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critique Looking for some feedback - first 10 pages of my screenplay

Hi, recently finished my first feature length screenplay. It is a sci-fi thriller with an edge of dry humour. I'm posting the first 10 minutes of the script. Would really appreciate some feedback from any kind person who is willing to give their time to read it.
 

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Hey, just from looking at it have I to know what software you are using ? Something seems off with the formatting, it could just be how it was downloaded.

What are smart shoes? Maybe describe them, how will I know they are smart shoes shoes from looking at them.

I think you're nailing your descriptions.

Most slug lines I've seen are something like INT. KITCHEN - DAY
While you use INT. KITCHEN. DAY

I'm not sure if a period versus a dash is such a big deal, I've just never seen it before. I'd look into this more just for caution because some people will tear you up for formatting.

I think it's a very interesting story, I'm interested to see where it goes.

Maybe post the outline or a log line for context.
 
Hi Ollie, many thanks for taking the time to read it and for your feedback.

In reply to your first question, I've just used a generic word processor program for this initial screenplay unfortunately. I'm planning to fork out for a copy of Final Draft at some point, have heard I can import a plain text file into it and put it into the correct format then. Don't suppose anyone has any recommendations for any free to use software that will do the job?

The point about the smart shoes was just to try and convey he is not dressed in proper running attire. Perhaps I should simply change to black leather shoes?

Thanks for pointing out the slugline format. Not sure why I've done it with a period rather than a dash. Will definitely go through and change them all.

The logline of the screenplay is currently - "A humdrum Lab Technician heeds a call to action after discovering his tormenting dreams are echoes from future dimensions. Prophetic visions guide him in his quest to prevent an apocalyptic war from materialising."

The story is basically about an average Joe who has foresight of some key events that will culminate in a catastrophic world war. When he discovers he is able to alter the outcome of the visions he sees, he sets out to break the chain of events. Without giving too much away, imagine the cliched question, "If you could go back in time and kill Hitler before he came to power, would you?", that should give you an idea of the path this story goes down.
 
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Just read it. It makes me want to know where the story goes, and I can imagine interesting images. Personally I prefer all sentences to be proper clauses and punctuation to be consistent for a flowing read, but the treatment for I Am Legend 2 also doesn't care about any of that so it's really up to your style. I feel like things could be trimmed down further, but it's definitely an interesting story so far :)
 
Just read it. It makes me want to know where the story goes, and I can imagine interesting images. Personally I prefer all sentences to be proper clauses and punctuation to be consistent for a flowing read, but the treatment for I Am Legend 2 also doesn't care about any of that so it's really up to your style. I feel like things could be trimmed down further, but it's definitely an interesting story so far :)

I appreciate the feedback. I'm glad you found it captured your interest. Still need to do a lot more work to get it up to a standard I'm happy with but honest feedback from other writers will hopefully help get me there.

Also, will also take a look in Trelby. Thanks for the recommendation.
 
Hi, the free app is Celtx (not Celtic). It is free and very capable.
I read the first part of the script. It is quite good and in general, characters are well introduced. Action is a bit chaotic, which may be a feature, but some viewers may not like too many temporal jumps, so should be used with a caution (recent example is an expensive Korean TV series "Eternal King", which script was a bit messy and first episode failed to catch attention, because it was so hard to grasp, and project director was replaced, but the very expensive project failed). For now, I think this script is largely avoiding and gradually starts to build tension. Which is good thing!
 
Celtx has a free version and so does WritersDuet.
Both are fine - I generally use whatever clients like :)
Thanks. I signed up and uploaded a short film I had saved in a doc. file, it formatted it all for me correctly. Birlliant! It does say my current free version ends in a week tough so not sure what happens after that exactly, do I just lose some features of whatever "package" they've started me with?
 
Damn! Looks like Celtx no longer has a free version.

You may want to follow the suggestion of the person who suggested Trelby. Here's a pretty recent article on software programs.

https://www.adamenfroy.com/best-screenwriting-software
Yes, Celtx' latest version is not free, and it also doesn't work on MacOS Catalina anymore. Its freeware version works on Mojave and Windows. If one uses Mac though, FadeIn is an excellent paid upgrade.
 
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Does the work around for Celtx still work? Once they limited you to 3 scripts, you could just get around it by starting scripts on their phone app and then continue on your computer. I did this last week and it still worked for me.
 
