critique Looking for a critique.

[Admiral Ackbar]

Hey, sorry it's been awhile. I've had a bad month. I planned on posting this last month but life got in the way with a death at work, then a near death, then I became suddenly ill, and once recovered had back writing to catch up with.

Anywho, I've developed my first short script. It's eight pages counting title page. I worry that it's a little too long.

What I'm looking for is, first and foremost a critique, of my format. This is my first time writing in the script style. I've done more non-fiction and fiction writing before that. You also may find some minor gramatical errors. I haven't had a second pair of eye slook at this yet. So I may have missed some small errors. That's what editors are for anyway.

The story opens with a man going through his day. The individual scenes are supposed to convey some sense of the masculine identity. Strength, endurance, compassions, wit, intelligence, consideration, heroism, etc. I hope through the opening sections that the audience begins to identify with the character who I name CHARLIE after the character from Flowers for Algernon. Something that can be a challenge in the short format because there isn't much time for the audience to make that connection.

The twist is when the character returns home and the audience gets to see how the character is treated by his girlfriend. It flips all of the qualities that were previously imprinted on the viewer. It's meant to be a shock.

I tried to write something that everyone involved in the script might find interest in. Something that an actor would want to act, a director would want to shoot, and an audience would want to see. I also wanted to do something a little different by changing percieved roles and avoiding the common like direct physical violence.

Anyway, here it is in pdf format. I'll leave it up for a week or two, but once something is posted on the net it's pretty much "out."

Nothing Man

As I said, it still has warts, and they'll probably be readily apparent. But I'm satisfied with it for now that I would like some comments at my first attempt.

EDIT: HEh, just rereading it I realized I still missed a couple of character capitalizadtions. Using "Girlfriend" instead of "GIRLFRIEND."

 

[quinny]

just a few things re format..

start with a FADE IN and end with a FADE OUT
also put in CUT TO: or whatever at the end of each scene.
regarding capitalizadtion ...i only do it when a Character first appears in the script ...are they meant to be all there way through?

oh and i think you should use something other than "The GIRLFRIEND"

 

[Admiral Ackbar]

Okay. I wasn't sure if you should name characters when they don't have names or not. I wasn't naming the main character originally. but that just became to unwieldly. The girlfriends name was never mentioned to i just used GIRLFRIEND.

I thought I read that everything time a character is referred to they should be capitalized. But maybe I'm wrong?

Finally, I thought it was better to avoid transitions. Therefore the abscence of CUT TO. I thought those were to be saved for later things like shooting scripts and the like.

It's somewhat awkward because the scripts I've read and seen all vary slightly in format. Basically, all they agree on is that the story should be good.

 

[indietalk]

NAME only in caps once. Yes, name your characters before their name is said onscreen. Only refer to them as MAN 1 etc., if the name is never mentioned (or seen) onscreen.

 

[Admiral Ackbar]

But none of the names are ever mentioned. So, is Charlie and Girlfriend appropriate. Now I'm conflicted because within the script I have two contrasts. One unnamed character who's named and one who isn't.

 

[summer05]

Charlie this, Charlie that. Please do something about that. You don’t need to use his name so much. Please use pronouns whenever appropriate.

In the opening, is Charlie a good athlete or does he struggle running and lifting weights? Is he a pro athlete? Is this a grass field in the middle of nowhere or is he running in a training field for a pro team? Who is Charlie? Describe him in the opening.

At the end, what kind of house are they in? A cheap apartment, a nice house, once again I have no idea who your characters are.

Don’t capitalize names throughout, it is really annoying.

I don’t understand your lead character. Is he spineless? Is he mentally disabled? Why does he act the way he does? He runs, works out and spends his day surrounded by books and saving peoples live, yet he sits on the floor talking to himself in the end “why don’t I understand, why don’t I understand?” this sounds like the actions of an insane person or a person with a severe mental handicap.

You remember Philip Seymour Hoffman in Boogie Nights, after he tries to kiss Dirk he sits in his car and talks to himself “I’m an idiot, I’m such a fucking idiot.” He acts the same way your character does. Scotty, his character, has serious emotional problems that are explored throughout the film. Your character is just Charlie.

Describe, decribe, describe.

Other than that it seems well written save for some small “warts.” Your dialogue is not terrible and this looks a good backbone for a better screenplay.

Also, what purpose does this screenplay serve?

 

[Admiral Ackbar]

Okay, I was thinking that every time the character was refered that you had to say his name. Hence the CHARLIE this and CHARLIE that. I maybe was too actively trying not to write as a narrative. So I'll look at that tonight and rework it. I'll also redo how I reference the characters since this seems to be a problem too.

As for the details about the character, the physical details I can add. But I was trying to be as undescriptive as I could be. First for space, since it's important to keep the page length short. Secondly because I felt it would be just as important for the person reading this to fill in the blanks. Lastly, I wasn't sure how much detail would be appropriate.

I have thought about your comments about the main character. In other words, he doesn't say much. And to me this seems to be a problem. If I write a short story, I have between 10,000 and 20,000 words to play with or even less to develop a character. Taking your boogie nights reference, and it's been a couple years since I've seen it, you have a whole film for development. To examine the emotional issues of the characters, the lifestyle, the situation. In a short, you just don't have the time.

So my tact was to focus on the two lives aspect and the relationship of the abused. It's fairly obvious any individual in an abusive relationship has issues. So the first part of the script is a portrayal of an idividual different from the idea of someone abused. Now, as I was thinking of the character, he would be an attractive, intelligent, reserved, athletic man. But I did leave those descriptive details out. I didn't say "athletic" man. On an earlier draft I described the books he had in his hands. Books that denoted someone who reads classical literature as a marker of intelligence. But I cut that out too. And that's negative.

