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Looking for feedback on a logline

Hey guys, I'm looking for feedback on my Logline. I have three alternate versions and I'm trying to figure out which one is the most promising. Any comment or note would be much appreciated.


"Two friends lock themselves in an underground bunker believing an apocalyptic attack to be imminent. When one of them begins to doubt the attack, a deadly stand off ensues forcing the surviving friend to leave the bunker and find out the truth."

or​

"As the earth is about to be attacked by an unknown force, Adam locks himself up in an underground bunker with the only person who would believe him-- Cassandra, a third year medical student who spends the night playing along with Adam's delusions in an effort to help him overcome them."

or​

"Two friends lock themselves in an underground bunker as an unknown force wreaks havoc on earth."


Thanks!
 

indietalk

IndieTalk Founder
Staff Member
Admin
The first two give away too much information.

"...believing an apocalyptic attack to be imminent. When one of them begins to doubt the attack" should not be in a logline. When we watch the film, we already know this is going to happen.

"playing along with Adam's delusions"

Same here. If the film starts with them both believing it, don't give this away. You can elude to it in different ways.

also

"a deadly stand off" I would leave out deadly. You are telling people, when this begins, someone is going to die.

EX: THE GODFATHER
The aging patriarch of an organized crime dynasty transfers control of his clandestine empire to his reluctant son.

That's it.

#3 is closest to a logline. Overall it's not bad, could be improved.
 
Thanks for the notes guys. That's a good point about giving away too much information. In regards to " a deadly stand off ensues", my thinking was that we don't know which one of the two characters is going to die so it might add an element of suspense.

Also, the movie starts of inside the bunker with the two characters hiding from an attack which we do not see. We only hear from the mouths of the characters that there is an attack so we don't which one to believe. What I describe in the logline is basically the opening twenty minutes of the movie, and the rest plays out when the surviving friend leaves the bunker to find out if there had been an actual attack.

Cheers.
 

indietalk

IndieTalk Founder
Staff Member
Admin
Do they discover anything about each other while underground? Is this more about their relationship than the apocalypse?

EX. THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION
Two imprisoned men bond over a number of years, finding solace and eventual redemption through acts of common decency.
 
It is more about the surviving friend-- the lies we tell ourselves to keep our world view alive. The first twenty minutes are set entirely in the bunker where we transition from not knowing who to believe-- to being almost certain that one of the friends is crazy and that there is no apocalypse-- to finally confronting the truth as we leave the bunker with the surviving friend.

The rest of the movie deals with the surviving friend re-emerging into a world where all human beings have disappeared without any trace or a sign of a physical attack e.g. nuclear war, diseease, biochemicals...

I don't want to give too much away about that part of the story hence me focusing the logline on the set up.

Cheers
 

indietalk

IndieTalk Founder
Staff Member
Admin
Okay well maybe something like this:

DELETED...

Was still to wordy. Go with #3. ;)
 
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