ like mine to get it... ..

Aesthetic mind on one side and demanded (questioned (?)) will of honesty and dedication on the other side .