Thanks for the comments SFoster. You're definitely right about the over-description in the opening. I have actually re-written this since I posted it here a while back and cut a lot of the description back.
The line you suggested to replace the introduction is perhaps better than what I came up with so will re-look at that. I'm not sure about the slugline "EXT NIGHT - LONDON BACKSTREET." though. Is there any particular reason for putting NIGHT before the location in this example?
Regarding the second scene being the same scene (from a different viewpoint) is simply to convey that someone is spying on the guy from another location. It seemed the most logical way to write it to me, do you have another suggestion? In reality, it's the same scene but we somehow need to know that someone else is hidden there, watching him.
I may look to change my opening scene, I have had a few other ideas of how to start the story, but as for the beginning being boring because a guy is waiting for someone, that aspect of it only lasts a few seconds. Is that really significant? Within the next 60 seconds, we see he is being spied on, he then calls a drug client, realises he's been set up by someone, hot tails it out of there and then get's knocked out by an attacker.
The legs thing, yes I agree. It's one of those descriptions I've put in because it is how I envisioned the scene in my mind. I may take that out altogether and leave it for the director to decide after Jay is knocked out. If not, as you say, I need to describe what the legs look like.
The idea of him being sideswiped while being on alert to a threat is because he's expecting the threat to come from behind him. It's when he's looking over his shoulder he gets hit (maybe I should make that clearer?) SPOILER: the person spying on him in the alleyway isn't the same one who hits him.
Lastly, the title is just a working title. Still haven't decided what to call it yet. Also, I am considering toning the sexual aspect down. Not sure if it is perhaps a bit too much. The script is intended to be a gritty low-budget Indie horror/drama so that's what I'm tailoring it towards.
Thanks for reading it and giving your feedback, I do appreciate it.
i didnt put any thought into slugline lol sorry. youre right that i put night out of order.
The method to convey that someone is watching him is up to the director. And you want coverage.
If you only film it from the camera POV then you only have one option in editing.
Film it from the POV. film the guy standing there in cool intimidating lighting, hiding in the shadows.
get them both in one shot. etc who knows.
the script can simple say that there is a man watching him.
now you've got the creative juices of the director flowing, the director starts thinking about how he wants to depict it.. as long as we know he is being watched then the suspense has been created.
generally directors put extra thought into the opening sequence. in some movies the opening is kinda boring and what they do is jump ahead to exciting action. you see a gunshot or whatever and someone panic. and then "20 days earlier" or whatever and the movie starts. They do that because its important not to have a boring beginning. I think especially online if people just see someone waiting around for an entire 60 seconds i would cut all that out as an editor.
immediately have the guy spying on him kick a can or something. or maybe a cat rubs up against his leg and he punts the cat. MEEEOW we hear.
the guy waiting is suspicious and looks around. get to that suspense in whatever way you can. the sooner we know that he is being watched the sooner your movie is about something. the audience is allowed to know it long before HE knows it.
at least say if they are a man or womans legs.
yeah id say make it clearer. go jurassic park 'clever girl' on him.
Have the one come out of hiding and be seen. He turns around to bolt in the other direction and WHAM the second one hits him
its one of those things where the audience can relate to it. make the audience fall for the same trap that he falls for. its more fun to watch.
the sexual aspect will make it harder to cast. anything sexual always gets less auditions and you may end up with worse talent on the screen.