Does the work around for Celtx still work? Once they limited you to 3 scripts, you could just get around it by starting scripts on their phone app and then continue on your computer. I did this last week and it still worked for me.
yes of course, it works.
My general suggestion, though, if you are serious about script writing, you should invest few dollars in the specialized software, which is your working tool for many years ahead. If you use Mac, FadeIn is excellent and rather not expensive solution, but there are also heavyweights like Final Draft. It will help you to make your work to look and feel professional, save your time and help with your promotion. Freewares are fine, but don't expect maintenance and if the software is no longer developed, you won't be able to open your files etc. However, for occasional writing Celtx must be OK. As I said there are previous versions, which are free and I don't recall limitations much.
 
If you use Mac, FadeIn is excellent and rather not expensive solution, but there are also heavyweights like Final Draft.
Why do you mention if using a Mac? Why is it different for a PC/laptop using Windows? Also, with all of these options, are they web based so you can access from multiple devices?
 
Why do you mention if using a Mac? Why is it different for a PC/laptop using Windows? Also, with all of these options, are they web based so you can access from multiple devices?

Because it is different. As I mentioned earlier, some freeware like Celtx doesn't work on latest macos Catalina, so you have to use something different, like abovementioned FadeIn.

If you use Windows, you can use Celtx freeware, though it may have some limitations as well.

While one can use Celtx website, the best is to use standalone apps.

Finally, if one does really scriptwriting work, he or she should invest in its own tools, i.e. professional applications, and not cry about unavailable freeware, imho.

if it is a hobby or a first try, freeware and onlineware are perfectlty ok
 
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Make the story entirely about a guy being chased from the law and I would love to direct it. It is very simple to understand and you could easily make it follow the advice below.

If not though, keep this advice in mind:

Establish an inner and outer goal for every character in you film:
Base all of your character's actions around their goal:
Use Dan Harmond's Story Circle
Make dialog sound more realistic by thinking about what you would say as that character in the moment:
 
Make the story entirely about a guy being chased from the law and I would love to direct it. It is very simple to understand and you could easily make it follow the advice below.

If not though, keep this advice in mind:
Establish an inner and outer goal for every character in you film:
Base all of your character's actions around their goal:
Use Dan Harmond's Story Circle
Make dialog sound more realistic by thinking about what you would say as that character in the moment:
Thank you for your feedback. The movie does eventually culminate in a run from the law as his dreams predict but it isn't the main scope of the story, it is more a psychological adventure.

As for Dan Harmons circle, that's a good point and I do think I've followed that in this script with the protaganists character arc, he goes through each of the stages although (spoiler) his final change is bittersweet. Obviously this is only the first 10 pages, so it only gives a glimpse of the story. If you do have any further interest in the concept though, I can send you the full script or a treatment to evaluate.
 
Thank you for your feedback. The movie does eventually culminate in a run from the law as his dreams predict but it isn't the main scope of the story, it is more a psychological adventure.

As for Dan Harmons circle, that's a good point and I do think I've followed that in this script with the protaganists character arc, he goes through each of the stages although (spoiler) his final change is bittersweet. Obviously this is only the first 10 pages, so it only gives a glimpse of the story. If you do have any further interest in the concept though, I can send you the full script or a treatment to evaluate.
Sure, I'm interested, that sounds awesome
 
Hi, recently finished my first feature length screenplay. It is a sci-fi thriller with an edge of dry humour. I'm posting the first 10 minutes of the script. Would really appreciate some feedback from any kind person who is willing to give their time to read it.
Hay man, read the excerpt your action lines are well written and the scenes seem to flow at a thriller pace. The dialogue is funny at times " fast car cos it’s falling off a cliff" is a good one but the voices do somewhat blend into one another, I'm a little worried the characters are missing a subtext to draw from the way they act or speak seems stereotypical. Everyone refers to someone's butt as an "ass" for example perhaps mixing up vocabularies would help. Although they all work around the office Charlie is a security guard these differentiations in profession make me think Charlie would be more likely to speak in the casual slang way all the characters do. But perhaps Marcus might be more formal in the office etc. Charlie may come from a poorer background, lower wage, being a foreigner? i don't know what character maps you have for them but I do feel it could be elaborated on more. Perhaps their purely comic relief characters I get that feeling from Charlie and Brad is the stereotypical douche, but I hope they have an internal character arc of their emotions, beliefs etc. Plot seems really interesting and the the visual image it creates really packs a punch great read and best of luck on your script.
Levi
 
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