But alternativly I never really thought of the character in my mind as mentally retarted. You obviously read the script and had a different vision of the character, or different visions of the character based on the lack of detail. That could be seen as a benefit. But I don't know.

But the fact that there is a lack of dialog of the main character may be a big problem. Because it prevents that connection with the reader and the audience. The character doesn't have a chance to display himself. I instead took the path of introducing the character by actions, and not words, but that may not work.

As for the purpose of this, it's mainly for practice. But if it isn't total crap it would be cool to have this or something else made. But as I've said, it's my first script writing attempt, so I don't really expect too much. I wanted to, as I said, write something that would be of interest to those who read it, be it an actor, a director, a producer, an audience member, whomever. For example, I could have made this a two room or one room act and all dialog. But I did the different scenes because I felt that the different scenes and contrasts would, frankly, make a better film. I could be wrong though.

 

[summer05]

Your first attempt, not bad. Quiet excellent for a first attempt.

It is important to keep things as short as possible, but not at the expense of the quality of the screenplay. A solid ten page screenplay is better than a loose 8 page screenplay. And yes, be descriptive as possible.

You do not want readers to fill things in for themselves. You want to be as descriptive as possible, as a screenwriter it is your job to write what people are going to see on screen. You may think you need to save as much space as possible but that comes in cutting out the fat when the screenplay is finished.

It doesn’t take much. I am not saying this is how you should write but read this.

Charlie, a good-looking man in his thirties, runs across the high school football field. He is wearing clean warm ups and he runs well as he is good shape.

That is just some simple description, no prose. As a screenwriter you are trying to tell YOUR story. You want to reader to imagine your details in action. You don’t want them to make up their own details because then you have failed. A finished screenplay must be suitable for anyone to pick up and imagine the scenes in their head while they read. They need to know what Charlie looks like so they can see him running in their heads.

You want to show the duality of this mans life as an intelligent, caring individual in good health, and a man suffering from spousal abuse at home. That is a great idea for a screenplay and should this develop into a feature it would be sure to sell, as long at it was quality. What your story is missing is Drama In Action.

There needs to be drama, one man being yelled at by his girlfriend isn’t enough. True abuse would be that she goes out to see other men and he knows this.

When the girlfriend is going out with Sharon, named but not shown, you create a void where there should be Drama. Does she go out all the time, is she cheating on Charlie, does she have a secret life? You need to fill in the subtext of the entire dialogue between Charlie and his girlfriend with Drama.

When you say you tried to describe using action not dialogue, you were thinking on the right track. It is the right thing to do, the less talking the better. You just need to describe more, describe more, describe more, more detail, more detail.

Your screenplay does not clearly convey drama. But it can should you work on it more.

 

[spinner]

...Ackbarrrrr! okay first, maybe you may have gotten from some of my other 'readings', I don't know from format or structure. And since there are more than enough people who can speak to this better than I, I tend to give my opinions on whether or not the story makes me feel. Which in my opinion, is the whole point. Nobody is gonna say, wow, he sure did format that well when they watch the film. So....

My first question is: Is this the extent of the short or is it a scene? I tend to want to take the story at face value and assume that things will be explained as the story moves. If it is a scene, then I think it has two very interesting characters. If this is the whole short, then there are some gaps.

...remember that you know these characters. I don't. You know their motivations, I don't. A good rule of thumb is: if you have to explain it, there isn't enough information. If Charlie is not retarded, don't give any room to allow us think he is. Since this is your story, you have to lead us where we are supposed to go. And you can do it because you know Charlie. Make sure you fill in all the details

...btw, I have no frame of reference for Flowers for Algernon. So all the characteristics I am supposed to get from this title are completely lost on me. Maybe something that is a bit more universal and readily recognizable so that the reference means more. (but then also try not to be cliche': Mice and Men, Catcher in the Rye, and if you have to be cliche', make it different in its presentation.)

...now, about the characters: Girlfriend is a Bee-Otch! That's cool. The problem comes where we wonder why Charlie is taking her crap. I don't need to know if she has a secret life, I wasn't thinking that the story was so much about her as it is about him. Detail about her in relation to him is important though. You will have to forgive the example I am going to give:

Movie called 'Sophie's Choice". Meryl Streep, Kevin Kline. Sophie is treated like a dog by her husband, who among other things is bipolar and possibly schizophrenic. If you miss the last 30 min. of the film you miss why she takes this treatment. Basically, you find that Sophie is so full of self-hatred, guilt and remorse, that she feels that she is deserving of this treatment.

...we get no indication of why Charlie would put up with this treatment and that is what will make the story compelling. Yes, anyone who takes this crap has issues. What are the ISSUES? I felt bad for him...

...there doesn't have to be dialogue or Charlie at the beginning, but what he does has to indicate what kind of person he is, so now you have something interesting to see happening to him as foundation for your character. So, keep in the books he reads, what he looks at, fill in the details.

...hey, for a first attempt, not bad. I personally want to see Charlie kick the girlfriend to the curb. When, how and WHY will be what makes your story.

I think you are off to a good start. Don't worry so much about structure and format yet. Flesh out your story, then make it fit the correct paramaters of a script. The most important thing is the story. Format is a template, once your story is there, you can make it fit the format. Show the story, don't tell it. This is easier to say than it is to do....

--spinner