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Love is Online (2nd draft)

theauteur

theauteur

Hey guys,

I wrote the second draft of my short, Love is Online. I posted the first draft last month and got some good comments. People told me about the lack of visuals in the story; therefore, I've added other elements to it, and tried to expand the story. As a result of this, page count has increased from seven to 12.

I will make this short in October, so I've a lot of time to make changes to it before I make it. So feel free to criticize anyway you want. Anything constructive is welcome (about the title of the short, too) :)

And I was not sure if it would be right to bump an old thread, so I created a new one. If it's against the rules, my apologies.

http://flipsydeworld.com/LoveisOnline.pdf
 
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Random thought for you;

I like the story, but i have a hard time imagining how it will hold interest as a film, seeing as most of it is two people sitting in front of a computer, typing messages. I like the montages and restaurant scenes, because the characters are doing something. Maybe it's just me. I use Facebook and spend tons of time online - though I admit rarely chatting, but I don't think I want to spend even one minute of my lmovie watching time watching people do it. I guess that's the challenge, how do you make online chatting interesting to watch?

FYI he direction to tell us that there is a back-and-forth exchange between two locations is INTERCUT. This is used for Phone calls, walkie-talkie communication in war films, etc.

In the opening scene, Mike is typing into a chat window. For which forum? I think this is a KEY piece of information. Is it Facebook chat? If so, they have to be friends already. If it's some other forum, then you have a little problem later on, when a picture of Mike pops up on the facebook feed. Kate says no to meeting Mike because a picture of him drinking pops up on the recent newsfeed of facebook, just as she is making her decision. Something doesn't ring true here. He says that he got Kate's i.d. from a friend. If I were Kate, I would want to know which friend. Or more than likely, I wouldn't confirm him as a facebook friend. By the way, later when talking about the picture Mike says, "Ask Adam yourself." Who is Adam? He kind of pops up without warning. There must be some backstory here that we are missing and that needs to be revealed.

Anyway, you can't call it facebook in your film. You'll have to come up with an original name for a social network to avoid copyright infringement problems.

I find the idea of Kate calling Mike's ex a 'bitch' because she refuses to accept his apologies unlikely and/or troublesome. Even if some girls might say that, it makes Kate less likeable, less sympathetic. When I read that, I thought Mike should forget her and find a more sympathetic ear.

Natalie's last line of dialogue is 'Cya later.' That's ok for chat dialog on the Internet, but not for speech in a script. 'See ya later' is what you should write (picky I know, but hey, if you're gonna do something, do it right, eh?).

'one on one interaction', should be hypehnated 'one-on-one interaction.' Sorry, I'm an English teacher.

When Mike gets his test results, you say, "Mike is uncontrollably happy. His face is the prime evidence
for this." Just say, "He smiles." or "His face lights up with joy." if you want to be poetic, do it by describing action rather than internalizations.

Jim says "I'll have one caffee mocha." More likely, he would say "I'll have a caffee mocha."

Like I say, random thoughts.

Oh, and I like LOVE ONLINE better than LOVE IS ONLINE.

Good luck,

B
 
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@cmnervegna

Thanks for the read :) About the inspiration, I don't know. It just occurs lol.

@arrodiii

Thanks for giving it a read! Appreciate it :)

@bilinguru

Wow, thanks for a great reply!

I know it's a big challenge to hold the attention of the viewer, but I'll give it my best shot. Let's see how it turns out.

Yeah, you are correct about the Intercut part, but I thought it would be really mundane to use it again and again, for most of the conversations take place online. I'll add it at the starting for sure.

About the software they use to chat, I'm going to test some for Camtasia Studio and will choose which works the best. You're right, I'll add it.

I didn't know you can't use Facebook in your movie; however, I've seen in movies, TV shows that they use YouTube, Facebook etc. Can you please confirm that?

I agree with the rest. And yeah, Love Online sounds better.

Thanks again!
 
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Any movies that show proprietary programs (like YouTube or Facebook) have gained the permission of the owners. I guess it's OK as long as you ask their permission (and perhaps pay them.) To avoid all that shit, just make up a social network name - like 'friendchat' or 'matenet'. I don't know, just be creative.

INTERCUT is not an option - it's standard script format. So, you just can't use it at the beginning. You have to include that direction every time you layout a scene between Kate and Mike dialoging online.

Glad you found value in the comments.

Rock on Nav

B
 
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