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My First Screenplay - Walking Away

campbmic

campbmic

Quick Read - First Screen Play Thanks!

Hi guys! Well I've been around this site for just a short amount of time. Im completely new to filmmaking, and as of right now I don't know anybody that is interested in making shorts so I figured I would start by doing a little screen writing (only takes one person!). This is my first attempt and I'm sure I've messed a lot of things up and thats why I'm here! So any words on the story or my formatting would be great.

I will gladly accept and appreciate any criticisms, comments, free pizza, or money. Its only 7 pages so please someone bare through it :)

EDIT NEW LINK
https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&...MzBlNi00YjdjLWI2NzQtYjBlNWI2MDM5M2Uy&hl=en_US

Thanks
 
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When I read it I couldn't help but hear Eric Burdon reading the VO in the style and with the music of 'Spill the Wine' in my head.

But seriously, I think it could be a fun short to make. You've managed to convey a mood. But also I don't really think you need the VO. You've basically got a guy telling you what you're already seeing, and if he's not going to be doing some crazy Johnny Cash style reading, the dialog doesn't strike me as very natural most of the time.

Also, why is he telling this story at all? Maybe give us a little more with the two friends, the one guy should do something that causes the other guy to tell the story.

The ending is pretty abrupt an Aesop-y. If you flesh out the businessman's decision a bit more to make it more clear without having to say it at the end, that might work better :)
 
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Dreadylocks said:
Also, why is he telling this story at all? Maybe give us a little more with the two friends, the one guy should do something that causes the other guy to tell the story.

The ending is pretty abrupt an Aesop-y. If you flesh out the businessman's decision a bit more to make it more clear without having to say it at the end, that might work better :)
Click to expand...

I think he wants the guy telling the story, there's the note for "silence". I assume there will be no sound at all when cutting to the bar/cowboy scenes. I think Dread is right tho, there should be a little bit more going on in the cafe. maybe its a diner and there's the hustle and bustle of such an eatery, sizzling bacon, waitress making rounds.

I'm not too sure though about the ages of the narrator and his listener(John and Peter). He speaks too philosophically, with emphasis on the detail, and slow pace of his narration puts him a couple years older. He seems more knowledgeable than a mid 20s someone. It might work better(for me) if John was maybe Peter's older mentor. Maybe Peter complains about a bully at school. Peter wants to retaliate and John breaks into the story. Or maybe a deusch at Peter's first job.

I liked the mix of silence and the voice over. I'm wondering if it might be too much to hear the sounds voice over of John and Peter's scene over the silence of the Cowboy's scene. Maybe it just fades out slightly then volumes up when cutting back to the cafe.

Is this a short or something longer? Try looking up some camera lingo to shorten your shot description ie "perspective"=POV

There's a lot of panning going on which might lose your audience if camera is moving up and down every time there's a scene switch-maybe something a little more subtle. I wouldn't even worry about your transitions until you have a solid story down-its up to you tho.

Your action descriptions could use a little work. Instead of putting things in brackets {on the left}...write it in a way that is inclusive in the action like..

INT. CAFE-NIGHT

A small cafe. In a red booth sit JOHN and PETER, mid 20s. They face each other while smoking and sipping coffee, John on the left. (you don't need to say who listens and who speaks its clear from dialogue)

another

EXT. Train Station-DAY

A train eases past on sunbathed tracks. Through the gaps, a lone man stands. The final train car glides past, the man, a COWBOY. He lights a cigarette. Tattooed and stone-faced, he squints at the sun and takes a drag.

I added something but you get the point.
 
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Thanks very much for the help so far! Im excited about this and I feel its a great way for me to channel alot of my energy. Im rewritting this script and also beginning work on my second!
 
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Well you need to work out some formatting issues, but other than that it seems pretty solid. Though, I think you can cut down a lot of John's V.O. It seems kind of redundant when you have lines like

In slow motion cowboy stumbles to his feet

John (V.O.) ... stumbles to his feet
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this happens. Show, don't tell. I would suggest when you cut all of this together after filming, ask yourself if you really need the VO. If someone could follow the story without it, then don't put it in. Kind of like the difference between the director's cut (no VO) of Blade Runner and the theatrical cut (VO).


Other than that, it looks great. :)
 
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