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Looking for some feedback

R

RikvanT

Hello everyone!

I am totally new to both scriptwriting and this forum. To learn more about writing, I was reading some articles about common mistakes in scriptwriting etc. While reading, I got worried that I might be imitating other writers rather than creating something authentic.

I'd love to get some feedback on some pages of my script.



Thank you so much, I look forward to your feedback! :)

Rik
 
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Hi Rik,

My notes/comments on your script:

- FADE IN: -> You must put it at the beginning.

- Is the soundtrack necessary to your story? You are not supposed to insert soundtracks.

- Unfamiliar COUGHING and FOOTSTEPS from downstairs (try to be more concise, it's not prose).

- I would remove “decides to check it out” → What does she do? Does she stand up and go to the door?

- I would remove “One per every mile”, it's not essential, and you've already made clear Roy's thoughts.

- “He tends to make things more complicated than they are” → Why don't you write “He always makes things more complicated”?

- “Well, it was nice meeting you, Mr Gardner. Goodbye” sounds better to me.

- “To other men” or “To strangers”?



I like your script! What's for? Good luck with your writing!

:)
 
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Hello!

Thanks a million for your feedback. It means a great deal to me. :)

It's not really a movie project or anything. I'm just writing for fun and experience. If you have the time, I'd love to show you more. I can use the feedback!

Regards,

Rik
 
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Script-ore said:
Thanks, directorik! I didn't know that rule :)
Click to expand...
You're welcome.

I suggest being very cautious when saying something "must" be
done or something "must not" be done. There really aren't too
many things in proper format the must be done. "FADE IN" and
"FADE OUT" are not absolutely necessary.

For example:
Rik here over-uses parentheticals. There is no reason to offer
line readings this way. But it is not a "must not". Most professional
readers will suggest they not be used - but it is still proper format
to use them.

Even the inclusion of a song. In general songs shouldn't be mentioned
in a script. In Rik's example it is proper format. Just not advised.
 
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i number my scenes too for the point of having every scene thats at a location outlined. (Location A involves scene 1. 3 & 6, Location B has scenes 2, 4 & 5 as an example)

I will say, the language seems a little formal. It feels tight. That's just me. People in private arent overly formal.

I think "Sad Frown" is a little redundant.

if this language and vibe got looser and looser it could really help later on in the story. Like, she's in a "prison" so the language being formal can make sense if the language gets more loose as she gains more "freedom". Prison = formal/tight diction, Freedom= looser diction. Could play an interesting part that the female main characters pursues freedom and speaks more and more free. I dont know tho. Just my opinion.
 
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Originally posted by David
i number my scenes too for the point of having every scene thats at a location outlined. (Location A involves scene 1. 3 & 6, Location B has scenes 2, 4 & 5 as an example)
Click to expand...

Scene numbers are usually added when the script goes into pre-production, for exactly that reason.
 
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Im fairly positive no one will ever pick up one of my scripts and want to buy it. I always felt I'd end up filming stuff myself so I started using the technique. But I dont do it in my actual screenplay so i don't confuse anyone reading it.
 
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