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My Organ Lottery- 3 pages

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This is a real good start. This isn't a complaint against your work but you need to tell a story. I have read many pieces on here. The biggest issue is, even as an indie producer/director/screenwriter, you need to tell a story, not a snippet.

You did a wonderful job creating this visual picture of a woman who is desperate. She is in pain and fighting to maintain a normal existence. You lead up to her participating in this lottery. Then you stop. That is not a 'literary device'. You simply don't have an ending.

How could you make it work? Have her look at the ticket and see the number 37. Have her toss it in the wastebasket. Give her final soliloquy. Flip to the sidewalk and have a homeless guy watching a TV in the store window. Have her number scroll across the television. Have the homeless guy stagger off. Fade to black.

How is that different? You did a marvelous job creating a character who is fragile at first and then patently resigned at the end. And if she were not so, she would have lived. But her own strength is what condemns her. Contrasting the news casters dog story to the homeless man creates another subtle parallel of how we treat each other. Now you have an ending that completes both the objective purpose (the lottery) and the subjective purpose (value of human life).

For three pages, I think you managed to encapsulate beautifully the poignant tragedy. Just develop it out.
 
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This was an interesting read. I'm not sure whether you've read our Community Ideas hub and so I'm not sure whether you intended this piece to fit with what we've been doing there. As a result it didn't really feel like it was constrained by the same self imposed regulations.

That's not to say I didn't like it, it was just interesting seeing a script on the same topic but done in a completely different way.

I wasn't sure about the conversation with the cashier. I'm not sure how naturalistically that would play out in conversation. I also didn't really understand the jokes in there, but that might just have been me being obtuse.

What I did like was the slow, practical poignancy. There wasn't any hysteria, it was just an acceptance that had already dawned, rather than a sudden realisation. In that sense it was quite similar to PTPs script on the same subject, which also dealt with characters who had spent years battling illness and could no longer get excited by such a slim chance of a cure...

I was a little confused by the news anchors, but that could just be because you were treating the subject very differently from how we are. What I didn't get was why they were being so cynical about the draw, especially on the news. 'Tickets' would only have been bought by people who desperately needed organ transplants, so would a news anchor really describe it as a 'surtax on desperation'? I'm not sure.

But overall I did enjoy the sombre tone of the piece and Deborah's complex relationship with her own illness...

:)
 
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The biggest issue is, even as an indie producer/director/screenwriter, you need to tell a story, not a snippet.
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This is my biggest problem. I just have to keep practicing, trying to wrap things up in a satisfactory way. Thanks for the suggestions.
@Nick:
I was a little confused by the news anchors, but that could just be because you were treating the subject very differently from how we are. What I didn't get was why they were being so cynical about the draw, especially on the news.
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You're totally right, it should have been Deborah's line. Thanks for the feedback, I'll just keep working. :)
 
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Way to take critique -- seriously, it's a bit refreshing :) Jumping in and just taking in on the chin and not getting upset is cool! I'm excited to see how this script develops.

jrsmithson said:
This is my biggest problem. I just have to keep practicing, trying to wrap things up in a satisfactory way. Thanks for the suggestions.
@Nick:
You're totally right, it should have been Deborah's line. Thanks for the feedback, I'll just keep working. :)
Click to expand...
 
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